Sister-in-law won't look at me and runs away from me!

[TiredMummaChlo]

This is a long story - I will try to condense it. I am looking to vent and get advice (AIBU doesn't really fit, but couldn't find a better category).

My sister-in-law had several early pregnancy losses. We were so sad for her. We sent her flowers, would always ask how she is feeling and getting on. She is didn't really ever discuss with us, which is understandable. It might be worth mentioning she is on the autistic spectrum. I can't quite imagine how awful these losses must have been, as you must be grieving the life, hope and joy you thought you were going to have.

We used to be friends with BIL/SIL - go out for meals, cinema, boardgames nights, etc. Then got pregnant. We messaged BIL/SIL first, to express their might be mixed feelings, but I am pregnant. The invites then stopped...

At social events, my SIL would not say hello, not look at me, when she saw me she would turn and walk the other way. When sitting at dinner tables, she would spend the whole time looking at the ceiling or opposite direction to me. During my pregnancy, my in-laws would start talking about 'being a nanny for the first time...' etc. then immediately cut their sentence off, with worried expressions, as they realised SIL could hear. It was like the family couldn't feel joy for us.

I had a friend who was going through IVF at the time. My SILs reaction to my pregnancy made me feel so terrified to tell my friend I was expecting - as I thought maybe react the same. I felt really alone and had no other friends with babies. I remember crying at a midwife appointment about it.

All of the above continued after having my lovely now two-year-old. No acknowledgement of her, no talking to her, etc.

As of the end of January 2026, BIL/SIL have welcomed a baby girl into the world. I am so glad that they have had their baby. But I also feel resentment - that they could have their pregnancy, the family were allowed to feel and express full joy, that they are now allowed to discuss their birth openly, have full support, etc. I just feel resentment that we weren't allowed to have this, and that my BIL wasn't there for his brother after a horrendously traumatic birth.

I can definitely get over all of the above, so long as SIL/BIL do actually start talking to us again at family events, looking at us, acknowledging my daughter, etc. I know we will never be such close friends again now, but I just hope they can act normal with us. I don't want to feel these feelings when my MIL is talking to me about SIL. I just want to get over it!

Has anyone had any similar experiences, or have any advice?

Why did everyone pander to her - sympathy and empathy are good, but to let one persons feelings control everything else is outrageous! I fully understand your anger.

I can definitely get over all of the above, so long as SIL/BIL do actually start talking to us again at family events, looking at us, acknowledging my daughter, etc. I know we will never be such close friends again now, but I just hope they can act normal with us. I don't want to feel these feelings when my MIL is talking to me about SIL. I just want to get over it!

Why do you want to get over it? I would just ignore them like they ignored you.

They are utter bastards to have done that to you. Bet they're not ignoring other people with babies, are they? They scapegoated you.

Did you husband’s family not say congratulations to you? I can imagine not saying anything or talking about the pregnancy when his sister was about, but didn’t they congratulate you in private?

Personally I don’t really understand what you were expecting in the pregnancy. Yes, your husband’s parents not say congratulations is pretty off, but surely that’s a one off thing at the beginning? Did they ever phone up your husband as see how thins were going? Obviously they wouldn’t do it much at family gatherings, even without you in-laws hardships, there is only so many times you can say congratulations.

It’s odd that his brother didn’t say congratulations on the birth. Especially if they were close enough for him to feel aggrieved that he couldn’t lean on him after the birth. My husband is very close to his sibling, but I don’t think it would have crossed his mind to discuss any issues with my birth.

Has your brother reached out to his brother about their new baby? I would focus the attention on that, not your poor SIL who sounds like she’s gone through a lot and it’s very different if she’s not related to you.

Have they acknowledged your child's 1st Xmas, 1st and 2nd birthdays etc? Has the husband been there for you both and your child or have they both been like this about your pregnancy and child?! That would influence how I went forward I think. Your emotions are reasonable.

That sounds hard, OP. I would be telling everyone (except SIL) how i felt about that.

But you can't change the past so maybe time to tell them, then draw a line under it?

And if you have another: don't join in the pandering, and if anyone tries to stop you talking about it, just look them in the eye and say "why not?"

It was a bit rude of her husband’s brother and wife to blank them, but I don’t think the family are pandering by not talking about finally becoming grandparents when their son’s wife has just gone through multiple miscarriages in earshot of her!!

Why are you worrying about family. It's not the be all and end all family. Often they are the ones that cause the most friction.

You don't need to worry about them or have them in your life.
Choose the people you want in your life and enjoy it.

Families can get in the bin
Just because your related dosent mean will all see eye to eye and get on.

Her behavior is about her and her loss. She cant look at you or be close with you because she is hurting from her loss and seeing you pregnant must sting. In an ideal world she would have been able to be happy for you but her grief stopped her getting to that place. Thats forgiveable in my opinion. Life it too short to focus on the negative. Let it go for your happiness. For the cousins relationship. For the wider family. She didnt behave well but i dont think it was personal to you. It was because she was hurting. It wasnt deliberate. It was trying to cope.

1. Losses are different to IVF. And, quite frankly, you often have less emotional investment in your friends’ pregnancies compared to family. So you really shouldn’t compare the reactions.
2. Your Sil has ASD and so she probably can’t do fake / polite interactions. I know I can’t. When my sil got pregnant accidentally after I had 3 back to back miscarriages I couldn’t even smile and wanted to leave immediately & I don’t even have ASD.
3. Your daughter will always remind her of the babies she lost. So don’t expect a close relationship. I don’t have as close a relationship with one of my nephews for a similar reason.
4. It happened 2 years ago. You do need to move on now. Nobody is entitled to or even gets a ‘perfect’ pregnancy experience. Do you think her experience was great? She probably worried about losing her baby every single day of her pregnancy & if she’s anything like me probably has SIDS anxiety too. Be grateful you didn’t lose any pregnancies & just move on from her.

I agree; it was always going to be really difficult and I do understand that maybe we wouldn't be as close when I'm pregnant... But as you said, surely it's not normal at family events to not acknowledge I am pregnant, not talk about it, and not share some joy. Thank you for your validation, it's very kind.

Agree completely. I wouldn't get over this. Everyone else is pandering to her. You don't have to.

Thank you for understanding, it was hard. I absolutely agree, I should talk about it MIL. Then like you said, draw a line under it and put it to bed. I think that will help.

But that’s not on your SIL and BIL — the wider family chose their approach. No one had them at gunpoint. Surely they’re the ones you should be directing your ire at?

I agree with @pottylolly.

They do send cards at birthdays. But they just don't talk to any of us (me, my partner, child) in real life.

It was mean of her.
She was suffering. SIL behaved as well as she could manage.

You can't change it. Put it behind you.
Treat them joyously; welcome their new child.
The best out come will take effort from you; not necessarily with any reward except to see two tiny cousins happily playing.

Watch out for SIL's mental health. She was never as resilient as you.

Thank you for your message. This is so true isn't it. Family are often the ones that are the trickiest. My antenatal group friends have been the most supportive. Like chosen family, very thankful for them :)

They have behaved appallingly. But hurt people, hurt people. That doesn’t excuse it but it explains it.

What has happened in the 9 months of her pregnancy? Have you all been face to face - how did she behave with you? Was she still anxious, traumatised, catastrophising and fractious until she gave birth? Maybe these last 9 months were arguably the worst for her.

I would have some compassion for someone who already has compromised emotional and social functioning capacity with her autism and huge repeated existential and identity eroding loss that you fortunately will never have to experience.

I would give her grace and space to come into her own and maybe she will reflect and relationships between you will shift and warm up.

I think if you hang on to your hurt it will continue to fester and grow contemptuous and resentful. The bigger picture here is your DD could have a wonderfully enriched childhood and a friend for life with her new cousin. I would keep my eyes on that prize. The risk now is as ‘hurt people, hurt people’ - it will be you that could inadvertently cause issues even if you don’t say anything just by your sensed attitude. No one else will be on your side here if that’s picked up. Maybe try to enjoy the miracle of your new neice / nephew and let it go - embrace this new opportunity for a new start.

This is odd behaviour from them and the rest of the family to be honest.

I would feel very angry and distressed had I been in your position.

Its not an eye for an eye. But do the same to them, ignore them and their child. I understand fertility issues are difficult but they have been blatantly rude and selfish.

Would you rather be in her shoes? Experienced all those losses? I doubt it. So don't resent her. It sounds like she had a terrible terrible time.

And so has the OP? Being treated like that through her pregnancy by "family"... you cannot have it both ways I am afraid

I would be swerving this couple permanently. Sad as it is, the world keeps turning. Women get pregnant every say of every week and equally their are many who unfortunately can never be mothers
But thats not the fault of the women who do get pregnant and give birth safely.
Get on with your life and let them get on with theirs. Don't give them another thought

They have behaved really really badly and there is no excuse for it. I wouldn't be in a rush to get over it. They made their choices and all choices have consequences. Unless they raise it to clear the air and apologise I would be keeping my distance.

Having your family not throwing some kind of ticker tape parade about her pregnancy can hardly be equated to experiencing multiple miscarriages.

That is not OPs burden to carry

Tbf, I’ve barely spoken to my brother in law in years. I was 17, and miscarried alone in the bathroom. My husband told his brother, and his brother turned round and said to me , you don’t get to grieve a mistake. Why are you not on the pill. This was after my husband told me to have an abortion. My parents in-law said I must have invented the whole thing to trap my husband. They wanted my hospital notes as evidence. So Tbf I get your sister in-laws point of view . Sorry