Husband’s business, baby - do I need to be more resilient?

[NurtureGrow]

Hello,

Im hoping for advice, especially from those whose partners have businesses, or have one themselves.

We have a 15 month old. My husband handed in his notice on his full-time job last summer, it was a 3 month notice period. He left in the autumn to start his business. Around the same time, I was made redundant and never went back after maternity leave. It was too late at that point for him to stay in his job.

The money I got from redundancy would have lasted 8 months. As he hasn’t had income yet from the business, I had to pay all bills and the money is almost gone after 4 months. We will basically run out of money at the end of this month. I’m sure we can sort it out.. hopefully.. he is hoping to get a small amount of investment and I am urgently looking for work. I had hoped to return to work max 4 days a week, but due to our financial situation, may need to do 5.. (I know not everyone can do less days.) I need to find a job at the same salary as before, or higher. I was hoping to do something less stressful.

I agreed he could try the business for 1 year, what I am wondering is, do I need to be more resilient? I feel this time should be for enjoying our baby/family and seeing family. But instead we have this pressure on us. I do try to support him; I proofread, discuss, do what I can. But sometimes I feel down/grumpy. He feels we will be better off financially if this works, as don’t have savings now.

I feel I’m meant to hold space for our baby, for him, and take responsibility of getting a higher salary again myself. I don’t have family to talk to or offer consistent support.. I’d just really like to build our life together, not have pressure for something that may happen in the future.

The question and problem:

YABU - yes, you need to be more resilient, people do this all the time. Focus on supporting him. This is the nature of supporting your partner with a business.

YANBU - it’s understandable you are finding this hard. It’s too much to do at once. It should be put on hold for an until your baby is bigger, so you can better enjoy the present

@Glitterella yes it's full-time xx

I do feel it has been unnecessary stress

Doctor is a good shout hope it goes well.

Have you heard anything back from the jobs/applications?

Protect yourself as best you can.
Being awake to just how awful and unnecessary this was, is definitely a start.
Obviously you are somewhat stuck at the moment and you are treading water with it all, but being wide awake to this situation and focusing on being proactive is so important.
I don't believe he has your back.
I'm sorry.

Also, I never had difficulty securing a role before. The global situation has really affected my industry and so few jobs are listed. I am open to anything though.. I will carry on again tomorrow

OP you are doing great and I hope you had fab Mother's Day and you managed to at least have a breather.
I can only imagine if you work in the industry affected by the global situation it must be hard. Even more uncertainty for you but just try (even though it is not easy) to think about it as an opportunity

Thank you, I've thought about it for a long time, glad I'm finally doing it. I have to wait 10 days for the apt I think, but the other day I literally couldn't think clearly at all, so felt it's time to go.

I didn't get an interview for some recent applications (as they were cold applications - things listed online,) but I had an interview a few days ago, so should hear about that soon. The problem is I think they will not agree to less than 5 days a week, but I may have to do it if there isn't anything else. I used to work long hours before our toddler, but now I'd really prefer to work 3 or max 4 days a week. But obviously I just need to work at the end of the day.

I'm also asking neighbours and messaging former colleagues etc if they hear of any roles. I was ok to be made redundant when it happened, but I am now finding it hard. It's quite a confusing situation to be in, trying to reconcile that without having an employer to support you with your return to work.. but I know I am not the first person to be made redundant at the end of maternity leave!

@Julietta05 thank you, that's really kind 🙏 I did have a bit of a break. I feel something will hopefully come through soon 🙏

I hope you had a lovely Mother's Day too, if you are a parent :)

I'm also really curious what the doctor will say. I think I probably need a hormone test and somehow I need to stablise my mood. But I hope it can be an easy fix... like missing vitamins etc. The cloudy thinking is quite extreme at times.

A good vitamin B complex definitely supports your nervous system.
Ashwagandha is greatvfor stress.
Your iron levels are important for energy.

Diet is so important when you are juggling so much.

Please look at it to support your overall wellbeing.

Please use the doctor's appointment well to spell out just how awfully hard things have been for you.

@Windday thanks so much. I think it's probably all a mess, so really need to address it. Really appreciate these suggestions xx

Unfortunately they often show their true colours when baby comes along - i.e very selfish

It's a hard adjustment. I was made redundant at 8 weeks pregnant and am looking at changing career as my industry has been destroyed in the last 18 months.
I developed pregnancy complications leaving with severe fatigue. I've had several drs appointments and blood tests trying to identify the cause. I have pnd too and its bloody hard. The brain fog and the mental load make looking at jobs and courses hard.
The difference between me and you is, my partner is funding our life, taking care of the house and the family.

What are the working patterns at the moment for the two of you?
How much time are you able to dedicate undistracted to the job searches?
How much time is the business taking as well as running the house?
What time do you both have for a bit of rest?

How are you doing OP? Any update? How is the job search going?

@Superscientist thank you for your message, I'm sorry I just saw it.

I'm so sorry were made redundant at 8 weeks pregnant.. not easy at all. I too would like to change industry. Mine is also very effected and I realised how hard it has been for many years. I'm also sorry you've had pregnancy comlications and severe fatigue... I resonate with the brain fog. I'm glad your partner is funding your life.

-My husband is working full-time on the business.
-Our son is a nursery a couple of days a week, as we had have the grace period. During this time and in the evenings I apply for work.
-The business takes all my husband's time, sometimes I help him. I am trying to do all for the house.
-We don't get much time to rest, I remember when we used to relax in the evenings, not very often now!

Hi @Julietta05 thanks so much for asking.

My husband has confirmed funding now, it should be received in April, I very much hope so. I've had interviews, got to second stage.. and unfortunately didn't get the role. I have good experience that matches the role, so was suprised not to get it tbh. It was full-time though, with quite a lot of travel to the office.. which would have been intense and a lot to cope with. I am applying for other things.. I hope to hear regarding these shortly. In the meantime, I've continued telling everyone I know I'm looking for work. Open to anything. I told a neighbour who has a gardening business the other day that I can garden. I must find something within the next few weeks.

I also went to the doctor. They tested my blood for everything. So far it only came back that I am lacking a vitamin. I'm also going to take a hormone test. I also spoke to a therapist (once recently, as can't afford more.) She feels my current state is circumstantial, probably not otherwise.. as I have been considering taking anti-depressants, but would rather not. I only took them once, a long, long time ago, very briefly. I worry about being addicted, changing my mental state etc. nBut I have felt very down quite often at times. I feel I'm not ok on quite a fundamental level and I am doing all I can to try to find a way to stablise. Both with finding work and emotionally.

My husband has been away for over a week, and I've continued to realise how alone I am, with unhelpful comments from my mum. A friend suggested I try to create more distance from her. Often people talk about the difficultly of not having family nearby, but they video call, text, send photos. I can't do any of that with my mum as she refuses and doesn't have the technology. She's not empathetic at all. When I said my husband was away for over a week, she empathised with him, not me.. twice.. she knows I am alone and is my only direct member of family.

Sorry for the long waffle!! In summary, it's all continuing. I hope it will get better soon. I do see, from this thread and in general, that too much was expected of me. The idea that my husband would leave his job basically the month I returned from maternity leave and for me to cover all the costs, maybe even earn more than before maternity leave.. was unrealistic, unfair and too much. It sounds crazy, but I didn't realise. I thought it was time for me to help my husband now. I think my husband doesn't understand the difference for me, us having a son. I think he thinks it's just extra things he can see in front of his eyes, but he didn't understand I need to buy clothes, make arrangements, drs, being emotionally stable and happy...! I think a lot is expected of mothers, it is becoming increasingly clear to me. Not least that the majority of jobs are advertised as full-time.

I hope you are well. It's really kind of you to ask how things are going xx