Husband’s business, baby - do I need to be more resilient?

[NurtureGrow]

Hello,

Im hoping for advice, especially from those whose partners have businesses, or have one themselves.

We have a 15 month old. My husband handed in his notice on his full-time job last summer, it was a 3 month notice period. He left in the autumn to start his business. Around the same time, I was made redundant and never went back after maternity leave. It was too late at that point for him to stay in his job.

The money I got from redundancy would have lasted 8 months. As he hasn’t had income yet from the business, I had to pay all bills and the money is almost gone after 4 months. We will basically run out of money at the end of this month. I’m sure we can sort it out.. hopefully.. he is hoping to get a small amount of investment and I am urgently looking for work. I had hoped to return to work max 4 days a week, but due to our financial situation, may need to do 5.. (I know not everyone can do less days.) I need to find a job at the same salary as before, or higher. I was hoping to do something less stressful.

I agreed he could try the business for 1 year, what I am wondering is, do I need to be more resilient? I feel this time should be for enjoying our baby/family and seeing family. But instead we have this pressure on us. I do try to support him; I proofread, discuss, do what I can. But sometimes I feel down/grumpy. He feels we will be better off financially if this works, as don’t have savings now.

I feel I’m meant to hold space for our baby, for him, and take responsibility of getting a higher salary again myself. I don’t have family to talk to or offer consistent support.. I’d just really like to build our life together, not have pressure for something that may happen in the future.

The question and problem:

YABU - yes, you need to be more resilient, people do this all the time. Focus on supporting him. This is the nature of supporting your partner with a business.

YANBU - it’s understandable you are finding this hard. It’s too much to do at once. It should be put on hold for an until your baby is bigger, so you can better enjoy the present

He should have scrapped his plan the minute you were made redundant. At this stage of life he needs a job with a steady income.

I Feel really sorry for you OP
This is very stressful and unfair,
Congratulations on the baby

And without savings it sounds like too?

How did DH intend to finance his business start-up? What had he planned for?

This is crazy. He needs to get a job. He should have chucked the business idea in the bin as soon as you were made redundant.

@NurtureGrow whi told you to be resilient and what you think it means?

Resilience is about withstanding the difficulties and then recovering from it - not bending yourself in knots to try and solve a problem that you simply cannot solve by yourself

how are you going to make this work as a team? resilience isn’t taking everything on and spinning all the plates, it is rolling with the punches and making the right decisions

Well none of this sounds very well thought out but you are where you are. Presumably the investment will allow for him to pay himself a salary? How close is he to receiving that?

I invest in start-ups and no one will fund a business that is not a full time occupation for at least one person, so unless he has a realistic prospect of grant funding there is no 'doing it alongside a job' option.

It is really impossible to say without knowing the stage his fundraising is at. If he pulls the plug just before an investment is going to come in, he will be burning that contact pretty much for good. However fundraising is taking ages at the moment, it's a tough capital environment so if he is just in general talks it may be better to accept that the business is not for this phase of life and park it until your youngest is in school.

But I do know several couples with young children who are working on their start-ups. They often work together though, which means much more commitment to the longer term project from the family. It probably places much more stress on the couple if it's not a joint project, even though in theory it is easier if one has a stable income.

Finding salaried employment at this late stage is not a pressure you should be bearing yourself. He should be looking for salaried employment too.

It started now, as he feels he will be too old in several years. No monthly income yet as it requires funding and a product to sell in the future. He felt he should go full-time as that helps to secure the funding. Investors in the sector don’t take you seriously unless full-time. Sorry lots of points to respond to. Obviously I’m doing my best, I’m sure I can hopefully find work soon, but I wanted to ask if I need to be more resilient.

You keep on mentioning being "more resilient" - resilient to what? Should you sit there smiling while your DH ignores reality, while you go into debt, get stressed about the bills and lose sleep over things? Hell, no!

Your DH needs to get his head out of his arse and earn some actual money. Waiting for funding to develop a new product... WTF??? How is that going to support a family?

I don't think your lack of resilience is the problem here. I would be very stressed and worried in your situation. Isn't he concerned at all?

Yes, I think basically if he doesn’t get investment in the next few months he will stop and get a salaried role again.

You are where you are. You’re both parents and both responsible for another human now, so you both need to get back into full time paid work, especially as you have no buffer. It’s not about being resilient, it’s just about both taking responsibility. If you honestly think it will work out with the business, there needs to be a chat about how much childcare he can do whilst you go back to work, or whether he can get some paid work on the side to see you through. Either way, you both need to be bringing in an income.

You keep asking about being resilient but how supportive you should be really depends on the reality of the situation. Blindly supporting him is no good if you end up bankrupt. Pulling the plug if he is on the verge of becoming solvent is also probably not sensible. You are asking the wrong question IMO.

No, you don't need to be more resilient. You need to be less naive.

I would say that he needs to start looking for a job.

If your savings are spent.
And you're taking in zero.

What's life going to look like?

Oh babe. He's an absolute tool. No plan, no savings, no buffer. What on earth has he been doing if he can't make a product until he has funding?

Why are you working for him for free?

I would be absolutely furious and I would not be plastering on a pretend happy face after he shafted me like that.

I have felt resentful and tried not to. He has a plan, but there’s pressure on me. Even when receiving the funding, then it’s living through the experience of the business, travel etc. I do really want him to succeed. He gets quite emotional about not succeeding and I feel badly, to just sustain for a while

Is it your husband who keeps telling you that you should be more resilient?

Good grief are you both mad?

I seriously cannot think of a worse time to give up paid employment than when your wife is about to give birth, even if the redundancy was a surprise. I would have absolutely made a fuss about this- surely he could have waited until your child was 1 and you were back at work?

He needs to get a paid job, part time if absolutely necessary to continue his self-employed project, and not bank on this investment coming in. Surely if the investment comes in it’s for the business anyway, not to pay your food bill.

I think you should also consider going back full time asap too- and then cutting hours down once your partner is earning an income. You’re only at the start of your parenting life- as well as keeping a secure house you really should be saving for emergencies, and even things like uni, not leaving the home without any income coming in.

My DH has his own business which has now been going 10 years and employs 35 people. It was only 3 years ago that he took a salary and was balancing the business against other paid employment.

Your DH is talking bullshit. Of course he can work alongside progressing his business even if it is a part time job in your local supermarket for a few hours on an evening. At least then there would be some financial contribution.

Doesn't sound like you need to be more resilient more that he needs to plan better. At the very least there should have been a contingency built in for this scenario.

90% of startups fail to make it past 10 years. These things take time. Sounds like you are both very naive.

Where are you getting all of this nonsense about resilience from? It's nothing to do with resilience and everything to do with paying the bills.

Quitting your job with no savings while your wife is on mat leave to start a business that won't make any money for ages is nuts. You either need to have loads of savings, or one person needs to be a high earner in a very stable job, it seems here that neither are true?

If you go ack to work will your salary cover all bills, day to day living and full time childcare? If not he needs to park the business and get a paying role.

And yes before he gave up work he should have been saving to support himself for however long it was likely to get the self-employed income stream coming in- not rely on your redundancy pay.

This isnt about resilience though...

I think what you are really asking is should I endure more?
Should suffer more hardship uncomplainingly?

My answer:
No. I dont think you should. I certainly wouldnt.

You say yourself by the end of the month the redundancy money will be gone you have no savings and no income.
How will you pay for gas and food?
You have a child... IMO you are already in reckless/ foolhardy territory.
I wouldnt support my dh in this.

Well when you return to work you’ll have to have money for childcare so this will either come out of your salary or both salaries. Then there’s rent, mii it mortgage and bills.

It seems crazy that he’s starting this new business on a wing and a prayer and waiting on supposed funding to come through. I’d be wanting assurances from him that he would definitely find a new job should the funding not come through.

Start looking for another job asap.