Page 10 | Husband’s business, baby - do I need to be more resilient?

holdtheline11 · 06/02/2026 23:45

I wouldn't be happy with this OP and would be stressed. Think he needs to work at least part time and start business on the side. From what I've seen it's only white one who quit job to then only start a business - everyone else has already had to do both for years...! In these cicumstances he should def get a job

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/02/2026 06:29

NurtureGrow · 06/02/2026 23:07

Yes, exactly. He says I need to be positive for him to succeed. We had another talk this evening. I said I have to be positive for you, but who supports me?

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What response did you get?

NextLevel2 · 07/02/2026 08:31

NurtureGrow · 05/02/2026 08:57

Because I had been on maternity leave (and he paid all in the last months) he didn’t really have money saved. I thought he would have some savings, but he didn’t. The expectation was I would cover all costs when I returned to work. But unfortunately I was made redundant.

Im doing my best to get work asap.

He is a good person, usually responsible, always worked.

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You are not working as a team - you need to financially plan together! The business might be his project but family finances are the responsibility of you both.
Dh and I had a worse possible scenario plan worked out - in the event the business didn't take off and we couldn't pay our mortgage. Both of us committed to the plan, having a financial plan really helped me deal with the stress of having no money coming in - dh had confidence that the business would work - I was terrified.
Not long after starting the business Dh then offered someone a job without discussing it with me first - it hadn't occurred to him that employing someone was a massive financial commitment that affected both of us - that he should have discussed with me first - we learned as we went along - people are not perfect, relationships are not perfect but you need to keep working as a team towards resolving the issues that make this hard. You need to keep communicating and you need to agree a way forward.
Our business has been running for nearly 10 years now - we've reaped the financial rewards - but I'd never say it was easy money. It's been remarkably hard - people on the outside looking in don't see that side of things. We're the swans gliding past - with our legs working like fuck underneath.
Good luck I hope it works out - what ever you (both) chose to do.

scottishgirl69 · 07/02/2026 11:20

NurtureGrow · 06/02/2026 23:07

Yes, exactly. He says I need to be positive for him to succeed. We had another talk this evening. I said I have to be positive for you, but who supports me?

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He's gaslighting you. What are you going to live on when the money runs out?

ForFunGoose · 07/02/2026 14:09

I would also nail down who is going to look after your baby when they are sick and can’t attend childcare.
This was the hardest part for us, when things don’t go to plan who rings in sick.

putini · 07/02/2026 14:32

NurtureGrow · 05/02/2026 08:47

He’s been full-time for 3 months. It’s the kind of business which needs funding, then he develops a product. So the business plan is expecting funding, but not to sell anything for sometime. He does have options for funding and will hopefully get some.

His experience was working alongside the business meant people wouldn’t invest, as he didn’t look serious about it.

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I had a business where I designed and manufactured a product. I already had the design, ip, interest from buyers and an order before I got investment. The investment was for manufacturing and marketing. I was lucky because at the time I didn't need an income. I'm sorry but this is madness, I can't see him generating an income for a long time. People will always say yes good idea but the process of getting investors, building sales takes time and if he doesn't have the product or traction I can't see anyone investing let alone pay him a salary as well. Sorry to sound negative he at least needs to find a way to generate an income in the meantime.

sillylittlerabbit · 07/02/2026 15:34

I’m confused - why are you talking about enduring this for 4-5 years, and why is it only your problem to worry about how to pay the bills? What was the actual outcome of your conversation beyond him brushing off your concerns?

CelticSilver · 07/02/2026 17:05

He's preparing the ground for it to be your fault when he throws in the towel and has to get a paid job - if only you'd been more supportive (resilient?) it would have worked out.

Sorry, OP. He's not got your back. Or his child's, given his recklessness.

CatherinedeBourgh · 08/02/2026 00:24

NurtureGrow · 06/02/2026 23:02

@CatherinedeBourgh I wish I’d known this about both working on the business. I’ve considered it recently. To be honest, I feel my husband should have known. He knows this world, that’s why he’s doing it.. but I feel he’s not getting the deeper impact on me.

The subject is interesting, but not something I ever thought I’d work in.. and I haven’t chosen it. tbh I feel I need to know people (partners, women probably) that have been in this position and how they got through it. I feel like I need to find a way to hold on, to survive as I don’t feel very happy and it’s probably going to go on for 4 or 5 years.

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I get it - it can be very alienating when you are not involved, running a start-up business can be like having a baby, it is all consuming and you can't just decide to put it away 'because it's the weekend'. If you already have a baby at home and he effectively has another one, it can lead to resentment on both sides.

The only thing I can advise is to talk, talk and keep talking. Don't let things build up, have everything out in the open. And if you can't do it, tell him. Don't put up with it until you can't and then blow everything up. Make a plan together to see if it is doable, with defined checkpoints (we call them milestones) at which you reevaluate whether it is worth carrying on.

There is no shame in failing at start-ups, the vast majority of them fail, and most of them for human issues. But it would be a real shame to wreck a family in the process.

scottishgirl69 · 08/02/2026 11:35

NurtureGrow · 05/02/2026 08:11

Hello,

Im hoping for advice, especially from those whose partners have businesses, or have one themselves.

We have a 15 month old. My husband handed in his notice on his full-time job last summer, it was a 3 month notice period. He left in the autumn to start his business. Around the same time, I was made redundant and never went back after maternity leave. It was too late at that point for him to stay in his job.

The money I got from redundancy would have lasted 8 months. As he hasn’t had income yet from the business, I had to pay all bills and the money is almost gone after 4 months. We will basically run out of money at the end of this month. I’m sure we can sort it out.. hopefully.. he is hoping to get a small amount of investment and I am urgently looking for work. I had hoped to return to work max 4 days a week, but due to our financial situation, may need to do 5.. (I know not everyone can do less days.) I need to find a job at the same salary as before, or higher. I was hoping to do something less stressful.

I agreed he could try the business for 1 year, what I am wondering is, do I need to be more resilient? I feel this time should be for enjoying our baby/family and seeing family. But instead we have this pressure on us. I do try to support him; I proofread, discuss, do what I can. But sometimes I feel down/grumpy. He feels we will be better off financially if this works, as don’t have savings now.

I feel I’m meant to hold space for our baby, for him, and take responsibility of getting a higher salary again myself. I don’t have family to talk to or offer consistent support.. I’d just really like to build our life together, not have pressure for something that may happen in the future.

The question and problem:

YABU - yes, you need to be more resilient, people do this all the time. Focus on supporting him. This is the nature of supporting your partner with a business.

YANBU - it’s understandable you are finding this hard. It’s too much to do at once. It should be put on hold for an until your baby is bigger, so you can better enjoy the present

Are you actually doing anything about the fact that you are going to run out of money in less than four weeks. If you are in the UK and you claim UC it takes five weeks to process the claim.

Nurturegrow11 · 09/02/2026 09:59

Somewhereinlondon81 · 05/02/2026 13:41

Will your husband consider giving it up and getting a salaried job? Entrepreneurship can be an addictive disease. And how much pain would you consider worth it for the chance of a big payoff?

(This post involves some seriously first-world problems and I know I'm in many ways very lucky...)

Depending on your husband's personality and the nature of the company, you may need to be pretty resilient long after the financial woes settle. My husband wanted to start a company just as we contemplated starting a family. I asked him to wait, but he suffered a mental breakdown when I was pregnant and believed that founding a company was the only way out. So his company was birthed with our first child. No major financial woes, because I had a decent salary and he had savings. And things were manageable for a while -periods of intense fundraising stress, but also some flexibility for him to help with childcare. Ironically, it stopped being manageable when businesses like his started getting billion dollar valuations. Billionaire investors started circling and he IPO'd the company to maintain control. The level of stress this entailed was entirely incompatible with mental health or family life, and I was a solo parent with a very unwell husband for several years.

In the end it worked out OK. He sold the company and regained his sanity. He exited with enough cash that we're much wealthier than I ever expected to be (although, thank goodness, the company was never worth a fraction of some of the silly valuations in the space). He's taken time off work and reconnected with our children. I think it was, in some sense, psychologically necessary for him, and hence perhaps unavoidable. But given that the alternative was a quiet existence on two comfortable professional salaries, there is no sense in which it was worth it to me financially. (If his product ever comes to market it could help a lot of people, and hence it might be worth it by that metric.)

So don't assume that your resilience only needs to take you to the point of first investment. Assuming he needs multiple rounds of funding and many years to bring a product to market or exit, you may have to dig deep for a long time...

I so appreciate everyone's responses.. going through them 🙏

@Somewhereinlondon81 thanks very much for this.. I really feel for you with this situation, I'm sorry. It really resonated because I have been realising I 'may need to be pretty resilient long after the financial woes settle...' Like you, I don't agree with these crazy valuations, and I also feel this is somewhat inevitable, he has to do it. I agree that two comfortable professional salaries would be fine. It would be beyond first investment... I'm glad you made it through ok.

To those that have mentioned, yes, I submitted a claim for universal credit, first time in my life. Hopefully I will find work very soon and it will be brief. I also asked my husband to do consultant work alongside, lots of conversations. Feeling tired..

Nurturegrow11 · 09/02/2026 10:07

scottishgirl69 · 05/02/2026 15:32

If he has no income coming in and you only have enough money for the next few months assuming you are in the UK why haven't you made a claim for UC. It's not going to solve all your problems but you can't live on fresh air

Also as someone else suggested you need to get some advice about your redundancy - whether your company had the right to make you redundant while you were on maternity leave

This isn't about resilience. It's about being able to pay the bills and keep a roof over your head

@scottishgirl69 thank you for your messages... we are in the UK ourselves and I made the UC claim a while ago.

I got advice about the redundancy from ACAS. It was legal and handled properly. People on maternity leave are more protected from redundancy, but if there is a legitimate business case to end the role (i.e. restructuring) and there are no other jobs to offer you instead, you can be made redundant

Somewhereinlondon81 · 09/02/2026 10:09

Nurturegrow11 · 09/02/2026 09:59

I so appreciate everyone's responses.. going through them 🙏

@Somewhereinlondon81 thanks very much for this.. I really feel for you with this situation, I'm sorry. It really resonated because I have been realising I 'may need to be pretty resilient long after the financial woes settle...' Like you, I don't agree with these crazy valuations, and I also feel this is somewhat inevitable, he has to do it. I agree that two comfortable professional salaries would be fine. It would be beyond first investment... I'm glad you made it through ok.

To those that have mentioned, yes, I submitted a claim for universal credit, first time in my life. Hopefully I will find work very soon and it will be brief. I also asked my husband to do consultant work alongside, lots of conversations. Feeling tired..

Edited

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Feel free to DM me (now or in the future) if you'd like to chat to a survivor!

Nurturegrow11 · 09/02/2026 10:15

NextLevel2 · 07/02/2026 08:31

You are not working as a team - you need to financially plan together! The business might be his project but family finances are the responsibility of you both.
Dh and I had a worse possible scenario plan worked out - in the event the business didn't take off and we couldn't pay our mortgage. Both of us committed to the plan, having a financial plan really helped me deal with the stress of having no money coming in - dh had confidence that the business would work - I was terrified.
Not long after starting the business Dh then offered someone a job without discussing it with me first - it hadn't occurred to him that employing someone was a massive financial commitment that affected both of us - that he should have discussed with me first - we learned as we went along - people are not perfect, relationships are not perfect but you need to keep working as a team towards resolving the issues that make this hard. You need to keep communicating and you need to agree a way forward.
Our business has been running for nearly 10 years now - we've reaped the financial rewards - but I'd never say it was easy money. It's been remarkably hard - people on the outside looking in don't see that side of things. We're the swans gliding past - with our legs working like fuck underneath.
Good luck I hope it works out - what ever you (both) chose to do.

Show quote history

Thank you, this is really helpful. So glad it has been paying off. I guess I initially saw it as his project, his business, and I didn't see how it would affect me or what I would need to do. But the family finances are the responsibility of us both xx

Nurturegrow11 · 09/02/2026 10:17

CatherinedeBourgh · 08/02/2026 00:24

I get it - it can be very alienating when you are not involved, running a start-up business can be like having a baby, it is all consuming and you can't just decide to put it away 'because it's the weekend'. If you already have a baby at home and he effectively has another one, it can lead to resentment on both sides.

The only thing I can advise is to talk, talk and keep talking. Don't let things build up, have everything out in the open. And if you can't do it, tell him. Don't put up with it until you can't and then blow everything up. Make a plan together to see if it is doable, with defined checkpoints (we call them milestones) at which you reevaluate whether it is worth carrying on.

There is no shame in failing at start-ups, the vast majority of them fail, and most of them for human issues. But it would be a real shame to wreck a family in the process.

Show quote history

The only thing I can advise is to talk, talk and keep talking. Don't let things build up, have everything out in the open. And if you can't do it, tell him. Don't put up with it until you can't and then blow everything up. Make a plan together to see if it is doable, with defined checkpoints (we call them milestones) at which you reevaluate whether it is worth carrying on.

Thank you 🙏

Nurturegrow11 · 09/02/2026 10:19

Somewhereinlondon81 · 09/02/2026 10:09

Feel free to DM me (now or in the future) if you'd like to chat to a survivor!

Show quote history

Thank so much 🙏 xx

Nurturegrow11 · 09/02/2026 10:23

Thank you so much again for all replies. I can't reply to all, but have read them..

Just to say:
@GoldDuster You're living off your savings and they run out in a month. You're not over reacting. You're under reacting and dismissing your own warning alarm in your efforts to cheerlead his decisions. Yes - thank you. Thank you for highlighting this, along with others. I didn't really see it like this, but this post has helped me realise xx

@pinkdelight I'm sure this is not the vision of your DC's early days OP dreamed of yet she's supposed to be resilient and endlessly support his dreams. The redundancy is a red herring I feel, as he can point at it and say 'if only it wasn't for that...' but women returning from mat leave is a known risk factor and his lack of savings, back-up plans and real world nous are the real problem. Yes, not what I envisaged 🙏

Original poster

NurtureGrow · 25/02/2026 14:47

Hello, just wanted to message on this.

My husband received some income, so we are ok for a while longer. I must find a new job within the next month, anything.

I'm feeling really quite down. I chatted with a male friend, as my husband can't understand what I'm saying. That it is hard being expected to support him, our 16 month old, everything for the house, support his business, and also have a high-paying job.

The only solution he has given so far is to angrily say: 'ok, I will stop the business then.' Which I won't agree to... as he would hate me and everyone would think it was my fault. I feel like it is so much pressure on us with a 16 month old and I really don't see any solutions. He wants to carry on / I am unhappy. My friend thought I should come up with a 3rd solution, i.e. try to get as higher paying job myself as I can so support my husband over a few days a week, without compromising myself or our 16 month old as much as possible.

I just feel very down... I don't see any end in sight to this and my husband doesn't understand. I am remembering when we got married and I thought we would be partners.

If anyone has any alternative ideas to survive this, I would be glad to know.
Thank you xx

OP posts:

scottishgirl69 · 25/02/2026 14:50

NurtureGrow · 25/02/2026 14:47

Hello, just wanted to message on this.

My husband received some income, so we are ok for a while longer. I must find a new job within the next month, anything.

I'm feeling really quite down. I chatted with a male friend, as my husband can't understand what I'm saying. That it is hard being expected to support him, our 16 month old, everything for the house, support his business, and also have a high-paying job.

The only solution he has given so far is to angrily say: 'ok, I will stop the business then.' Which I won't agree to... as he would hate me and everyone would think it was my fault. I feel like it is so much pressure on us with a 16 month old and I really don't see any solutions. He wants to carry on / I am unhappy. My friend thought I should come up with a 3rd solution, i.e. try to get as higher paying job myself as I can so support my husband over a few days a week, without compromising myself or our 16 month old as much as possible.

I just feel very down... I don't see any end in sight to this and my husband doesn't understand. I am remembering when we got married and I thought we would be partners.

If anyone has any alternative ideas to survive this, I would be glad to know.
Thank you xx

Edited

Why is it down to you to get a higher paid job to prop up a failing business? It really isn't.

Have you had any income from the dwp yet?

Original poster

NurtureGrow · 25/02/2026 15:00

scottishgirl69 · 25/02/2026 14:50

Why is it down to you to get a higher paid job to prop up a failing business? It really isn't.

Have you had any income from the dwp yet?

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It seems down to me, because the only other option is he stops. And I will not tell him to stop, as I don't want to be responsible for that. He says he'll see after a year, but it's a struggle already.

Yes, I am receiving some money from DWP now. It will only be for a couple of months if I find work to start in March...

OP posts:

Superscientist · 25/02/2026 15:05

The third option would be what can he do alongside the business to bring in some additional income.

You can't do it all on your own and you need pragmatic solutions that aren't all or nothing.

You need him to work out what the minimum number of hours he needs for the business at the moment, what temporary work could go alongside that.
What are is your minimum monthly expenditure and how many hours work do the pair of you need to cover that.
If you do need to work more hours what can he do to pick up the childcare of your child.

It seems to be that the biggest problem is you aren't working as a team and when yours backs are against the wall in a relationship it then now that you need one another to have your backs. At the moment it seems like everything is down to you and that's not fair and it's not sustainable.

Julietta05 · 25/02/2026 15:08

How about writing him a letter with all concerns and arguments. Bulletpoints so he can appreciate your thinking, where you are coming from? The other thing is that you need flexibility, baby will go to childcare and soon will be off with colds and fever. Your husband will have things lined up I bet, won't be able to help but with a new job you will be in bad position too.

It is massive mental, financial and emotional load for you and you cannot be in survival mode for a year!

Original poster

NurtureGrow · 25/02/2026 15:12

Julietta05 · 25/02/2026 15:08

How about writing him a letter with all concerns and arguments. Bulletpoints so he can appreciate your thinking, where you are coming from? The other thing is that you need flexibility, baby will go to childcare and soon will be off with colds and fever. Your husband will have things lined up I bet, won't be able to help but with a new job you will be in bad position too.

It is massive mental, financial and emotional load for you and you cannot be in survival mode for a year!

Yes, thank you. I've started writing him a few emails... obviously dated but sent to myself. Because when I talk to him he just doesn't listen or understand. I guess I'll see if I keep writing them and if I show him one day.

The only solution he comes up with is 'I'll stop the business then!' which is very emotional and angry... and literally presents no options. It's like I have to remain unhappy / or he stops and I suffer the guilt.

OP posts:

Original poster

NurtureGrow · 25/02/2026 15:13

Superscientist · 25/02/2026 15:05

The third option would be what can he do alongside the business to bring in some additional income.

You can't do it all on your own and you need pragmatic solutions that aren't all or nothing.

You need him to work out what the minimum number of hours he needs for the business at the moment, what temporary work could go alongside that.
What are is your minimum monthly expenditure and how many hours work do the pair of you need to cover that.
If you do need to work more hours what can he do to pick up the childcare of your child.

It seems to be that the biggest problem is you aren't working as a team and when yours backs are against the wall in a relationship it then now that you need one another to have your backs. At the moment it seems like everything is down to you and that's not fair and it's not sustainable.

Yes, we are not working as a team. His sister told me she sees parts of him right now from when he was 16 or 20..... trying to prove something..... 😞

OP posts:

Nevereatcardboard · 25/02/2026 15:20

NurtureGrow · 25/02/2026 15:12

Yes, thank you. I've started writing him a few emails... obviously dated but sent to myself. Because when I talk to him he just doesn't listen or understand. I guess I'll see if I keep writing them and if I show him one day.

The only solution he comes up with is 'I'll stop the business then!' which is very emotional and angry... and literally presents no options. It's like I have to remain unhappy / or he stops and I suffer the guilt.

Edited

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What would happen if you said ‘I agree you should stop the business. I’m thinking about leaving you if you don’t’?