Husband’s business, baby - do I need to be more resilient?

[NurtureGrow]

Hello,

Im hoping for advice, especially from those whose partners have businesses, or have one themselves.

We have a 15 month old. My husband handed in his notice on his full-time job last summer, it was a 3 month notice period. He left in the autumn to start his business. Around the same time, I was made redundant and never went back after maternity leave. It was too late at that point for him to stay in his job.

The money I got from redundancy would have lasted 8 months. As he hasn’t had income yet from the business, I had to pay all bills and the money is almost gone after 4 months. We will basically run out of money at the end of this month. I’m sure we can sort it out.. hopefully.. he is hoping to get a small amount of investment and I am urgently looking for work. I had hoped to return to work max 4 days a week, but due to our financial situation, may need to do 5.. (I know not everyone can do less days.) I need to find a job at the same salary as before, or higher. I was hoping to do something less stressful.

I agreed he could try the business for 1 year, what I am wondering is, do I need to be more resilient? I feel this time should be for enjoying our baby/family and seeing family. But instead we have this pressure on us. I do try to support him; I proofread, discuss, do what I can. But sometimes I feel down/grumpy. He feels we will be better off financially if this works, as don’t have savings now.

I feel I’m meant to hold space for our baby, for him, and take responsibility of getting a higher salary again myself. I don’t have family to talk to or offer consistent support.. I’d just really like to build our life together, not have pressure for something that may happen in the future.

The question and problem:

YABU - yes, you need to be more resilient, people do this all the time. Focus on supporting him. This is the nature of supporting your partner with a business.

YANBU - it’s understandable you are finding this hard. It’s too much to do at once. It should be put on hold for an until your baby is bigger, so you can better enjoy the present

I think what he doesn't understand is how much things change when you have a child... they are now my priority.

A little while ago he said 'I had changed, and was no longer ambitious.' Which was so disappointing and exhausting, obviously it's not true. But we had a baby.

My STBXH did this to me…his year has turned into 5 and is ongoing. I ploughed everything I had into the family and now he could get half of it.

A business that doesn’t make money is a hobby.

There a millions of people that would love to quit and work for themselves, they can’t because they take providing for their families seriously.

YANBU.

He needs to find a job! He's completely selfish!

He want to make you responsible for his failure "ok, I will stop the business then.'
He's manipulative. There is a middle ground. He can get a job and do his buisness around that. Most people work a paying job alongside their start up. Realistically, if he fails it will be your fault and if he success it will be his success.

He has to stop before he pulls you completely down financially. It is completely selfish of him to even think he can carry on like this for another year

His business is not working and not viable and he needs to get a job. Please stop making excuses for him. He's dragging you down - you and your baby

This. There's no reason why he can't work

Actually I think it’s him that’s unambituous - ambition is great , but needs to be combined with income-he needs to get a regular job even if it’s a warehouse or similar and build up his other thing around that when he’s off - my H had a day job and also an extra job for 18 months when we had a baby ( luckily in same industry)- he worked till 9.30 at night many evenings and 4 or 5 hours at weekends and eventually the extra job earnt more than the day job - at that point he went freelance and 2 years later I joined in with working in it - we are now 22 years down the line

I have a small business, it took a long long time to even pull a proper wage and now with tax ,ni and payee recent changes its becoming so crippling i have considered looking for a normal job.
My friend has had her business since 2016 and has had to fold too for this reason. Really tricky time for small businesses, he may have to get some evening or weekend work to subsidises or take on some delivering kind of work but run through his business account (He needs to speak to an accountant about this).
Just seen you may be getting some uc , after i think 12 months they change it to minimum income floor(sorry i dont know the amount etc) even if hubby isnt making that thus reducing what you get.

Having been married a long time....a partnership in a long marriage isnt about being equal and fair all of the time. It's about being a partner to the other person i.e. being there for them in what they need with the assumption that it all evens out in the end. Maybe this isnt a situation where you can both have it the way you thought it would be at the same time. That doesnt make you not partners. It means that you take turns in compromising because you understand that the other person needs it.

In our case, at times, I was the one who has carried the full financial responsibility for our household in the past, whilst at others, my partner left his sector so that I could succeed in mine.

For me, a mother of two, is striking that you are meant to find a job that would be high pay, flexible and near enough for doing drop offs and pick ups (because he will be away a lot), puck up all of the household load. I don't even mention any illnesses and time off when baby is unwell.

They are apparently very close to going completely under financially and she was made redundant when she was on mat leave and they are struggling badly - how do you think this is going to be resolved?

Your DH needs to find time to do a little bit of something to bring some money in. Even if during evenings and weekends. If you are a team you need to work together to get out of the problem. He is burying his head in the sand.

You sound very low OP. And your DH is away next week. Can you go and visit family or friends for a few days, or invite someone to come and stay with you?

he needs fo get some kind employment, even if that’s evening or weekend work to bring in some kind of income

@scottishgirl69 i think it depends on them. they can decide that the business is not viable right now and give up on the idea or she decides that it's a blip and gives him a year. it's sort of up to them. however, everyone is assuming that a) he is wilfully doing this - when in reality they had a plan but fate intervened; b) she is not happy with him giving it up or her stepping up and getting the job.....a team usually works on the principle of to each according to their need, from each according to his ability.....

He gave a job up to start this business while she was on mat leave. He's put them in a precarious position. They are weeks away from going under

he started a new business at a time when she had a job......maternity leave or otherwise. that wasnt a reckless thing to do - that was sensible. the trouble is - she lost the job and now they are stuck

Other people might want to sugar coat it but I won't. His business is failing. You have a 16 month old child and you don't have enough money to live on. He needs to get a job -that's the bottom line. No ifs. No buts. He needs to be working

She was made redundant. It's not quite the same thing is it

Why couldn't he have kept his job on for a year to see if the business was going to be profitable or not? That would have been sensible

Seemingly because all the investors said that if he isnt doing it full time, they wont be interested - and who are we to judge whether thats true or not

What investors. They have no money. They are weeks away from being made homeless as she said in previous posts

Thank you, I am thinking of going to visit family at some point next week, as a week is a long time to be away.. I am feeling low.

Yes, that would have been better.. and to have kept it quiet

In terms of how to handle his denial about it all, could you ask him to write a financial plan for you both? Including what happens if you can’t get a highly paid job in the next four weeks? That way you can be clear you still support his dream, but want to understand what the practical steps are going to look like for you both.
He won’t want to do this, because he doesn’t want to face up to his business failing. But at least you will then know for sure.

It's OK to feel that you want to walk away from this, OP. There's a huge danger of him falling into the sunken cost fallacy, and you could still be in this mess in 12 months time. A man who isn't supporting his family with a small baby isn't a team player. He's in it for himself - and this could be a stark look into your future with him.