Husband’s business, baby - do I need to be more resilient?

[NurtureGrow]

Hello,

Im hoping for advice, especially from those whose partners have businesses, or have one themselves.

We have a 15 month old. My husband handed in his notice on his full-time job last summer, it was a 3 month notice period. He left in the autumn to start his business. Around the same time, I was made redundant and never went back after maternity leave. It was too late at that point for him to stay in his job.

The money I got from redundancy would have lasted 8 months. As he hasn’t had income yet from the business, I had to pay all bills and the money is almost gone after 4 months. We will basically run out of money at the end of this month. I’m sure we can sort it out.. hopefully.. he is hoping to get a small amount of investment and I am urgently looking for work. I had hoped to return to work max 4 days a week, but due to our financial situation, may need to do 5.. (I know not everyone can do less days.) I need to find a job at the same salary as before, or higher. I was hoping to do something less stressful.

I agreed he could try the business for 1 year, what I am wondering is, do I need to be more resilient? I feel this time should be for enjoying our baby/family and seeing family. But instead we have this pressure on us. I do try to support him; I proofread, discuss, do what I can. But sometimes I feel down/grumpy. He feels we will be better off financially if this works, as don’t have savings now.

I feel I’m meant to hold space for our baby, for him, and take responsibility of getting a higher salary again myself. I don’t have family to talk to or offer consistent support.. I’d just really like to build our life together, not have pressure for something that may happen in the future.

The question and problem:

YABU - yes, you need to be more resilient, people do this all the time. Focus on supporting him. This is the nature of supporting your partner with a business.

YANBU - it’s understandable you are finding this hard. It’s too much to do at once. It should be put on hold for an until your baby is bigger, so you can better enjoy the present

I think visiting family is a good idea. You can tell them that at the moment you are finding things tough both financially and emotionally, without going into detail.

He wants to be Billy Big Bollocks with the self employed business that is really at present a hobby and not earning anything

it would be interesting to see how he describes himself to other people

either way you either have to suck it up ( I wouldn’t )
or leave

he will always resent you for not supporting him with his “business ”

You will always resent him for doing this at a time you most need to be stable

Haven’t RTFT but you can’t seriously be considering bringing another baby into this mess? That would be complete madness, sorry.

You need to give your DH a deadline for when his “business” needs to generate a steady income, and he needs to take up a part time job to bring some money in in the meantime. Good luck with the job hunt - hopefully you don’t have to go back full time and the part time job you should insist he finds can allow you to do 4 days a week, as originally planned.

He's been trying 4 months and isn't making any money? It doesn't sound like a convincing business to me.

Yes.. It requires funding and developing the product, so it's not like setting up and day 1 being able to make money.

Yes, I think I'll do this... my family are generally quite unsupportive, but I think they'll understand if I say something like this. Especially as my husband recently explained all to my mum.

She didn't say that

He's not going to make any money from this business. He needs to give it up and get back to work

@scottishgirl69

Oh well. Speechless really. Why anyone would bring another kid into a situation like this is beyond me.

I don't think you are really listening to people OP and I also don't think you realise the mess you are in if you think it's ok to have another child when you have no money. You don't seem to see the position your husband has put you in - you're in denial as far as I'm concerned

He doesn't sound like he is considering anyone but himself. You mention having a second child but based on how unhappy you are at the moment then I wouldn't think about getting pregnant.
I think it's a good idea writing things down, maybe send this to him and pointing out now this is damaging your relationship and future.

"How the fuck can I be ambitious as you call it, 'D'H when YOUR 'ambition' is relying entirely on me to do the baby care, the home care, AND find and hold down a full time job to fund YOUR ambition. Which is currently pulling in ZERO income and destroying our family financially. But tell me again how I am the one who has no ambition. Arsehole."

@scottishgirl69 thank you, I know what you mean, but I'm not in denial.. I'm trying to navigate the situation as best I can. And yes, of course, we couldn't have another child if things remain the way are only. Only if they are resolved..

Yes exactly, I was flabbergasted!

To be fair some businesses do take quite a while depending what you do - in my Hs case he had effectively around 5 months initially to do the work, submit it and then get paid on it - a lot of self employed/freelance work is like this- you get paid when you have delivered - however my H was contracted to do this - it’s different if you are developing something for free that you ‘think might work ‘ I’m not sure what ballpark OPs H is in .

Send them this next week.
dh, I don’t feel like you’re listening to me or that you think I matter expect as a support system. I don’t feel I have a partner anymore and you’re certainly not delivering on any of those vows you made or being a good dad. I didn’t sign up to be the main parent, housekeeper and sole earner and you’ve demanded all this of me while telling me to shut up with my complaining and to support you. The support was supposed to be mutual and we were supposed to prioritise each other, not both of us prioritise you without question even after we’ve had a baby. You tell me I knew you wanted a business but you never said this was a way of getting there. You told me you wanted a family, and you knew I wanted a second child, but we can’t afford one now, so you do not get to tell me I am going back on commitments, you’ve broken them all right now. I hope you think about this, because I’m hanging on by a thread here and very alone while I keep our family going. I’ve gone to stay with my family for a few days.

Him not them. I’m not suggesting you’re married to multiple selfish jerks who see you as a service human.

Your choice is either stay, with you and your daughter as second and third fiddle to this man's ego and poor decision making for the rest of your life, or start to think about a life that centers both of you.

There is a third option but it will mean both of you leaning in equally and getting work now. Not for him to double down on his vanity project and pass all of the responsibility on to you. You can't pull a third or a fourth or fifth option out of your sleeve, you will need him to come with you.

Yes things have changed, you both have a child. The fact that he is suprised that things have changed tells you that he is very much behind the curve in terms of what needs to be prioritised now, and how much he is willing to compromise and work as a family.

I would start to think about setting yourself up independently. You're not going to get the life you dreamed of with him, so you might as well make the next move suit you rather than be dragged along in the wake of his one man mission.

It's not up to you to give ultimatums or tell him to quit, it is up to you to make the decisions about what you are going to do. Don't feel shame, you have done nothing wrong other than have hope you married and had a child with a man who would prioritise family. You can tell people what is going on, you're going to need to at some point, you are not to be expected to deal with this situation on your own.

There would be zero chance of me having a second child with this man. Why would you?!

He can do one day a week consulting alongside, or Friday and Saturday evenings in a bar (no need for investors to know anything about weekend evening work). And you can tell dwp you are primary carer and work part time hours while still claiming until little one is 3. And you can manage on that reduced income. Or he can park the business. Or you can end up ill from stress and alienated from your relationship. I think tell him those are the three choices.

You are married to an absolutely selfish arsehole who was destroyed your parenting experience with unnecessary stress.
It is highly unlikely you will ever forgive him for that.
He screams narcissist to me.
He has made having a child all about him and his new business.
I believe that to be very deliberate.
Its what narcissistic people do.
Protect yourself how ever you can.

OP I’m not sure if you’ve told us so apologise if you have but how much actual time does this business take of your husbands day. Is he actually working a full week albeit for a future income?

How are you getting on OP? How was your week with family?

Sorry I haven't been back for a while... @Julietta05 thank you for asking...

We didn't go to family as our toddler was ill... so my mum ended up coming here for a few days. I did try to tell her about the situation. She is quite hard to relate to emotionally, I'm not sure she understands fully.

My husband has got some funding secured now, but hasn't received it yet, it should be within 8 weeks. I haven't managed to get a job yet, but am urgently trying.

I've been finding my mood is very up and down. Sometimes I feel so resentful and angry, sometimes I'm fine. I have finally booked a doctors appointment. Obviously it is the situation, but I wonder if something hormonal as well.

It's all been a lot, but I have to keep going to hopefully secure a job very soon. I must, in anything really.