Husband’s business, baby - do I need to be more resilient?

[NurtureGrow]

Hello,

Im hoping for advice, especially from those whose partners have businesses, or have one themselves.

We have a 15 month old. My husband handed in his notice on his full-time job last summer, it was a 3 month notice period. He left in the autumn to start his business. Around the same time, I was made redundant and never went back after maternity leave. It was too late at that point for him to stay in his job.

The money I got from redundancy would have lasted 8 months. As he hasn’t had income yet from the business, I had to pay all bills and the money is almost gone after 4 months. We will basically run out of money at the end of this month. I’m sure we can sort it out.. hopefully.. he is hoping to get a small amount of investment and I am urgently looking for work. I had hoped to return to work max 4 days a week, but due to our financial situation, may need to do 5.. (I know not everyone can do less days.) I need to find a job at the same salary as before, or higher. I was hoping to do something less stressful.

I agreed he could try the business for 1 year, what I am wondering is, do I need to be more resilient? I feel this time should be for enjoying our baby/family and seeing family. But instead we have this pressure on us. I do try to support him; I proofread, discuss, do what I can. But sometimes I feel down/grumpy. He feels we will be better off financially if this works, as don’t have savings now.

I feel I’m meant to hold space for our baby, for him, and take responsibility of getting a higher salary again myself. I don’t have family to talk to or offer consistent support.. I’d just really like to build our life together, not have pressure for something that may happen in the future.

The question and problem:

YABU - yes, you need to be more resilient, people do this all the time. Focus on supporting him. This is the nature of supporting your partner with a business.

YANBU - it’s understandable you are finding this hard. It’s too much to do at once. It should be put on hold for an until your baby is bigger, so you can better enjoy the present

I wouldn't. They have one month's money left and he gave up a full time job to start a business that is yet to make a penny. He's completely irresponsible

We'd expect a man to support a woman. Why don't we expect a woman to support a man?

Who's this 'we'?? I wouldn't expect either to support the other in this scenario regardless of what's in their pants. I'd only expect one to support the other if the plan was fully worked out and agreed - and then I'd expect the plan to change when the only earner was made redundant, rather than just spending all funds and leaving it to hopes and dreams to fill the coffers.

The OP is clearly trying to support her DH, she's trying her best to get a job, but she hasn't got one or any money, so she can't support him with her resilience alone. He needs to earn money. It's that basic.

No one has ever supported me money wise. I live alone. It's 2026. The notion that men need to support their wives financially is ridiculous and outdated. Even my gran had a part time job in the 1970s when her husband worked full time

I grew up in a single parent family where my dad paid the absolute minimum for me till I was 16. Lots of people don't have a partner to support them - this is not about traditional gender roles. He's given up a full time job and he's making no money. Quite different in my view

I am generally very pro setting up your own business and making sacrifices now for future benefits but I don’t think his timing was great! I would suggest he gets a temp contracting role for 6 months to a year alongside you going back to work (if that was what you originally were planning to do pre redundancy) and you save like mad and then he goes back to the business plan but with a good buffer of savings incase of future redundancies/more children/illness etc.

how long prior to him leaving work was he planning to do so? I ask because I didn’t return to work post maternity and am setting up my own business BUT it was something that was being planned for 5 years previously with my husband and was something I was wanting to do most of my adult life. Totally get him saying he can’t get funded/be taken seriously while still in full time work but you can still be networking and immersing yourself in the industry in that time and planning so you are in the best possible situation. We always knew my husband would be supporting us financially for years while I slowly built up the business but I would be looking after the children at the same time so I was saving us £2k a month in childcare (soon to be £4K!!) and we have at least 6 months of savings incase anything happens to DH job. It has meant sacrifices now, my husbands certainly doesn’t have the lifestyle to fit his salary but it will be worth it in the future and I am incredibly grateful for his support.

Can you go on UC for now, I think if you are the primary carer they don’t push you into work while child is a baby

They don't

I actually think the OP is being gaslit by her husband. Everything is going to be ok. When they are a month away from having nothing

Hmmm no funding December now in February still no funding something tells me all pie in the sky and he needs to get back to work, you shouldn't be the one funding you all or worrying about money and getting another job

He gave up a full time job with the agreement of his wife while she was still in a full time role. She was made redundant AFTER he gave up his job. It's unfortunate timing, not irresponsible.

It’s the no savings and while on mat leave (ignoring known risks of return to work issues) that’s irresponsible. Wife agreed to the plan amidst having a new baby and understandably wasn’t at her most on it. I still think it’s on him and the unfortunate aspects could have been anticipated and mitigated, or at least made him rethink the plan after redundancy instead of just spending her money and hoping for the best.

Besides I think the worst bit of the timing is him quitting a full time job for this with a new baby, and that’s intentional not unfortunate. Everything else follows from that decision, and the agreement of his wife has to be taken in context of the OP still doubting herself even though the money is about to run out. She’s clearly not in the driving seat here and has tried to be supportive because anything else brings on him being upset about being too old, failing etc. The whole thing has been too driven by emotional decisions not realistic planning, so unfortunate issues were inevitable.

This plan sounds unrealistic and I think he was selfish for suggesting this all when you had a new baby.
The whole notion of him being dependent on your salary with no savings was very short sited and I can only hope he has considered the risks within his business. Surely part of being successful is to anticipate problems you might encounter, so when setting up his business plan he should have considered his family and own household income and the possibly of you not having a job.

The jobs market is pretty dire right now. It sounds like you are finding it hard to find a new job yourself and if he isn't going to get funding and his business doesn't get off the ground, is he going to find it easy to get back into paid work?

As someone else has pointed out, even if you find a job will this be worth it and even cover all your household bills and the cost of childcare? Or will your husband be caring for the child while working?

Well that makes the fact that they are going to run out of money in a month better eh?

This is a common sense and paying the bills issue, not a gender issue. If this was a same sex marriage, and one had packed work in to pursue a project while the other was on maternity leave and subsequently got made redundant, with no financial back up, regardless of whether they're in underpants or knickers, Dick or Doris, someone is going to have to pay the rent.

What would you suggest they do at the end of next month when the OPs savings are gone? How should they now arrange themselves in terms of income and childcare?

This is a really good question

OP has already answered this. He has no savings. She thought he would have some. They didn't discuss it. The expectation was OP would handle all the bills as she would have got back to work.
Now she is made redundant.
I think they both should look for work but what do I know about starting up a business.

The timing of the decision for him to quit was not very well thought through.
You need to set a time on it. Is the ‘investment’ a loan? If so what are the t & cs ? It may be you need to be having a reality check conversation with him.

Honestly OP, the bit I can’t get over is that you two had a baby, with money neither of you have….
He left work with no savings and you were living of your mat pay… and have burnt through nearly all your redundancy pay?
your baby is slightly older than mine by a few months. Although they don’t cost loads when they are little, it’s now beginning to add up, ie nursery. Activities, food, clothes…it’s going to get more costly from here on not cost effective. I know you say you are looking for work, it’s tough out there so really hope you find something.
you have done you bit. Your priority should be your baby. He needs to go back to work. He can pick up on his dreams later on in life when your child livelihood is not at stake.

@CatherinedeBourgh I wish I’d known this about both working on the business. I’ve considered it recently. To be honest, I feel my husband should have known. He knows this world, that’s why he’s doing it.. but I feel he’s not getting the deeper impact on me.

The subject is interesting, but not something I ever thought I’d work in.. and I haven’t chosen it. tbh I feel I need to know people (partners, women probably) that have been in this position and how they got through it. I feel like I need to find a way to hold on, to survive as I don’t feel very happy and it’s probably going to go on for 4 or 5 years.

Yes, exactly. He says I need to be positive for him to succeed. We had another talk this evening. I said I have to be positive for you, but who supports me?

What rubbish timing for you both! I think you need to work out a plan together. How long can this go on until you can't pay the bills? Also how much childcare is he able to take on if you do go back five days?

Thank you @Iamnotalemming yes, I would have done this too, with the savings. I’ve tried to explain the stress he’s put me under, but I’m not sure how deeply he gets it. I feel I need to look after myself physically, but it’s hard. I really hope something changes or I can cope with the resentment.

I’ve told him if I go back to work 5 days, he’ll need to do childcare 1 day a week. We get 30 hrs free funded childcare during term time like most people.

That sounds very difficult, but also so glad its worked out for you 🙏🙏

Yes, I forget the funded hours have changed in the last couple of years so you get it younger. I suppose it goes beyond the childcare though into pick ups, drops offs, meal times.

You can't go on indefinitely with no money so I would be making a plan with him of what you need for the next 3-6 months and working out how exactly that can be achieved.

i'm sorry, it's really difficult. My husband started a business when our first child was born. There's been many ups and downs!