Husband’s business, baby - do I need to be more resilient?

[NurtureGrow]

Hello,

Im hoping for advice, especially from those whose partners have businesses, or have one themselves.

We have a 15 month old. My husband handed in his notice on his full-time job last summer, it was a 3 month notice period. He left in the autumn to start his business. Around the same time, I was made redundant and never went back after maternity leave. It was too late at that point for him to stay in his job.

The money I got from redundancy would have lasted 8 months. As he hasn’t had income yet from the business, I had to pay all bills and the money is almost gone after 4 months. We will basically run out of money at the end of this month. I’m sure we can sort it out.. hopefully.. he is hoping to get a small amount of investment and I am urgently looking for work. I had hoped to return to work max 4 days a week, but due to our financial situation, may need to do 5.. (I know not everyone can do less days.) I need to find a job at the same salary as before, or higher. I was hoping to do something less stressful.

I agreed he could try the business for 1 year, what I am wondering is, do I need to be more resilient? I feel this time should be for enjoying our baby/family and seeing family. But instead we have this pressure on us. I do try to support him; I proofread, discuss, do what I can. But sometimes I feel down/grumpy. He feels we will be better off financially if this works, as don’t have savings now.

I feel I’m meant to hold space for our baby, for him, and take responsibility of getting a higher salary again myself. I don’t have family to talk to or offer consistent support.. I’d just really like to build our life together, not have pressure for something that may happen in the future.

The question and problem:

YABU - yes, you need to be more resilient, people do this all the time. Focus on supporting him. This is the nature of supporting your partner with a business.

YANBU - it’s understandable you are finding this hard. It’s too much to do at once. It should be put on hold for an until your baby is bigger, so you can better enjoy the present

The transition back to work feels as though it has been made so much harder because of redundancy and this business.. I'm struggling to see what to do now, what I even want, how to live

His attitude would really make me want to not help him and not support him with his dream to be completely honest.
If he succeeds you will hear how he managed to do it without your support as you just kept nagging about needing money to live and if it doesn't succeed it will be because you didn't do enough.

Is there anyone he would listen too?

I have said I think we may not survive if it carries on like this... I just don't think I can tell him to stop after only 3 months. Maybe a year.

Even if he did stop, I think because he has all this interest, we may not survive anyway, if he feels the opportunity was lost because of me.

I just feel like I don't want to see anyone else today. Like there is no escape for me in this. Sorry it sounds dramatic.

Maybe your last post addresses the issue- you focus on you and the baby and treat him for time being as a satellite? I know it is hard, but apart from wrotting a letter and giving it to him I don't know how you can get to him. Overexplaining yourself does not mean you will be understood.

Have you asked him how he imagine financially next few months? Including nursery and other outgoings?

Yes, it kind of feels like this... I feel this business has made him unreasonable. I think he may listen to one of his sisters, but I don't want to tell her how unhappy I am really. Plus we've only been married 2 and a bit years (together 5.) It feels like a lot to reveal to my relatively new in law family.

Am not sure what the third way would be. It seems that you want to have someone to rely on because you want to step back from your career and be ore present as a mother so you need the other person to step up. He needs someone to rely on because he currently wants to focus on his business and needs the other person to step up and bring in the money. So it kind of is between you having a bit of a less stressful job and being a mum versus the business. Realistically your dream of what you hopped it would be like just isnt compatible with him and his attempts to do his business. So one of you will have to compromise or let go....

You are not being dramatic. You are married to a selfish, unsupportive man who has put you under huge financial pressure for no good reason.

Yes, I probably need to do this, I just feel very unhappy... maybe I just need to be unhappy and see how it goes.

It just doesn't feel like joint decision making anymore. He said I agreed to the business. I did, but not on these terms.

We will survive with this income he's got and I must find a new job in March/April otherwise our 30 hrs free funded childcare will be lost

You have hit the nail on the head, thank you. It's so hard to think about.

I feel so resentful, especially as I'd like to have another child. But with the business we probably couldn't. I told him I would like 2 children when we met, we discussed it from the start.

Again, a lot of pressure on you!
What is the plan re all the half terms and holidays ? Will he be able to cover those?

It’s unfair to expect you to bail him out constantly with his fledgling business that is costing money instead of being profitable.
You are have been throwing good money after bad.

He has only the one argument….ok I’ll close the business then… just to shut you up as he knows you won’t agree to being guilt-tripped.
He doesn’t want to do a realistic long term financial plan for the business plus the household because he knows it proves he’s over-relying on you to keep both ships afloat.
He doesn’t want to see things the way you see them as that means accepting he has failed so he keeps up the pretence …at your continuing expense.
Don't allow that to continue on any further.

You need the evidence of a long term financial plan in order to persuade him to take notice….to persuade him he needs to do paid work alongside trying to launch his business. Do you have access to any of his business details, loans etc in order to produce a rough plan yourself ?

You must consider separating your financial affairs completely, before going back to full time work as soon as possible. Do not let him drag you down any further.

Look after you and the baby only.
Do not support him financially in any way OP, unless he can prove to you that he is working hard and that he can prove by way of bank statements that the business is definitely taking off properly and that he can meet demand.
I don’t think he will be able to do that.

There is no surprise you feel resentful. I sounds like you were vocal about your expectations, he was too to certain extend but there was lack of clarity of what it means for you as a family to start a business.

Give yourself time to grieve for life you hoped for and be kind to yourself. There is a lot going on and if you need to reach out to a sister in law, just do it because that may actually save you and if not you gave it the best shot.

Before our 16 month old is at school, the nursery is only closed 4 weeks a year (2 at Christmas, 2 in the summer,) so we should both be able to cover these. Or at least I can.

the only space for a more understanding is that you both had plans and in reality i guess had a sort of strategy but fate intervened. It wasnt your fault you were made redundant but it also wasnt his either. But shit happens. If you each end up pulling up the drawbridges and argue about how you once had an agreement - you will find yourself on opposite sides. The question though is how do you as a couple manage life when shit happens and plans have to change. In a way - what are your absolute red-lines and what can you compromise on but also be prepared for this to have consequences.

It's no use to say well I had a dream or (s)he promised...because that's sort of irrelevant by now. Are you prepared to go back to full time work and give him two/three years before trying for another child? Can you live with that? If not, can you live with telling him that he does indeed need to park his business and revisit it once the kids are older - in practice it might mean that it never happens - and either he gets over it or continues to resent you. The point though is that you are in this together because shit happens and not because either of you are bad people or arent doing enough for each other. But how you address and deal with it may indeed make or break you.

Thank you @LAMPS1 and @Julietta05 for being so kind. I know many, many people who successfully manage to work 5 days a week with children, it's a privilege not to. I just always said 4 days or less and didn't expect this level of stress. I was very clear about that.

The only solution he comes up with is 'I'll stop the business then!'

Call his bluff. Say yes you should stop the business, it’s not working. I agree.

But honestly, is it really worth it? It seems to be a lose lose situation for you, either you have to shoulder all of the financial burden and be “resilient” or you have to be the bad guy who kills his dreams and puts up with his horrific sulking no doubt.

I still don’t understand why he can’t develop his business whilst earning income elsewhere, even evenings and weekends. Is it really so “all or nothing”?

And I’d bet he’s going to be totally shit about childcare when you go back to work.

Given my age, I don't think we can wait 2 or 3 years to have a second child. It should be now really, but latest early next year. If we didn't have that pressure it would also change things. I don't think I can live with telling him to park the business... I'd just like him to take reasonable adjustments so it isn't so unhappy for me. I.e. him doing nothing on the house is not sustainable or happy. I guess naively, I just really wanted a partnership (don't we all!) and that isn't happening now. I feel I have become an assistant to his project. It's not him, me and our baby now. It's him and his business / and me and the baby as well.

@8268768xc I agree that 'how you address and deal with it may indeed make or break (us).'

Yes, it seems to be lose lose, that's why I'm having real difficulty finding a solution. There is the fact that in the start-up world you can't work alongside, but I do think he could do 1 day a week contracting until more money is coming.

Next week he is going to be away all week.

I think you need to stop calling what he's doing a business. Because it isn't. It's a project at this stage.

You've got the patience of a Saint OP, I'd have lost it with him a long long time ago.

Thank you, he doesn't seem to think I have...

Assuming you both discussed agreed to give it a year?

Then bit bemused why you didn't start job hunting when baby was 6 months old.

Because when the baby was 6 months old, I had a job to go back to after maternity leave. I did not need to look for a new job at that time. I had a 4-day a week quite highly paid job. My industry has taken a massive hit with the mess in the US and I have not been able to find that again yet. I am applying for delivery driver jobs or anything now.