Husband touched me when I was sleeping

[Ghaunj]

We have been on rocky ground for 4/5 years. Been through relationship counselling, therapy etc. He has a history of coercive behaviour (none recently) basically on very thin ice.

2 months ago he touched my breast when I was sleeping. At the time I didn't know if it was real or a dream, felt real and uncomfortable. Didn't say anything to him.

Sunday night it happened again except this time I woke to him pinching my nipple. I rolled over quickly and he stopped. Felt gross again and in the morning was confused about whether it was real.

This time I confronted him. His reaction was defensive and he said "oh yes I groped you in your sleep ofc I did" in a sarcastic way.

What the hell. What do I do?

Victim blaming - victim shaming. As per. I was raped by an ex when I was 20. I had known him since I was 17 but we occasionally crossed paths at parties and being out. I actually thought I knew him well enough to know he wouldn't do something like that to me.
He was the last person I thought would ever do that to me. And in his mind it wasn't rape - he was just entitled. That was 1989. Nothing has changed by the sounds of it.

I was in his bedroom. We were kissing and then he pinned me down. Forced my jeans and knickers off and then forced himself on me. I kept saying no but he wouldn't stop.

At the end of it - his excuse was - you looked beautiful.

My point - people in relationships can be assaulted out of nowhere - completely out of nowhere. So when someone is giving you the signs that their behaviour is off -run like hell

Women should not be expected to tolerate behaviour that makes them feel uncomfortable on any level. Married or not

It’s sad you feel the way you do about it. My DH often touches me and it isn’t always intentional! Also I’ve been known to grab his hands and erm place them on me and have recollection! However I fancy him, we have a great sex life and it doesn’t upset me.
If you feel upset by it, don’t share a bed and if he doesn’t get that, you need to split.

This is what happened to me. The police took it seriously. He was charged.

No. It's sad that women think that if someone's husband pulls their nipple when they are asleep and then denies it later that that's ok. Particularly when she's said that their marriage has been co ercive - he's the problem here - not her!!

Honestly. If there are going to be 400 posts of I think it's ok because my husband gropes my boobs on the regular - maybe think before you type

She has also said she doesn't have the funds to leave and her family are 4-6 hours away. Seriously. I don't care if some posters on here are groping one another 24/7 or banging themselves sideways day and night. The OP posted this for support. Not to be told that getting her nipple pinched while she's asleep is ok by you

Unfortunately op you’re going to have to either flee to family all those hours away however he may fight for the children.

Or flee to a women’s refuge.

Women's refuges are full to bursting. I don't think it's relevant that he could fight for the children. That's probably to be expected - but she needs out of this situation.

Just read that you are renting from his family. This is just more controlling. His behaviour is escalating, you need to try every organisation to find someone that will help you get out of this situation. You have already reached out to Womens Aid and have put yourself secretly on the social housing list, you're doing your best. If you can manage to go to a shelter new legislation (Domestic Abuse Act 2021) means you should be given priority for social housing but I know that isn't the easiest option with two autistic children.

When you reach out to organisations for help and advice, make sure you emphasise that his behaviour is escalating - if you are not being as intimate with him as he wants and he has then started to sexually assault you when you're sleeping, this can quickly escalate, I have a friend who was drugged and raped by her husband.

If you can manage to get an escape plan in place without him even being aware of it, that would be ideal. Call the other numbers, and stay strong. I really wish you all the best.

I haven’t had chance to read all responses.
Im not trying to explain or make excuses for OP’s H: but, there are loads of things done in people’s sleep.

I looked up when I heard about “the sleepwalker killing “;movie based on the true 1987 case of Kenneth Parks.

My husband does stuff in his sleep, once peed into a suitcase by his side of our bed. And couple yrs ago drove to our GP’s surgery car park in middle of night; there’s a photographing system (tracked for 1hr) to stop illegal use otherwise no one would have suspected. He still won’t believe it even though there’s photographic evidence, he was overdosing on his medications at the time….but doesn’t believe that either!

The particular (apparently?) thing about “sleep sex” or sexomnia, sleep killing, sleepeating etc. etc., is that the ‘perpetrator’, hasn’t got any memory of doing whatever has happened. Which isn’t much help🤨 i know.

I sleep in a separate room now, luckily.

Oh she’s does but unfortunately if its hours away she could have to give the children to him to live in the area they grew up in and I’m going to assume that’s why she won’t leave and he knows it.

this is not ok OP.

The minimising it is awful - dismissing it is not acceptable.

my husband has sexsomnia and would grope me or try to have sex when he was asleep as well as me. Heavens knows why but I just ignored it and never even told him. I was a victim of bad child abuse os I think subconsciously I just thought I had to put up with anything that happened ot me and couldnt do anythign about it. but you can. I ended up having a psychotic breakdwon and lost every single thing id worked for.

My therapists ays that my relationship was one of strange form of coercive control also all along - especially financial but there were other thigns.

you may not want ot say but im interested ot know what form the control took?

No. Decent people don't initiate sex by touching their partner sexually without consent. In my relationship we both only initiate sex when the other is awake and can consent to any touching - we are weird like that 🙄

There is nothing 'sad' about how the OP feels about being sexually assaulted. What is sad is that she is being sexually assaulted in the first place.

OP speak to women's aid again. He's sexually assaulted you twice now in your sleep 😔 and it sounds like he was more obvious the second time which really worries me for you. 😔

You could try waiting until they’re actually conscious as a starter

Yes. I think it’s a basic human right that a woman should be able to sleep in her safe space without someone pinching her nipple while she’s asleep.
and then gaslighting her about it afterwards.

No wonder divorce rates are so high..

ODFOD

Yes. Women should shut up and allow sexual assaults to go ahead because otherwise their abusers might divorce them.

Off topic but how did you get on the council list when you're married and have a home and how have you been bidding for 3yrs, i thought there was a cut off point of 12 months? Forgive me if I'm wrong.

Anyway he's revolting, like hell would i share a bed with him again.

What do you mean?

I can’t believe one of my responses was deleted (which I think was level headed and fair) when there is so much toxic and not to mention illegal viewpoints being shared on this thread.

It is a crime to touch someone sexually when they are asleep.

All the info to put this into context is there in the OP and still people keep saying “I wouldn’t mind.” Jesus Christ.

I don't think that would necessarily be the case for someone fleeing violence that the kids would be handed to the dad. Mothers tend to get custody most of the time

Yeah because someone gets groped by their co ercive husband and then he denies it and has the temerity to be upset - how very dare she