Husband touched me when I was sleeping

[Ghaunj]

We have been on rocky ground for 4/5 years. Been through relationship counselling, therapy etc. He has a history of coercive behaviour (none recently) basically on very thin ice.

2 months ago he touched my breast when I was sleeping. At the time I didn't know if it was real or a dream, felt real and uncomfortable. Didn't say anything to him.

Sunday night it happened again except this time I woke to him pinching my nipple. I rolled over quickly and he stopped. Felt gross again and in the morning was confused about whether it was real.

This time I confronted him. His reaction was defensive and he said "oh yes I groped you in your sleep ofc I did" in a sarcastic way.

What the hell. What do I do?

OP, I hear what you are saying about the difficulty of leaving if you have children with additional needs. That does create an extra burden and difficulty.

There are not easy solutions here. Staying is hard and leaving is hard.

I do worry though that things will escalate with his behaviour if you stay.

I hope you can find the sources of information you need to properly scope out your options. You may find you get a higher priority on council or housing association waiting lists due to your children's needs.

You could also try talking to Women's Aid about his behaviour to have this logged there and that may help your housing application.

I presume you are claiming whatever benefits you are entitled to for the children - make sure all these benefits are being paid to you, not him, including child benefit.

Wouldn't be an issue if you were asleep?

One definition of sexual assault is being touched when the person cannot give consent

Renting from his family.
I am on the council list, have been bidding for 3 years secretly.
I have spoken to women's aid in the past.
Ideally I'd move out into a new rental but I'd need first months rent + deposit and then a lot of them require household earnings of over £40k, which I don't have by myself.

Ghaunj
Read your post am truly disgusted/unsettled for you
Have some things to say :-
He's a pig, leopards don't change their spots
ie:- past coercive behavior.

When did this groping start?
Is he seeing someone else and this is what they tolerate/don't mind??
Also
Get yourself another place to sleep, he's assaulting you so you should note details down for future reference (police/womens self help charities)
Take no more and don't let it get worse
Do right by yourself

Is that not how anyone instigates sex? Someone majes the first move ?
Obviously if it makes you uncomfortable it's not acceptable! But maybe he's trying In A cack handed way?

In the past when things were better how was intimacy started ? In a similar way?

No it wouldn’t.

We both reach out to hug each other or place a hand on each other during the night to show love and for comfort. I wouldn’t think twice if my husbands hand ended up on my boob during the night but that’s because I’m in a loving happy relationship.

The OP had her nipple pinched while she was asleep then he denied it - that's not someone placing a hand on their partner

By pinching someone's nipple when they are asleep. You don't think it's better that sex is initiated when someone is awake?

To the OP, I am so sorry you are going through this and feel so isolated and trapped. What he is doing is not okay, it IS abusive and you are totally right to feel repulsed by him and his sinister denial of it in the morning, especially with his history of coercive control. I would agree with others saying you need to get out of this marriage but understand why this is so difficult. I really think you need to start making plans of how you are going to get out of this, technically, with two autistic children, he should be the one to leave the house. I don't know where you're based but I'm attaching some links to websites that might be helpful and have helplines you can ring for advice.

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

https://www.flows.org.uk/

https://www.wgn.org.uk/get-help-now/

There is support out there for you, you are not alone, and there are a lot of women who have been in or are still trapped in similar situations. I know your situation seems impossible but you are stronger than you think. You are a strong mother to two children and you were strong enough to know he was being coercive and controlling and confront him and seek out therapy for it.

To all those saying it's fine for a partner to wake you up by fondling your intimate parts in the hope of getting sex makes me slightly queasy, maybe my own history of abuse has coloured my opinions.

There are ways to be gently roused from your sleep by a loving partner, like gentle neck kissing or stroking of an arm or back or neck. To go straight in for the breasts or genitals is, in my opinion, all for his benefit and not particularly gentle or loving. I suppose it depends on what turns you on in a relationship but any man assuming ownership of my intimate parts is a big NO for me. Just because I married him doesn't mean he gets to touch my breasts and genitals whenever he likes, I am not his property. I see couples wandering round a supermarket or a station platform and his hand is firmly planted on her arse, or his arm is draped over her shoulder and his hand is cupping her breast and it reminds me of a dog marking it's territory.

Ghaunj
Perhaps I'm being romantic/naive but no friends family of your own you could discreetly stay with?

The OPs husband has a history of co ercive behaviour. It's really irrelevant whether every person on this thread wouldn't mind having their breast or other body parts touched, it is clearly an issue for the OP

OP I’m so terribly sorry. I would suggest speaking to women’s aid again, because your situation has changed with this new disturbing behaviour. I’m sorry to put this in such plain terms but you aren’t safe, and they will recognise that. Women’s Aid may be able to help prioritise you on the council list given what’s going on

I didn’t say that’s what happened to the OP, you were questioning what I said about my relationship.

Your post seems very smug and dismissive of the situation the OP is in.

Absolutely incorrect. My original question to the OP was asking what the situation was with her husband with regards to their sex life to try and build a bigger picture of the situation.

You’re making huge assumptions from little information.

I think you need to speak to them again. You need ongoing support from them. Tell them things have escalated and they might be able to support you with an application for a council property near your family.

Tell the council you need to flee domestic abuse. Report to your gp as well.

That's not your business or mine. She's given enough detail in the opening post to show that her marriage isn't happy

Eh? 🙄🙄🙄🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Jesus- fucking- Christ

Where I live the GPs are trained in recognising early signs of DV and would refer someone like OP into a support programme.

I agree that talking to Council/ RSL about escalating behaviour from your H is a worth doing. There is huge demand for social housing so anything that might help your application is worth trying.

The woman has said he has a history of co ercive control. He pulled her nipple when she was asleep and then denied it - do you think that's normal behaviour? I don't

If this were my partner, then I would be the same as sleepy sex is something that he and I both initiate and enjoy.
However it's not my partner, nor yours nor is OP either of us. Sex while sleeping or sleepy is only acceptable if both partners have made it clear that they consent to it.
Consent is all and it's clear that OP did not, just as it is clear from context that her partner would know she would not want it.
Just because some women consent to specific sex acts, men can't assume that means all women consent to it.

I have no idea why you sleep beside this man. Why are you staying with him. There is way too much animosity in this relationship, it’s irreparable.

I am genuinely shocked at some of the responses on this thread.

The OP disclosed in her initial post she is in an abusive relationship with a man with a history of coercive control.
He pinched her nipple whilst she was asleep and unable to consent. Twice.
He denied it when asked (I wonder why).

In no world is this ok! Anyone kidding themselves that it is is deluded.