Husband touched me when I was sleeping

[Ghaunj]

We have been on rocky ground for 4/5 years. Been through relationship counselling, therapy etc. He has a history of coercive behaviour (none recently) basically on very thin ice.

2 months ago he touched my breast when I was sleeping. At the time I didn't know if it was real or a dream, felt real and uncomfortable. Didn't say anything to him.

Sunday night it happened again except this time I woke to him pinching my nipple. I rolled over quickly and he stopped. Felt gross again and in the morning was confused about whether it was real.

This time I confronted him. His reaction was defensive and he said "oh yes I groped you in your sleep ofc I did" in a sarcastic way.

What the hell. What do I do?

He has a quick fondle of your nipples to see if you are awake?

Jesus. Saying ' are you awake?' is a non-creepy way to find out if someone is awake.

Yeah, which is why I said it depends on the relationship. I couldn’t have made it clearer. 🤷‍♀️

So it's OP's fault for going to sleep in her own bed next to her husband? If she didn't want to be touched sexually without consent she should have slept somewhere else?

This is sexual assault. I sent a man straight to jail for sexually touching me when I was asleep. Straight. To. Jail.

Stop sleeping in the same bed as this man immediately. He can’t even respect you enough to own up to what he did. The reason for that is because he already knows it is assault. Knows and does not care.

If my DH flinched back quickly from touching me when I woke up he would be out the home the same day. He has made it clear didn’t want you to wake up. He did not want to be caught. He wanted to assault you while you were not conscious.

I am so, so sorry.

I think his reaction is the big red flag for me. I think it speaks volumes.

Why bring up your relationship then or speculate on what's normal in relationships when OP has been clear it's not normal in hers? What was your point, if not to invalidate the OP?

Tongue in cheek-hopefully?

@Booksandcheese men who quickly retract their hand when they have been “caught” having a fondle are men who did not want to be caught. They are not trying to arouse their wife, they are trying to get something while they are unconscious and cannot consent.

They are deliberately trying not to wake their victim.

If OP’s DH’s intention was to arouse he would have said that. He would have tried to wake his wife. He would not leap back in defence and gaslight her into thinking he didn’t touch her at all.

I couldn’t stay with a man that did this. He is abusing you, and gaslighting you on top.

So sorry, you are not being unreasonable to feel the way you do.

I don't think waking up with your hands touching someone you are intimate with is quite the same as pinching someones nipple whilst they are asleep then denying it tbh.
Because you are intimate with someone and share a bed with them doesn't mean you consent to anything on any occasion.

depends on how it is approached.. My husband sometimes will put his hand on my back and do a light backrub..if i wake up enough, and am interested, i will move towards him.. If I am tired and cannot be arsed, I do not respond and he takes it no further. BUT he is a respectful husband. Nipple pinching. NOPE. groping NOPE...not until consent is given. I have no issue with my husband trying to start something...but he also has no issue with me not being up for it. I do not believe being married or in a long term relationship where you share a bed equals consent. Thankfully most decent men do not either.

I see the slime has oozed out of the Sex topic again. Funny how that happens on topics about consent like this.

You’re right, OP, his reaction is a huge red flag. You say that he hasn’t been coercively controlling lately. I’d be worried that this is his latest form of abuse and that he is always going to try to find some way to abuse you. Can you leave him?

I'm sorry you're married to him.

Your example isn’t comparable. Consent requires awareness and the ability to respond. OP was asleep, distressed by it, and didn’t consent — that’s the difference.
Most couples initiate sex by testing the waters with reciprocation. When that isn’t possible, or the response is negative, it stops. That didn’t happen here.

It's a complicated situation. Our kids are autistic and need a lot of support. It's a daunting thought.

Start to plan your divorce but in the meantime sleep in another bedroom, preferably somewhere you can lock or wedge the door shut from him. You need to stop sharing a bed with him as you are not safe. If you are asleep you cannot give consent which means he is sexually assaulting you.

I posted about this years ago and I was clear that the marriage was abusive. Despite that people ridiculed me and repeatedly compared their situation with mine like they are doing here. Loving snuggles from a nice husband are not the same as unwanted nasty gropes from an abuser. The thread was a pity fest of people feeling sorry for him and calling me a prude.

Op you said he has history of coercive control but none lately. I disagree. Coercive control doesn’t stop, it just changes form. You should not be in therapy with a coercive controller. it is not a relationship problem that can be overcome.

An escalation from coercive control into sexual assault is very serious. My situation escalated into much more than touching. He recorded himself assaulting me and ejaculating on me while I slept. I reported him to the police but no action was taken.

Please don't put your children above your safety, physical and mental. You'd not be able to look after your children at all if you are beaten down.

I understand life would be easier as far as care for your children, but harder in every other way. Children learn behaviour from the parents so in the long term having a coercive and controlling dad is not good for them at all.

Take good care OP.

Exactly. I just didn’t know how to word this without seeming like I condone abuse.

The rest of your relationship is key for context. My husband and I are intimate and our relationship is respectful and sex is always consensual. We cuddle in the night and hands may wander. If I said no, my husband would stop. If I woke up and said that it made me uncomfortable, he would stop and apologize. Only you know OP what is acceptable and within the boundaries of your relationship and its current state of affairs. The fact that you don’t feel it’s right and have come on here to ask for advice says that you know it’s unacceptable.

That is not ok behaviour from him.
I wouldn’t particularly care if my dh touched my breast in my sleep, I would wonder why and what he was doing but our marriage is good and he is not prone to sexual abuse or any of that type of behaviour.
He would however not pinch my nipple when I was sleeping, that is not only sexual assault that’s physical violence and I don’t think it would even occur to him to do that. I would be extremely worried if my dh did this and for him to deny it and blame you for being ‘mad’ is even more worrying

For you. Which is the important point.

It clearly isn't the case for OP or some others on this thread.

If I'm asleep, I'm asleep and I expect my husband to respect the fact that I'm sleeping.

Maybe anyone who does not have an understanding of the context of “coercive control” which was mentioned in the OP should keep their irrelevant experiences to themselves. How exactly are they intended to help the OP?

...can't believe 19% of people clicked that they think this is OK...!