Husband touched me when I was sleeping

[Ghaunj]

We have been on rocky ground for 4/5 years. Been through relationship counselling, therapy etc. He has a history of coercive behaviour (none recently) basically on very thin ice.

2 months ago he touched my breast when I was sleeping. At the time I didn't know if it was real or a dream, felt real and uncomfortable. Didn't say anything to him.

Sunday night it happened again except this time I woke to him pinching my nipple. I rolled over quickly and he stopped. Felt gross again and in the morning was confused about whether it was real.

This time I confronted him. His reaction was defensive and he said "oh yes I groped you in your sleep ofc I did" in a sarcastic way.

What the hell. What do I do?

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2021/jun/15/the-sexual-assault-of-sleeping-women-the-hidden-horrifying-crisis-in-britains-bedrooms

And all the rape apologists and minimisers on this thread can fuck the fuck off.

The fact he wakes you then denies it is nasty in it's own right. Frankly, he doesn't like you much Op, you'd be better sleeping apart

Putting your hand on intimate places would qualify. Do you really need clarification?

OP was sleeping. How can you consent if you are fast asleep?

If you're so uncomfortable with him touching your breast you need separate beds. When you sharing a bed with someone you've been intimate with hands can end up anywhere whilst asleep. I've woke up go my DH shouting oww because I'd pinched him in my sleep. I've also woke with my hand on his genitals which I assume was just me cuddling up to him and my hand landing where it did. I'd feel pretty shit if I was accused of sexual assault. I'd never share a bed with a man I wasn't intimate with because I know these things could happen.

Maybe twist his balls hard with your eyes shut?
Deny all knowledge.
Then ltb.

You seriously think groping someone's tits wouldn't count as sexual?

Good luck with defending that in court.

What the hell. What do I do?…… reach out and squeeze his bollocks might be a good place to start!

Sorry, but no. That's very clearly not what's happening in the OP's circumstances. It wasn't a cuddle. It wasn't someone lashing out during a nightmare.

People absolutely do not reach over, search out their wife's nipple and pinch it, hard enough to wake her up, by accident in their sleep. They just don't.

This man has a history of coercive control. This is just another facet of his abuse.

Please leave him, OP. He's an absolute danger. Touching you like this in your sleep, gaslighting you about it and the history of coercive control are all part of the same thing. He's abusive.

For a normal person, touching someone intimately while they are asleep without consent would not be appropriate. Whether they have an active sex life or not is irrelevant.

Yeah, I would think most couples might feel each other during the night. Late DH and I did. Depends on the relationship though. 🤷‍♀️

OP, sounds like you need separate beds and you might want to consider splitting up now. Does it feel like “time”?

Fascinating. I've managed to live a whole life without touching someone inappropriately whether during waking hours or at night.

I'm saddened that you can't see how unacceptable it is to touch someone without their consent, and that you go so far as to say "I know these things could happen". These things don't just happen.

Nope. Not while they're asleep.

Don't you think the fact that OP is posting a thread about it on mumsnet ALREADY tells you she's not ok with this? Why would she post otherwise?

The first thing you do is say do not touch me in a sexual way, or hurt me, while I am asleep ever again.

You fucking what?
This thread is full of gaslighting sexual assault apologists. Disgusting.

In a normal healthy sexual relationship when you are sharing a bed with someone you love then for me it is understood that sexual intimacy is a possibility. If he fancies a bit and has a quick fondle of my nipples to see if I'm awake and in the mood this is in no way sexual assault. If I am asleep I will wake up and either say yes or no. And I say this as a previous victim of rape.

Context really is the key here. If you do not have any trust in the person sharing your bed or are no longer intimate on a regular basis then that is your issue is perhaps that person should not be in your bed. And, obviously denying that it happened is a big issue here.

But not all men who reach over and have a bit of a fondle to rouse you and initiate sex are committing sexual assault.

Amazed people are going on about them doing this and it being ok and wanting to build a picture when its right there in the first post that this is not a normal thing in her relationship 🙄

Op he is sexually assaulting you in your sleep. He is a pervert.

Can you not conceive of a relationship in which this was NOT normal, healthy, reciprocal affection?

I wouldn’t be sleeping in the same bed and would be considering leaving. This does not sound like a safe and respectful relationship.

The creepy loser menz posters LOVE a thread like this, Gives them tingles I imagine. Saddos. OP this is TOTALLY unacceptable. I would be leaving the rapey weirdo personally. 💐

He's an abusive man and will never stop being an abusive man.

What makes men abusers is the desire to control. That is what the coercive control was about.

That is what touching you in your sleep is about. Its about control. He can touch you as he wants and you don't know about it. All the knowledge and control is with him.

He will never stop being like this. You should leave him.

Oh I'll put my hand up as another of those deep sleepers who has definitely woken up with my hand in all sorts of places from when I've been asleep. One time I pinched my husband on the nose whilst I was asleep. Another I pulled his armpit hair and only woken up when he ouched. He's also initiated sex in the middle of the night when fast asleep and when I've woken him (by saying oi leave me alone it's 3am) he's been very confused and apologetic!

Key thing here is the OP is unhappy with it and it sounds like there's other things going on in the marriage.

But I am going to debunk the idea that this would 'never' happen innocently.