Being subjected to SM assault over a wallpaper

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I'm writing this with total incredulity.

A week or so ago I got invited to a friend-of-a-friend's house. The lady in question is clearly a Mrs Hinch type, but each to their own. I did notice wallpaper being unsealed around the cooker/sink area and POLITELY inquired about it. My DD was prem, with heavy lung issues, and one of the things nurses warned me about was wallpaper in the kitchen as a potential fungus/mould and toxin source. I didn't point this out, of course, just gently enquired if she plans to seal it.

She got a bit weird with me, apparently she wipes down her walls regularly, and don't I? Erm, that would make it worse with wallpaper, but I just smiled and nodded.

Now our mutual friend pointed out the absolute barrage of slander on SM. Apparently I was rude (wasn't, just lightly enquired about a sealant?) and "minging" for not cleaning my home properly (my home is kept clean to a post-NICU standard, IYKYK).

Safe to say, that person will be avoided at any cost in the future, but was I unreasonable?

There you are, you see. As the phrase ^neurodiverse' took off and began to be applied willy nilly to individuals, the Grammar Police clearly felt a need to step in and lay down some ground rules to tighten things up.

If only they'd do the same with they/them pronouns.

Two things:

1. OP, you are justifiably upset about the friend of a friend's lack of sensitivity in complaining about you on social media. But you are unable to see, after having it explained by multiple people, why your comments about the kitchen walls would have been seen as rude and hurtful. You are quick to identify rudeness in others but don't want to acknowledge when you are coming across as rude yourself. As a fellow neurodivergent person I understand that it may be hard to see that in the moment, but this is why reflecting afterwards is important.

2. I have seen the term 'neurospicy' used 3 times on mumsnet and each time it is when someone who is neurodivergent/has a neurodivergent relative is trying to justify or minimise hurtful behaviour. I don't know if that is subconsciously because of the associations of spicy - someone who is interesting, a rebel, who breaks boundaries and might hurt people in the process but who can't help that - but in the cases where I've heard it used, it's come with a lack of self reflection and unwillingness to try to understand others.

Which posts? What are you on about?

I have a kitchen-diner.

it’s got wallpaper in the dining bit if it.

lots of open plan rooms these days.

I was just trying to be helpful, thanks!?

I’ve seen too many threads where someone says (correctly) ‘Everyone is neurodiverse’ and someone else indignantly responds with ‘You can NOT! You need a diagnosis’…rant, rant rant and massive derail.
Happens all the time and I can do without it on this thread!😅

This.

I see it quite differently. The word 'spicy' has connotations of exciting or exotic. Perhaps that's the intention, which I can understand for some, but I have a different perspective.

I have 2 DC who are neurodivergent. Their lives are hard; our lives as their parents are really hard- in fact, with our youngest our lives have been changed in every way conceivable because of his neurodivergency. I still grieve for the lives we dreamt about, but don't have. We love our children fiercely, but there's nothing easy or exotic or exciting about our children's disabilities, and they are disabilities. DC3 has uncontrolled epilepsy, as an additional neuro complication.

So, forgive me for not agreeing that neurospicy is an appropriate term.

You were proper rude. You've gone into someone else's home and judged their wall covering. You put her on the defensive. She's probably booting off because she's over reacted but you started it.

As for neurospicy.... WTAF. No wonder people don't take diagnoses seriously. You wouldn't walk around saying I'm chest infecspicy or I'm cancer spicy.

I’m sure you meant well but it’s quite rude imho

I would have asked too OP and don't think its rude at all. Its a simple question, backed by a bit of knowledge

Sorry, I wasn't getting at you, just responding more towards the person who said 'being pedantic it's neurodiverse, not neurodivergent.'

As I said, I've noticed people are now much more commonly saying 'He/she is neurodivergent' whereas in recent years since the word took on legs, people have tended to say 'he/she is neurodiverse.' Obviously they were wrong, grammatically speaking. Myself included.

But these days with new phrases and buzzwords coming into play like 'woke' and they/them pronouns, and phrases like 'eat healthy' falling into common usage, correct grammar seems to have gone completely out of the window and is no longer considered important. It's interesting to see there is a rigorous application of it in this context. Probably because it's coming from actual clinical psychologists and not just people on TikTok.

I hadn't given any thought to when one word would be more appropriate than the other and clearly neither had most other people, but now I understand why I am hearing neurodivergent more. It's helpful to know, thanks!

It’s her house, and sometimes it’s simply better to keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself.

People can do some really weird things to their properties (imo), but it’s up to them.

Visiting a friend of a friend, ie: someone you aren't close with, you should be on absolute best behaviour.
Commenting on their wallpaper - strongly implying they are wrong/only done half a job - is absolutely NOT your place, even in idle chit-chat. It would come across very rude. The ONLY acceptable comment from you should have been "very nice", or even a polite, "mmm" if you couldn't drum up more.
I'm not surprised you've subsequently had an ear-full. You made a social faux-pas there.

Thanks @CompetitionMyArse.

I used to say it wrong too. I attend autism support webinars when I can as DS is autistic and the difference has been explained by the presenters on more than one occasion now. So it does look like they’re trying to get the message out around terminology.

It can be a minefield actually in other areas. Terms like learning disability (iirc) mean different things in different countries and even differ in meaning between different organisations in the UK. Whether it means dyslexia vs an intellectual disability depends on who you’re talking to. If you’re reading papers you need to know where the author is from to be certain of their meaning. So I understand the effort webinar presenters make to get everyone on the same page here.

I'm in the minority but I really can't understand what is so offensive about the comment. You didn't say "ugh what dreadful paper" ( v rude) you didn't say "why haven't you sealed the paper yet?" (a bit rude) or "you need to seal that" (abrupt but ultimately helpful). You asked whether she'd been advised to seal it. If you had said that to me I would have been grateful for the information about the health risks.

And I think you can describe yourself in whatever way you think fit.

Oh I miss that laughing comment emoji

I bet she's got a "You don't have to be mad to work here - but it helps!!" HILARIOUS little plaque over her desk 😂

Quirky, spicy, a little bit cra-cra too means ruddy boring and annoying

This is confusing me - so the premise is that OP is ND so says what she sees, she is factual and logical and not saying it to cause offence. Ok, if that's the premise under which she operates that is fine - but she's also been really hyperbolic "being assaulted". If you are the ND spade a spade thing I wouldn't have thought you'd be prone to that, you'd just be factual and say she has said x about me on social media. And the I pointed out gently, again, ND would be I pointed out x.

I think though op, whatever you said, the fact that she has gone on social media makes me think she' s bit thick, so yes it is amazing that she has done this. But just block her and leave your poor mutual friend alone, I bet she's fed up of it all.

Snap. I am now thinking am I a dirty slattern! And i don't know what sealing wallpaper means, even after 17 pages, does it mean sticking it to the wall with paste? So many questions.

99% of everything I talk to anyone about, has nothing to with them, or me from them. What bizarre world of sterile and inane conversations do you live in?

Not commenting on someone else’s decor only leaves inane and sterile subjects to talk about?
You sound somewhat limited in the old imagination department.

Wow...this comment says more about you than it does the OP. Real school bully vibes. Do you feel better now?

No, not being able to comment on something "not your business". Try and keep up, that wasn’t even remotely difficult. Its almost like there was no honesty in the comment, and was designed to be BS . . . . . . . .

Yes completely concur with you lovely, bless her & it's so clear original commenter didn't mean to offend
💚

Jesus, another nonsensical word salad…. Whatever.