Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Always the patient girlfriend waiting on potential

173 replies

Hellohi00 · 04/02/2026 09:56

I’ve always been the patient girlfriend, waiting for potential, hoping he would “get there” one day. Over time it’s meant I naturally become the provider. I often end up paying just to actually do things I/we would like to do. It’s always that awkward tension when he walks away while I pay. Even when I do get treated, it comes with the usual “I’ve got no money” conversation and the guilt of he’s not got it. I’m 26 now, and I can’t help but wonder will I ever be the girl who gets treated, who gets a softer, easier life, or am I always going to be the one carrying and adjusting my expectations? The one investing and lifting him up but never being in the other seat.

Is this just how life is? Has anyone else been in this situation

OP posts:
Cosmication · 04/02/2026 09:58

Yes that is exactly how life will be. Unless you decide to raise your standards and find someone better.

currentlybrunette · 04/02/2026 09:59

I get it. I’ve been there. But I want to be clear that you are choosing to remain here.

If you want to be taken care of, find a man who already has capacity to take care of you. Potential is a long game and wasted time if they never get there. At 26 you’re young enough to start again and again and again if you want to.

HowardTJMoon · 04/02/2026 09:59

That is exactly just how it is in your relationship with him. It is not necessarily how it would be if you were in a relationship with someone else, such as someone who is not out to take advantage of your good nature.

InterestedDad37 · 04/02/2026 10:01

YABU for somehow thinking this is your fate. It isn't. Exercise your choice, and find someone else.

ClaredeBear · 04/02/2026 10:01

please don’t stick around - you’ve got the whole world ahead of you at 26

Shoxfordian · 04/02/2026 10:02

Stop dating losers

MeganM3 · 04/02/2026 10:03

You are the only person who can change your situation and what you decide to allow.

I would help a committed partner out temporarily, if I truly believe they were trying their best and just in a temporarily unstable situation. I certainly wouldn’t want a long term partner in a rubbish financial situation. If you want better for yourself, do better and find better at the end of the day you are in charge of your life.

problembottom · 04/02/2026 10:04

You leave him, he either gets his act together and comes back to you or he drifts through life and you find someone better suited.

The latter is more likely - my friend's ex was exactly the same in his 20s as he is now in his 40s. Lovely fella but you wouldn't want to rely on him.

Sofado · 04/02/2026 10:04

You are being ridiculous. If you want a different boyfriend, just dump him and find someone else. Why are you being so passive and fatalistic?

Whenindoubthugitout · 04/02/2026 10:05

Walk away
aim higher
set better boundaries

5128gap · 04/02/2026 10:06

Are you talking about one man or your pattern of experience with multiple men? If its the first, it will continue as long as you allow it. If it's the second it will continue until you review your dating pool, cast your net wider and proactively choose men who are not a work in progress.

goldenplacemat · 04/02/2026 10:07

You choose this. Choose someone who has this standard already. You deserve it.

trappedCatAsleepOnMe · 04/02/2026 10:16

No - though I suppose both DH and I only had potentail as we were fairly young met uni - but we had already jumped some hurdles to get there and were working hard on more - by 26 I was married with some savings and both of us few years into our carreers.

At 26 I think you should be looking beyond potentail to some actual accomplishments and a path to some finacial stablity and more commitment.

Though before we married and bit after we still shared date money - I wasn't expecting to be treated and carried by him - so if he bought tickets I'd buy meal afterwards - I wasn't expected to be looked after but was wasn't subbing him.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 04/02/2026 10:18

He’s using you. I’d walk away. No one likes a mean user.

TalkingShrub · 04/02/2026 10:19

Reframe this less romantically, OP.

You’re not the ‘patient girlfriend, waiting for potential’, you’re a mug.

Only you can stop yourself being taken for a ride till the end of your days.

Original poster
Hellohi00 · 04/02/2026 10:22

we been together for nearly 2 years. I don’t want to be dismissive as we all struggle in our own way. but I starting to get fed up, I want to communicate this without pout sounding like I’m attacking his situation. If this doesn’t go well I am losing and it may be time to just leave it.

Before I got with him and I was just dating I ran into a lot of guys who were still figuring it out. Is it an age thing or is it something I am doing wrong ?

OP posts:
Starlight1979 · 04/02/2026 10:22

Is this just how life is? Has anyone else been in this situation

Um no. Because bluntly why the fuck would I be with someone like this?

You are funding him and allowing him to do fuck all. Why would he change?! He's got a brilliant life! You go out for dinner and he walks off whilst you pay?!

Wow. What a charmer 😍

Original poster
Hellohi00 · 04/02/2026 10:23

Also I wanted to add at the time I don’t realise he was in this situation until we was in a relationship and I was meeting his friends an family

OP posts:
Starlight1979 · 04/02/2026 10:23

Hellohi00 · 04/02/2026 10:22

we been together for nearly 2 years. I don’t want to be dismissive as we all struggle in our own way. but I starting to get fed up, I want to communicate this without pout sounding like I’m attacking his situation. If this doesn’t go well I am losing and it may be time to just leave it.

Before I got with him and I was just dating I ran into a lot of guys who were still figuring it out. Is it an age thing or is it something I am doing wrong ?

It's something you're doing wrong.

Do you have low self esteem / confidence issues @Hellohi00 ?

PollyBell · 04/02/2026 10:24

You are responsible for the life you want life is not a Jane Austen novel, men are not there to treat a woman you do that for yourself

If women expect that no wonder why they think men are the enemy

beAsensible1 · 04/02/2026 10:26

So stop dating people who have potential and date people who have arrived?

But id also argue at 26 that everyone is just coming into their own career wise. So cannot necessarily provide for another adult if thats what you mean by soft life?

date someone who kind considerate and generous. Proactive about dating and liking for someone to know properly. Date slowly and wait to see their intentions before becoming over invested.

do some reading or workbooks on how to create healthy attachments and building relationships that work for you

Original poster
Hellohi00 · 04/02/2026 10:26

@Starlight1979 I wouldn’t say I have low self esteem or confidence but I over caring.

Have you got any tips for when dating or moving forward ?

OP posts:
deeahgwitch · 04/02/2026 10:27

Sofado · 04/02/2026 10:04

You are being ridiculous. If you want a different boyfriend, just dump him and find someone else. Why are you being so passive and fatalistic?

This. 💯

Original poster
Hellohi00 · 04/02/2026 10:29

To explain soft life I don’t mean they pay and I do nothing. I mean a life where I don’t have to stress or feel guilty about finances especially when it’s not my financial issues

or except dates won’t be happening unless I accommodate them

OP posts:
user2848502016 · 04/02/2026 10:31

You’re only 26, he won’t change in fact he’ll probably get worse. Dump him and have a bit of fun doing what you want to do