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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Always the patient girlfriend waiting on potential

173 replies

Hellohi00 · 04/02/2026 09:56

I’ve always been the patient girlfriend, waiting for potential, hoping he would “get there” one day. Over time it’s meant I naturally become the provider. I often end up paying just to actually do things I/we would like to do. It’s always that awkward tension when he walks away while I pay. Even when I do get treated, it comes with the usual “I’ve got no money” conversation and the guilt of he’s not got it. I’m 26 now, and I can’t help but wonder will I ever be the girl who gets treated, who gets a softer, easier life, or am I always going to be the one carrying and adjusting my expectations? The one investing and lifting him up but never being in the other seat.

Is this just how life is? Has anyone else been in this situation

OP posts:
Starlight1979 · 04/02/2026 10:32

Hellohi00 · 04/02/2026 10:26

@Starlight1979 I wouldn’t say I have low self esteem or confidence but I over caring.

Have you got any tips for when dating or moving forward ?

Yes. Set a standard and stick to it.

For example, I never would have dated anybody who wasn't financially independent, who didn't have an excellent work ethic, who had different morals or family values to me or who didn't believe in a relationship / marriage being a joint commitment.

Of course there are times during long term relationships where you end up having to support the other person (job loss, illness, maternity leave etc etc) but from day one? Not a fucking chance.

As I said in my earlier post, he is showing you exactly who he is now and - as anyone on here will tell you - it will only ever get worse. The more you give, the more he will take.

Thestressofit · 04/02/2026 10:32

Realise your worth, dating is like everything in life you need to cost benefit analysis it.

Is he in a very different financial situation to you or just tight?

Starlight1979 · 04/02/2026 10:33

Hellohi00 · 04/02/2026 10:29

To explain soft life I don’t mean they pay and I do nothing. I mean a life where I don’t have to stress or feel guilty about finances especially when it’s not my financial issues

or except dates won’t be happening unless I accommodate them

or except dates won’t be happening unless I accommodate them

This is so sad. You are 26 years old ffs.

Soonenough · 04/02/2026 10:36

Two years ? Get out of this relationship. My DD is in one similar and it breaks my heart for her. She is now approaching 30 and he does earn money but seems to have no interest in marriage or a planned future together. She still pays half even though he earns so much more than her . No financial plan and he spends his money on frivolous things for himself . I worry so much as she has invested her 20s in him and seems no further on in her life now . He is a nice sweet natured guy but just so neglectful and I think takes her for granted. I do wonder if she stays with him as she thinks she doesnt deserve better.

Original poster
Hellohi00 · 04/02/2026 10:37

@Thestressofit we are quite different financial position. I earn more than double what he earns. He also has quite bad debt

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 04/02/2026 10:37

Stop looking at the potential or you will be forever disappointed. They might be happy as they are and don't want to become the potential you see. Look at the now and see if it will be still acceptable to you in five or ten years. Btw he's taking you for a mug, get rid.

MzHz · 04/02/2026 10:39

1: you build the life YOU want for yourself, stay focused on that.
2: you end it with this guy, he’s had long enough to rise and he isn’t. You’re not his business coach.
3: it’s only 2 years, you have a whole lifetime ahead of you, this relationship will be but a sneeze in the greater scheme of things, don’t ruin your life with that bullshit sunk cost fallacy thing.

you WILL get what you need/deserve ONLY if you believe you are worth it, and make the steps to achieve it. You won’t achieve a thing with this guy weighing you down

he’s taking up the space where a productive, creative and successful partner could be. Make space for success in your life, it will come

trappedCatAsleepOnMe · 04/02/2026 10:40

If you have very different attitudes to money and inablity to commuicate and work it out - leave it won't get better.

I also wouldn't be happy any dates are only happening because I was paying.

I'd walk away from this one TBH.

The wider issue of finding men not like this - well I ignored all the prevaling advice at time to not bring up deep topics to just have fun and keep it light so I was asking about attitude to family,money wanting kids and long term goals as part of general conversations - we did just a lot of talking before we started dating - friends before dating route.

So I'd go with asking more questions and walking away quicker if behavior starts to trouble you or you think long term not compatable - take them as they are do not expect them to fundamentally change for you.

Starlight1979 · 04/02/2026 10:40

Hellohi00 · 04/02/2026 10:37

@Thestressofit we are quite different financial position. I earn more than double what he earns. He also has quite bad debt

So looking at the future... You're not going to be able to buy a house together (due to his debt), I doubt you'd want to have kids with someone who is so financially irresponsible (although millions do), you won't be able to go on nice holidays or weekends away unless you pay for them....

Is this what you want?

MzHz · 04/02/2026 10:41

Golden rule: YOU CANT MAKE A MAN INTO THE MAN YOU NEED HIM TO BE

and you know I learned this the hard way 😁

Tigerbalmshark · 04/02/2026 10:43

It’s fine to break up because your financial attitudes are miles apart. There’s no long term future together if you disagree on something so fundamental.

Honestly if he is so financially insecure that you can’t even go for a coffee or pint unless you pay for him, what on earth is the point?

Please tell us you don’t live with him/aren’t financially supporting him day to day?

Anonanonay · 04/02/2026 10:44

Honestly, this reads like a form of self-abuse.

beAsensible1 · 04/02/2026 10:48

Hellohi00 · 04/02/2026 10:29

To explain soft life I don’t mean they pay and I do nothing. I mean a life where I don’t have to stress or feel guilty about finances especially when it’s not my financial issues

or except dates won’t be happening unless I accommodate them

Yes but you don’t have to stress about other peoples finances. You are not financially linked, you don’t live together so don’t.

let him suggest things within his budget and if he complains suggest he shouldn’t be dating currently as he can’t afford it and move on.

just dump him omg

summitfever · 04/02/2026 10:53

You’re not even dating potential cause this guy sounds like he has none. I wouldnt bother with a convo about it a guy at your age should already be trying to achieve his potential without being whipped to do so. Just tell him it’s not working for you any more and move on. There’s guys out there that absolutely will be able to match your position and continue to grow with you. This guys holding you back. Go live your life to the full.

BoredZelda · 04/02/2026 10:54

When I first met my husband, he had some money issues, not of his making, but he was skint most of the time. He wouldn’t want to go out because I had to pay for everything. I really enjoyed going out and spending time with him and was happy to pay. I thought the relationship had legs and wanted to see where it went. I moved in with him after a year or so and for the first few years of our relationship I was paying for most of what we wanted to do. I could afford it and it was no issue to me. We’ve been together for over 25 years now and I’m glad I supported him. We are now largely even in our contributions and have been for most of our marriage. What’s important was his attitude to it all. He was never comfortable with being “kept”. If he had been, I wouldn’t have wanted to be with him. When he was skint he wouldn’t “treat” me in ways that didn’t cost money. He’d spend time cooking a fabulous meal or he’d spend time researching that thing I just couldn’t find. I never felt there was an imbalance in our relationship just because I had more money than he had.

If you don’t feel valued, this relationship isn’t for you.

Womanofcustard · 04/02/2026 10:56

And his debts are because of……?

Dgll · 04/02/2026 10:58

If you want to be 'lucky' in life you need to make wise choices.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 04/02/2026 10:59
Warning Watch Out GIF

Your relationship looks like this;

MapleOakPine · 04/02/2026 10:59

For me it would depend on the reasons for his financial situation. Is he a hard worker in a low paid job, or a lazy person with little ambition? Are his debts due to over spending or for understandable reasons?

beAsensible1 · 04/02/2026 11:00

Bad debt at 26. What potential? He needs to focus on himself not on having a girlfriend.

sometimes in life you need focus on yourself. It sounds like that would be best for both of you.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 04/02/2026 11:01

Out of interest tell us what your childhood look like. Your relationship with your parents? I always think the answers lie there and unpicking why you’re happy to tolerate this might take working with a therapist.

Meteorite87 · 04/02/2026 11:01

@Hellohi00Nothing will change with him as long as he is in "quite bad debt".
I'm guessing part of his income now goes to paying off his debts.

If he can/does pay those debts off, he might be very cautious with money afterwards. That is sensible for him but likely to leave you still stressing over dates/his financial situation.
It's ok to want a relationship where you're on a more even financial footing.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 04/02/2026 11:03

The OP is now ‘part of his income’ as he is happy for her to pay shared expenses. If she walked away I wonder how much shit he would be in.

Original poster
Hellohi00 · 04/02/2026 11:05

@Womanofcustard his debt is because of irresponsible spending in his early 20s

OP posts:
AwfullyGood · 04/02/2026 11:07

Smart women don't date potential.

It's like waiting around is in case he wins the lotto - be might but the odds are not in his favour.