Always the patient girlfriend waiting on potential

[Hellohi00]

I’ve always been the patient girlfriend, waiting for potential, hoping he would “get there” one day. Over time it’s meant I naturally become the provider. I often end up paying just to actually do things I/we would like to do. It’s always that awkward tension when he walks away while I pay. Even when I do get treated, it comes with the usual “I’ve got no money” conversation and the guilt of he’s not got it. I’m 26 now, and I can’t help but wonder will I ever be the girl who gets treated, who gets a softer, easier life, or am I always going to be the one carrying and adjusting my expectations? The one investing and lifting him up but never being in the other seat.

Is this just how life is? Has anyone else been in this situation

No. It’s only how life is if you allow it to be.

I would throw this one back. You're really young and you're feeling like you're giving and waiting, that doesn't sound like a fulfilling relationship. When someone tells you who they are, listen.

I'm envisaging 10 years forward with him, 2 kids, he's trundling happily along while you're slogging it out in your career ( you can't ease your foot off the pedal as you're earning 75% of the family's income), you do all the mental load, most of the childcare, housework, decisions, all of it... You're still waiting for him to step up and he just sees the 12 years of status quo as evidence he doesn't need to and you'll stick around and do everything. I know that sounds dramatic but I've seen it (and lived it to some extent) too many times.

If you aren't ready to do break up now, I'd start matching what you spend and do the more expensive things with friends or even solo and see how he reacts to being denied access to your money.

I'd also look at how he is in other areas - does he show generosity in terms of effort, thought, empathy, emotional support. Will he jump up and do the washing up for example? Does he match your energy in any area of your relationship? Is he actually grateful for you paying for things or has it become an assumption that you will?

@angelos02 sometimes I do and it means we can’t do anything. Also means we are indoors at my home and my food gets eaten so that is costing me

its clear it’s a losing game and I’ve read all the messages and know the reality. It’s just crap to accept and do

What are his good points? They'd better be compelling as so far it's all negatives: in debt, pessimistic, not inclined to treat you. What keeps you with him, other than the fact you're in a relationship already and you feel it'd be harsh to break up?

At 26, your both still young. If he's been studying/building towards a high-paying career that starts low, it is probably worth sticking it out. But if he's just not that bothered about improving career prospects, get out now.

I'm going to guess its some people just dont know how to be single.

Why can't you go round his and eat his food?

It gets draining having a partner you always have to 'carry', you'll end up feeling like his parent.

Is he doing anything to find another job or do overtime etc?

Not your circus, not your monkeys, OP. You're beginning to sound more and more like someone with such poor self-esteem they latch onto someone who 'needs' them for some reason, rather than forming a relationship of equals where the only draw is mutual liking and attraction.

How long do you think Mr Leech would stay with you if you were as low-paid and mired in debt as he is, and if you expected all dates to be at his house with him cooking for you?

No, we’re suggest dumping him and finding somebody financially solvent to date instead.

Massive debts are a massive red flag. And if you give him an ultimatum what exactly is he going to do? Say “oh ok then, I’ll take one of the many six figure jobs on offer to me”? He may be lovely but he is always going to be penniless and in debt, and your life with him is always going to look like this.

It's not 'crap to accept'. It is useful information about your own personality and habits in relationships to which you can choose to listen or not.

Omg run

there was this video I saw perfectly, but it was basically a woman dancing and saying ‘me, enjoying the man some woman built up’

he won’t respect you for staying. He likely has low self esteem.

run and get yourself to the club xx

You are doing something wrong - you are taking responsibility for his dysfunction. You are 26 - there is no need to settle for this. 2 years is sunk cost. Better now than in 20 years with children and a mortgage in the mix. Please make sensible decisions, and as is often said on MN, raise your standards.

Potential is only a thing to wait around for if that person has ambition, talent and are hardworking. Without the hard work the talent and ambition are meaningless

When you meet someone if they are still figuring things out they need to be working all the hours they can so their bank account at least is going in a northward direction.

You need someone that has a plan for their career and life that aligns with your plans
and is putting those plans into action
Even if their work has nothing to do with their plan beyond bringing in money whilst they are building a business/doing a degree or getting qualified for a career.

How will that change anything? Could he get a second job so he has more money?

His bad financial choices are nothing to do with you. I appreciate you’re being supportive of him but when this comes to paying for everything how long will this be for?

How old are you both?

No.

He saw you coming a mile off, he's hitched his wagon to you and he's more than happy to be along for the ride. I would suggest that you save your energy, you've got absolutely no chance of changing the status quo here, no matter now much explaining and begging you do. He won't change, he likes it very well the way it is.

Why would anyone willing to pull their weight be happy to see the person they supposedly loved taking all the financial strain and ride on the coat tails?

will I ever be the girl who gets treated, who gets a softer, easier life

Potentially, but you need to be a woman who raises her standards and doesn't slide into a relationship that doesn't better her just because it suited HIM.

You're 26, it's been two years, chalk this one up to experience, learn and move on. Time to give him the elbow, clear the decks and you will be astounded by the sense of peace and relief.

Ah you’re 26, guessing he is a similar age or slightly older.

Generosity is a key quality to look for in a partner. This isn't bring grabby, nor is it particularly income dependent, it's about having a giving attitude and should be recipricol.
You really shouldn't settle for someone mean who's happy to take advantage of your generosity.

It's pretty hopeless and you should get out now before wasting more of your young years and hard earned cash on a loser.

Having a chat with him about increasing his stability won't motivate him. He'll probably just sulk and move on to another generous woman if he thinks you'll stop bankrolling him. There's only one person in the scenario having a "soft life" and it's him!

His debt is something he's stuck with but no reason he can't do more to increase his earning power (though that would obviously help to pay down his debt too). He just doesn't want to because he's got you to fund his food and treats.

You sound nice. Find someone better who deserves you and enjoys your company not what he can get you to pay for.

the question is: do you love him? A lot of love and other redeeming qualities are needed in this relationship to overcome your financial incompatibility

Join Burned Haystack Dating Method on Facebook and/or buy the book of the same name by Jenny Young PhD.

OP. Change can be difficult but you’re clearly a bright woman and need to leave this relationship for your own sake. You matter. You are important too. It’s not your responsibility to carry this man.

Every penny you spend on him is money you could be spending on a better life for you and your future family. Every day you spend with him is a day you’re stopping yourself from meeting an equal. That’s what you should be looking for - someone like you, who has their life reasonably together.

I would bet a lot of money that he’s the type that likes putting his feet up (match on TV, beer in hand) while you run around him doing housework. And that’s so unattractive.

Please leave him.

Relationships usually get worse not better…

If you forever bail him out/ enable him he will continue to take! You can't change him but you can change what you do / accept. Time to throw this one back amd move on!

You're the same age as my dd. If you were her i'd be sitting you down and giving you the talk. Hopefully your mates would do the same. He's taking you for a mug.

What is his potential?