Always the patient girlfriend waiting on potential

[Hellohi00]

I’ve always been the patient girlfriend, waiting for potential, hoping he would “get there” one day. Over time it’s meant I naturally become the provider. I often end up paying just to actually do things I/we would like to do. It’s always that awkward tension when he walks away while I pay. Even when I do get treated, it comes with the usual “I’ve got no money” conversation and the guilt of he’s not got it. I’m 26 now, and I can’t help but wonder will I ever be the girl who gets treated, who gets a softer, easier life, or am I always going to be the one carrying and adjusting my expectations? The one investing and lifting him up but never being in the other seat.

Is this just how life is? Has anyone else been in this situation

Having been in a very similar relationship, here is the first thing your post made me think.

Leave. Leave and never look back. Your hopes will NEVER change this type of man, he will take and take, and you will end up feeling alone and used. Better to be single than bankrolling this manchild.

Him paying and then saying that he's skint is pretty awful, probably thinks if he protests enough that you will pay for everything Walking off while you pay could be embarrassment from him but it's more likely that he just doesn't give a damn.

That is not the question.

Whether she loves him or not, sitting down and telling him she needs to see movement towards more stability is not going to make her life any better because he isn't going to change. There is zero point in that conversation.

I disagree with everyone. He seems like a loser but you seem really shallow and money obsessed.

Switch the sexes around. A young woman who’s been daft and spend loads of money she didn’t have runs up lots of debt, finds a guy she loves. He’s on a higher wage and he always has to pay when they go out cause understandably she’s skint. He gets bored of her being skint so EVERYONE piles on to say dump the little loser bitch.

Is that ok with you? It’s not with me. There’s way more to love than how much stuff someone can buy you.

Sounds like you need to find someone with similar values to you OP.

Just leave him. I think your exactly right. your treating him often, he's getting a good life so why would he want to change anything. Get rid of this one and don’t settle for less than you deserve next time you need a real partner who wants to enjoy life with you not use you to pay for there life go on nice holidays together and not be a bank card.

Oh I probably wasn’t clear, I agree the chat isn’t going to suddenly turn what seems like a loser into an equal partner for OP.

”do you love him” is more of a rhetorical question because it doesn’t seem OP and her partner are very compatible. And I think OP already knows that

I knew someone who drifted like this into his 70s. Perpetual child in attitude and couldn’t summon the energy or initiative to create a better situation. OP, best move on. Painful in the short term but you want a life, not perpetually waiting for someone to earn enough to buy dinner.

Start living for yourself.
Drop things that aren’t working for you.
Avoid people who irritate you.
Cultivate interesting people who are nice to you
Follow your current passions and interests.
Investigate new ones…

eg I’ve always been quite intrigued by a particular country, let’s call it Austria, so I found the local Austrian Society and went along to meetings and a historical zoom. It was dull, full of odd people and bonkers odd ideas. BUT I found it absolutely fascinating precisely because of this.

I then met friends for dinner one night and someone asked what I had been doing recently. Oh I’ve joined the Austrian Society. Oh did you, that’s interesting, how was that? Dreadful but I loved it.
And soon the table was discussing new clubs etc that people had joined and would recommend.

Doing stuff, any stuff, being out and about, (a) you meet new people and (b) you have things to tell the next group of new people.

Concentrate on developing an interesting and busy life, and lovely compatible partners will appear.

(Post written with huge apologies to Austria which is an absolutely lovely country!)

The way you get treated with respect is to treat yourself respectfully. You treat yourself as though you are a two bit loser.

I’ve read the whole thread and your passive people-pleasing worries me more than the loser boyfriend. Ditch him, then reflect on why you didn’t think you deserved better. Work on that before you date anyone else.

These are the relationships you keep entering into. Only date men of means and that way you’ve filtered the pack. But be prepared, it may narrow your playing field and you miss out on Mr Right because he’s a late starter.

I’m sorry but he sounds like a liability. Please don’t accept this. At 26 you have so much potential.

100% this…… you deserve so much more than this flake !!

Hi @Hellohi00
How is this a two year relationship if you want talk openly about the way the relationship is and elements of it make you feel? What you would like them to do (take responsibility for their share of dates)? You don't have to pay. You could split payments if affordability is genuinely an issue. You could discuss cheaper/free things you would like to enjoy?

Don't you discuss who is paying or is it assumed you pick up the tab, like a parent every time? This person is taking advantage financially if this is the case.

If you can't afford or choose not to, you should consider going your own way and moving forward from the relationship. If this has happened the length of relationship, you have yourself a leech, not a lover x

Has this always been the case since you met him 2 years ago ?
If so this is exactly how it will go on .
Why do you want to be with someone that can’t go on dates with you unless you pay ?
This would put me right off ..
The 2 of you should be working away, planning trips , weekends, enjoying life !
Would you carry someone at work ? I’m guessing no , so why do it in your personal life OP .

I’d agree with this post a lot. I was there in my early 20s and I couldn’t see any way out. I was overpaying for everything due to his low income all being spent on alcohol. It’s hard to view it objectively when you’re in the situation and emotionally invested. Thankfully I got dumped (tough at the time) and eventually landed with someone the exact opposite.

Early to mid 20s. I was 25 when we split.

I’ve been there! Get out now or you will look back in years to come and wonder why you wasted so much time and energy on that person

It is not a relationship of equals. You have chosen this. I would never choose a relationship where we were not equal because equality matters to me. What potential does a low-paid 20 something with irresponsible spending habits and spiralling debt have? Why is he not working extra hours to clear the debt and have a better life. Is it because you are his meal ticket?

I never wanted to be taken care of, but I did want us to take care of each other- your boyfriend is obviously not interested in being adult, either that, or he is spending his money on something or someone you are unaware of.
He is not interested in a partnership, so you should move on-26 is plenty old enough to have worked out you need have to have a job, and manage your own money.
I would also suggest your boyfriend can't have much self respect, or respect for you either, if he just walks off when it is time to pay.

I’ve been where you are (at the same age as well) and I can say with certainty things won’t improve if you stay together. He has no incentive to change as life is very comfortable for him with you doing all the heavy lifting. I would even say talking to him is useless (ime), as he’ll make all the right noises but won’t change his actual behaviours.

As hard as it is, I’d end this relationship and move on. Your life will get infinitely better once he’s out of it - the worry, financial pressures, the feeling of carrying a dead weight around your neck - all gone. Just be prepared for a lot of guilt tripping when you end it as he sees his life organiser and meal ticket slipping away - but you’ll look back in the future and be so glad you got out.

No they wouldn't. People are literally saying the opposite and you are still chuntering on about how to make it work. You are incompatible, and you're unhappy with the situation. So stay and get used to this, or leave, work on yourself and find someone better. Just because you have spent 2 years together, doesn't mean you have to throw more years away on him.

The minute someone told me they had debt there would not have been a second date. Put this one down to experience and move on.

If you start to see the signs of someone who isn’t financially independent and willing to pay their way, move on.

This should be quite obvious when going on dates - the caveat being potential love bombers and scammers, who start off being overly generous as a manipulation tactic.

I’d say generally it’s not a great plan, but there are exceptions. A friend’s DD got together with a guy who seemed like a bit of a waster, nowhere stable to live, flitted from job to job. She’d just finished uni and they lived in a caravan for a while, counting the pennies. She had some savings which she handed to him as he wanted to start a business, I think it was about 4k. My friend was furious and convinced his DD would never see that money back.

Fast forward a few years, he owns an incredibly successful business, drives a Porsche, they have a baby and are very happy. She could obviously see something in him.

This this this op x