Always the patient girlfriend waiting on potential

[Hellohi00]

I’ve always been the patient girlfriend, waiting for potential, hoping he would “get there” one day. Over time it’s meant I naturally become the provider. I often end up paying just to actually do things I/we would like to do. It’s always that awkward tension when he walks away while I pay. Even when I do get treated, it comes with the usual “I’ve got no money” conversation and the guilt of he’s not got it. I’m 26 now, and I can’t help but wonder will I ever be the girl who gets treated, who gets a softer, easier life, or am I always going to be the one carrying and adjusting my expectations? The one investing and lifting him up but never being in the other seat.

Is this just how life is? Has anyone else been in this situation

Does he give in other ways? Is he loving and caring? Does he do nice things for you that don’t cost money? If he doesn’t and it’s just a case of him being unmotivated to change his situation and he’s not giving emotionally or finding ways to do nice things for you then it might be time to cut ties.

You’re 26! Whole life ahead. That money could be poured into your pension and you could retire early. He’s already jeopardising your future.

I was that girl and I married that man. I told myself that he was providing in other ways, emotional support etc.

The reality was, I paid for the vast majority of things, I did the vast majority of house work and he lost his mind several years into our marriage and became emotionally abusive, neglectful and unfaithful. The plus side was that I absolutely did not need him for money, I could leave at will and I can support DD without him. He chucks me some cash now and then but we have no child support plan in place because he can't afford it.

We met when we were 26. I wouldn't change it but I wish I hadn't been so naive. When you're in your 20s everything seems doable. But over the years my job became far more high paying than his - I outstripped him in every metric that counts to patriarchy (i.e. earning potential). That contributed to his resentment and treatment of me over time.

Now I'm a mum I realise that having a partner with equivalent or higher earning potential would really take the pressure off. I would love to go part time or change my role to something less taxing so I can see DD more while she's small. I can't do that. Even if I weren't a single mum, that wouldn't be an option because I earn so much more than ex-H did.

My advice is that, sadly, money does matter. A man is not a plan, you should never be in a position where you are financially dependent on a man because he can still turn around and be abusive. But if you have children you need someone who will meaningfully pick up the financial slack if they aren't willing to pick up the domestic slack.

I have one friend who is an extremely high earner and her husband is a STAHP. They have a very happy relationship but honestly, her DH is one in a million.

What kind of life would you like? It’s nice to be treated, but part of the reason we like that is that it indicates that a man will put us first. In a long term partnership, you want to know that he would step up if you were pregnant, or incapacitated. It’s not that you can’t earn well enough for both of you, but you want a partner that will consider your welfare and your needs even when it costs him something to do that.

Of course some of the indicators are false, but it’s not unreasonable to want someone who is sensible with money, has a strong work ethic, is generous etc.

I sense from your posts that you feel a bit unreasonable, as if you’re not being kind enough? fair enough? patient enough? Where did that burden come from op? Did you have a parent who wasn’t patient enough?

OP, you are 26. Do you want this for the rest of your life? Because that’s what it will be if you stay with him. This man will be in debt and a low paid job for the rest of his life - and happy to sponge off you. While you are paying for meals out and activities now, in the future this will affect where you live, where your kids go to school, holidays, etc. Ditch this one. He’s a user.

I think if the relationship is otherwise great then you paying more isn't a big deal for a defined period of time. But, if things are expected, awkward, he's not making up for the lack of money in other ways and he's just coasting then I'd be concerned about the potential of being used. A red flag is the low paying job. In my 20's I worked two jobs and 7 days a week plus school. IMO you're meant to hustle in your 20's.

Date a bit older. Someone who is established in their career or heading that way - It took me a long time to learn this one!

It’s not about being treated or having a softer life - it’s about being in a partnership of equals - equal in that you share the same values and goals and are fairly comparable in terms of spending and tastes so that he will treat you as often as you treat him or you can ‘go dutch’ on things like holidays, the mortgage etc.

Honestly, you are 26, you do not need to keep this relationship going. As many of the first posters say, you are choosing to remain in this relationship. The power here to move on and find someone more compatible is in your hands. If you were my daughter I’d hope you seize that power and move on without him.

How old are you? While you may have money you don't have unlimited time and he may be wasting it.

Men in their 30s who have not settled tend to be more career focused and they want a partner who is going to take a backseat role to that and support them in their careers. That gets hard as if you're not settled by your 30s you are also used to thinking more independently. Or they want to date younger, so they can delay a family longer. Once you hit 30s in some ways can be easier to date an older age range who are more career established.

Men in their 20s; have not always got things figured out. Again you may be better dating someone a bit older. Or they may be keeping options open which is potentially a big waste of your time.

But look at underlying values - if you value hard work, look for someone who also values hard work. If you also value empathy look for someone who also values empathy.

Don't date someone for their potential, that's a rescuer mentality.

Oh at 26 OP I would ditch it. When you are in your 20s you have more options than your 30s, 40s, as less people your age have coupled yet.

What do you want to happen? And what are you afraid of?

If you want a partner who treats you well, who is attentive, who has financial stability, the price for that is breaking up with the current one, and looking for another one (which means relearning how to date in order to avoid losers, etc)

It's scary, but I don't see a pain free way to get where you want.

Are you suggesting that if the OP were in her 30s or 40s, you’d be advising her to stay in a relationship with someone who exploits her, because hey, he’s a guy, and the better ones are probably taken?

As someone who stuck round…. Here’s my piece and you can decide if it’s the life you want:

I was in the same position as you and at 26 got pregnant accidentally. I now have three kids with him and he is a fantastic father and kind hearted man. BUT I am still the financial bread winner, bill payer, date planner, emotional rock, default DIYer etc. He does do over 50% of childcare in return.

I will say although we have a good life (of 95% my creation) it’s draining, I’d love him to take initiative both in our family and our romantic life. I now plan out all my birthdays on my own as after a decade of shit birthdays I now CBA with the disappointment. I do whatever I want to the house as I know if I don’t do it no one else will. If I want nice things in life it is me alone who needs to achieve it for the family, we are not a team in that sense.

I do wonder what my life would look like if I’d met someone who did want to take care of me rather than the other way round, or at least matched my earning potential and had initiative. I have to squash those thoughts for the sake of my kids - you can still decide if it’s for you.

You sound a lovely person who deserves a decent partner in return .
have read your update re debts . What is the plan for him to clear these and how long will this take ?
What is his attitude re the debts , has it changed his attitude to spending ? I appreciate that he won’t have a lot of disposable income currently .
Does he have any career potential to earn more and what is he doing about this ?
I suppose I would be wondering two things . Firstly was he grateful to the relative who bailed him out with a loan or has he just accepted the position as his “ due “?
Does he have the expectation now that you will step in and pay for treats etc ? Is he grateful to you and does he treat you in other ways i.e thoughtful / kind non monetary ways ?
If not I would be concerned that he would just expect you to finance him in the future and would have the expectation that you do so permanently .

I know quite a few relationships where the male is the lower earner and it can work , but only where the finances are the only area that they do not pull their weight .

If you want kids in the future , do you think he would be a decent and kind father who would more than pull his weight. as you would be the one who would be at the very least taking shared parental leave ?
To me he sounds like he is a bit emotionally immature and would expect you to look after him , but maybe that isn’t the case . What does he bring to your relationship ?
Hood luck .

Is he actively isn't trying to improve his financial situation ? I would ask him what his plan is ?
If u don't want his financial stress (which you shouldn't have anyway) Tell him you are working for you and u won't be supporting him unless he is helping himself to improve his financial situation
I think you need to communicate how your feeling and if nothing changes I need to end the relationship

I don't think she seems money obsessed at all, she just sick of putting her hand in her pocket all the time.

If he was actually doing something about his situation ie look for another job or a sideline to bring money in she'd probably have more respect for him but it sounds like he's just coasting along happy for her to pay for everything while contributing fuck all.

Hi op you sound lovely but the bigger picture is he’s never going to change and just because you earn more doesn’t mean he should let you pay for everything. Even if you looked ahead he’s really bad with money and you don’t want to be tied to him because if did move in together or joined your cash he would either spend it or expect you to and it can affect your credit score. Might not be important now but it will be crucial in your future. He really isn’t a keeper. Talk about taking you for granted walking away while you pay. That’s disgusting behaviour.

Yes. Thats a good idea.

I highly recommend you read The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now by Meg Jay. I found it really useful

You've got it together and he doesn't. He's become comfortable with you picking up the cheque so he'll never go back now. I'd leave this situation. It'll never come right now as the dynamic has been set.

It’s fine that a guy would be told to dump a woman like that. Especially somebody doing nothing to better themselves.

You literally say in your first sentence “he sounds like a loser”.

What is wrong with advising somebody to dump a “loser”?

No, see the post above. In your 30s I'd be advising to date someone a bit older. I don't know about 40s, someone people get divorced around then, some people are still single, possibly date older, a larger proportion of men in their 40s aren't interested in having kids if they have had them, but if you've worked in your 20s and 30s you might be happy stepping back I your career, although anything can have happened health and fertility wise by then. I've assumed OP wanted kids, maybe they don't.

Gosh, this is ridiculous. Dump the loser, and next time, don't get another loser. As simple as that. No need to talk it over with him, he won't understand - or change. He'll promise to, for sure. He may -for an entire week. Don't waste your time, just move on.