I don’t want to return to my job role post baby but stuck!

[Hellskitchen24]

Brief background: I’m NHS so have to pay back my enhanced maternity pay. Single mum. 9 month old baby. 12.5 hour shifts but my day is 14 hours start to finish with commute. Due back in a couple of weeks. I don’t mind the job but now it’s imminent, I know it’s not going to work.

I have not left my baby for longer than an hour. Breast fed. Co sleep. Multiple night wakes. Won’t take expressed milk. Already been ill for weeks from multiple nursery settling sessions. I’m relying on my poor mum to do drop off, pick up, and get her to sleep, which she’s never done.

What are my options? Normal hours nursing jobs are non existent.

Are you a single parent? Shift work only really works if you have a second set of hands. My friend managed to find a nanny with flexibility so could work shifts. She spent the first few months applying for jobs with more regular hours - care homes, school nurse, etc.

Specifically on the feeding issue - the baby won’t starve and on realising you aren’t there will probably relent and drink from a bottle. They can also drink from a cup.

Mine preferred formula over breast milk once we managed to get them on a bottle.

It took numerous attempts (and my absence), but we did succeed eventually!

I went back to work when my first was 10 months (single Mum) and she took a bottle eventually as well as eating food throughout the day. I couldn’t have done a 14 hour shift though, I think that’s unrealistic without a second set of hands (childminder/grandparent).
I think with commute I was only doing 10 hours and that was hard enough.

Oh and on the feeding - my daughter wouldn’t nurse from 9 months so we relied a lot on food. Talk to your health visitor - the advice at the time was to make porridge with baby formula and other things like that to get the vitamins in without distress but she’s 13 now so I’m sure times have changed

You can look to extend with unpaid leave.

• There is 18 weeks per child under 18.
• Use annual leave to reduce your actual working hours (perhaps ask for a reasonable adjustment of 2x shifts 2 days apart to ease in for a month)
• use your kit days
• make use of breastfeedingmpolicies in work.
• consider a nursery nearer your workplace
• consider a career break
• consider reduced hours and a side job (with permission)
• consider alternative hours. Perhaps nights and have your mum look after DC. I know dc doesn't sleep well but that will eventually change.

I'd recommend talking to your manager Asap ahout your concerns.

It's possible that they might agree to a career break if returning in your current situation is untenable. If you try the above and its just not working then you could then discuss whether they may allow you to take a career break and work a small number of hours in a different job nearer your home e.g. in a school, due to your single parent/young baby circs (although I expect its really unlikely) if you genuinely want to work towards transitioning back to your job.

Hopefully those are some practical starters. Fwiw most of us feel the same way (but don't necessarily have the same barriers of a distant workplace, shifts, single parent.

But the breastfeeding, time apart, sickness, Co sleeping are very normal and it does have a tendency to work itself out x

The advice I would give a friend is to look at your workplace policies and speak to your union about how to avoid repaying the enhanced maternity pay if you can't return.

Returning to work for a set period,.such as 3 months, might be met by using annual leave and/or sick leave/dependents leave.

Basically you may just need to be on the register under a different code to maternity.

You only have to go back for 3 months to not pay the mat pay back and you will have at least 6 weeks of holiday pay so you might be able to just hand your notice in and do 6 weeks?

It's in the second line of the OP that she is a single mum.

Where is the baby’s father in this scenario? This doesn’t all fall on you.

You may not be with the father but he should still be taking an active roll in the baby’s life and making changes so you can both work.

Oops!!

and then what? What would she live off?

You only have to pay back the extra money if you don't return at all. You can rake another 3 months mat leave to get ready, then start doing just one or 2 shifts per week. Remember you have accumulated paid annual leave while you were away and you can use this in order to be paid for more than what you are actually doing. Your baby will get used to childcare from people other than you, and will start being happy with this once it is familiar but it won't get familiar until it starts happening.

I went back to nursing when my little one was 9 months old and he was breast fed too.

I fed him before I left and then fed him when I got home (also apart for 14 hours) and I expressed a few times at work.

He went to a childminder in the day where he had his breakfast (with expressed breast milk on it) and then otherwise relied on food and drinking water from a cup. He was fine.

This was only for 3 days a week and for the other 4 days he ate and breastfed as normal.

It obviously took a while for him to settle into the routine and obviously he was put out by it at first, but I imagine that’s the same for any young infant who starts childcare, regardless of how they’re fed.

We had also co-slept and he’d been a multiple-night time waker (and only settling with feeds) prior to going back to work, but I used a sleep consultant to get that sorted before I returned to work because there’s no way I could have managed nursing shifts with that night time behaviour occurring. I think it would have killed me off.

Try not to worry OP and just see how things go. Sometimes the reality of the situation is much less than stressful than how you think it will be.

I’m relying on my poor mum to do drop off, pick up, and get her to sleep, which she’s never done.

How does your mum feel about this-it sees a lot to fall in her. Can you go back for a bit where you don't have to pay off the enhanced ex may pay and then look for another job?

Can you delay returning? Mine never took expressed milk but would take cows milk from a sippy cup from about 11 months. I still BF when with her. You need to start increasing time with your mum now - she will have to figure out how to get her to sleep, maybe using pram or car if necessary? Just do whatever works. I started cosleeping more since returning to work, just to get the most sleep. I went back when mine was 11 months, she'd never had a nap in her cot, still BF on demand, was barely eating food. It was tough but it was OK - a few months in now and she is doing really well.

I know two nurses that reduced their hours to 24 hours a week - this is condensed into 2x12 hour shifts not sure if this would be an option for you?

Could you ride out the job until you are able to leave without the cost imolications? For down the line...Have you looked in to moving away from nursing and working as a nurse or health and social care assessor? The hours would be better. I have worked in education industry where education providers or colleges take on ex-nurses or care staff and train them up on the job to be assessors.

I'm also NHS and have been on maternity leave since last year, however I moved to a different county just after baby was born due to domestic violence and have come to the decision that returning to work would not only be unsafe it would also financially cripple me, so have decided to hand in my notice and claim full UC. When I spoke to HR I was told that I would not need to repay the enhanced OMP all in one go they will accept a payment plan that I can afford until I'm in a financial position to pay back more.

I don't know what kind of nursing you do but I'm assuming with those shifts it's in a hospital setting, have you ever thought of working in the community? Many community teams work office hours so may be easier for you? Or go PT and claim UC if you are able to? I also have a breastfed baby who thinks sleep is optional lol but the way I see it is they're only this tiny for such a short space of time and I'd rather be home for a little while, I can always find a job when I am ready to and UC don't make you look for work until your child is 3.

Really would advise getting baby used to being with your mum for more than an hour, knowing you’re returning in just a fortnight with a very dependant baby I would of started this a couple months ago but you can’t go back now! xx

How old is the baby? I think that makes a big difference to your options. It’s a hard position to be in. My friend in a similar situation decided to give up work but she has a high earning husband to make it work. Can you massively drop your hours and rely on family childcare so youre not paying for that?

Sounds tough. I went back to work when DD was 6 months old. She wouldn’t take a bottle / formula so she had water at nursery and then breast fed ALL night to catch up. It was exhausting but we managed.

This is why i always roll my eyes at people insisting they don’t need to be away from their babies. If you knew you would be returning to work you should have been working on leaving your child with someone. This will actually be more unfair on your child because they’re just thrown into this new routine rather than building up to it which would have made the transition much easier!

I work for the NHS, currently doing 22 hours a week. My shifts range from 8-2, 8-4 or 12-7. I use my 30 hours childcare allowance and only pay an extra £87 ( would be cheaper if I chose for him not to have meals there but I’d probably be paying more for my food shop if I did pack ups). I work Wednesday through to Sunday, no set days but if I work a weekend it means I get nearly a full week with my child and then his Dad will be with him at weekends. Weekends means slightly enhanced pay too. I top my wages up with universal credit.
Not sure what band you are but if you find a ward clerk role or reception in A&E and ask for a flexible contract they are pretty good with what hours you request. Well, my trust have been amazing.

Realistically, just like many other mums have done before you, you just need to bite the bullet and have nursery trial days and prepare for the transition back into work. It is a well trodden path for women.

Get a job with better hours