I don’t want to return to my job role post baby but stuck!

[Hellskitchen24]

Brief background: I’m NHS so have to pay back my enhanced maternity pay. Single mum. 9 month old baby. 12.5 hour shifts but my day is 14 hours start to finish with commute. Due back in a couple of weeks. I don’t mind the job but now it’s imminent, I know it’s not going to work.

I have not left my baby for longer than an hour. Breast fed. Co sleep. Multiple night wakes. Won’t take expressed milk. Already been ill for weeks from multiple nursery settling sessions. I’m relying on my poor mum to do drop off, pick up, and get her to sleep, which she’s never done.

What are my options? Normal hours nursing jobs are non existent.

If the child is under three she can (if eligible).

OP how long do you have to return to your role for before resigning would trigger the enhanced maternity pay requirement? And if you moved to another role internally which isn’t as intense, would that still trigger it?

OP - I don’t know a single first time mum who felt confident returning to work. It feels impossible and terrifying. But you will make it work; because you have to.

I went back to work when dd was 10 months - I had also done the dreadful settling in at nursery, lots of coughs and colds, struggled to wean dd from breast to bottle.

But in the end it was okay and I loved spending time at home with dd (I managed to reduce my hours to 30 hours a week over 5 days but I had 1.5 hours of commuting per day too).

Please Do talk to your manager - lean on their support. Be pragmatic, ask for ideas and support, acknowledge your worries. It will help if work understands your situation .

And make sure you treat your mum like the goddess she is for agreeing to help put!

That’s a good idea. But in short term the OP has to return to avoid having to repay enhanced mat pay

There are office hours nursing jobs because my brothers dp has one, hospital based, alternatively gp surgeries have nurses too, much more regular hours but more days per week to get the same pay of course.

your baby will adapt fast, but keep looking for a better job

You can sort this OP. Yes your AL does count towards the payback period - so you only have 6 weeks more to sort. My understanding is that you can return part-time and still not have to pay back your enhancement. It’s the fact that you returned for three months rather than how many hours you return for. I would 100% sort that next six weeks just to make sure you don’t have to pay anything back. I would also put in a flexible work request ask for what you need, however unusual - it’s up to them to say that they can’t do it. I’m a senior NHS manager and times have to change in my opinion - yes, the service needs to run, but you sound like exactly the sort of person we need to try and retain. Mums hold the world up and we have to find innovative ways of supporting that whilst keeping in NHS running. So if you do all that the worst case is that you don’t have to pay anything back and then you resign with nothing lost. The other thing to factor into the whole equation if you do stay and manage way to do that is that you can take up to 4 weeks parental leave every year unpaid as a parent. Organisations can say no to the timing of this but they have to enable the time off allow within six months of the request. I do this every year for a couple of weeks at least so I get more time with my children. Good luck!

Oh this sounds really hard.
I agree with other posters, my little one was still barely eating solids when I went back to work (though admittedly at 12 months), but he’d eat a bit at nursery and then breastfeed before and afterwards.
Would your Mum prefer to have baby overnight by chance? IF they sleep of course, but your Mum could have them whilst you do a night shift and then you sleep whilst baby is in nursery?
And for a longer term solution, could you look at jobs that would appreciate your nursing experience but be more regular hours, governance / patient safety if you stay with the NHS, civil service or research? I imagine it all feels overwhelming right now and panicky - baby will adapt, as will you

Solidarity -going back to work is hard!
legally on paper you can be asked to payback your enhanced mat pay -but in reality not many employers actually ask for it back. If you go back to work in the NHS for 3m after mat leave then you cannot be asked to pay anything back. So you could consider going back for 3m ad seeing how it goes ?
I’m an NHS worker too. Went back when my first two boys were 12m. Both breastfeeding and bedsharing. Neither took bottles or soothers. And they didn’t need to they survived on food and water when I was gone. Other caregivers find their groove. Baby won’t expect to be breastfed by anyone else.
make sure you have your breastfeeding breaks sorted with work so you can pump. Even if baby not taking ebm-you’ll need to pump for your comfort and to prevent mastitis.
Mat leave in UK is usually 12m- consider further unpaid leave. Decreased hours. Phased return.
look for roles with shorter working day. Consider resigning /career break.
contact your union for support re employment law. eg BMA if you’re a doctor.
https://www.theboobladyibclc.com/2021/02/27/breastfeeding-and-returning-to-work-as-a-junior-doctor/

"..get your mum more involved .."

What, get her mum to do more than "drop off, pick up, and get her to sleep".

Maybe she could also sit by OP's bed each night and fan her whilst she's asleep.

She's an older woman so it's not like she'll have any sort of life of her own I expect.

3 months to NHS employment.

It's not wrong to want to be with your baby, a lot of us would like to have had more time when they're little. Could you shift to another type of work for a few years, then go back to nursing when they're older?

Normal hours nursing jobs do exist, but you might have trouble getting one as soon as you need it. But perhaps keep your eyes out for clinic work, like pre op assessment?

What was your original plan ? You’ve mentioned nursery but haven’t left her for more than an hour - what’s the reason for this ? Is it to feed her ?

Have you had any help on extending this and getting her to take a bottle ? Surely you can’t be the first the nursery has seen in a similar position - did they have any suggestions ?

Not everyone has the option of leaving their child with someone.

I am assuming you didn’t have the baby with an unknown donor so the baby has a dad? Can you ask him for help?

The OP obviously has the option of leaving the baby with her mum so irrelevant

Her baby is 9 months old, too late to be trying to start bottle feeding, bottles should be phased out from 6 months old and cups or sippy cups used instead.

Also would be a real shame for baby to stop getting breastmilk and switching to formula, it would be so much better for baby to continue with the benefits of breastmilk, even if it's reduced feeding due to the separation.

With baby going into nursery and picking up all the bugs there, it's even more so important for OP to continue to breastfeed for baby's immune system.

@Hellskitchen24 it's such a tricky situation. Are you receiving any child maintenance from baby's father? The NHS is particularly bad for returning to work after having a baby, especially when breastfeeding and needing expressing breaks. You'll really need to fight for things. It's shocking how atrocious they are. I don't know what to suggest, other than finding work elsewhere, once you've stayed long enough to not have to pay back your enhanced maternity pay.

Sounds like you're trapped for now sadly.

On a separate note if I feed in the morning and at night, would baby need milk during the day at 9 months. He is 7 months now and loves his solids but otherwise v attached to the boob!

He takes some formula in a sippy cup when dh takes him to a cafe or the zoo by himself for a couple of hours. But only 30% of the cup. He is then fed solids and is reasonably happy. Until he sees me and then he demands milk immediately .

Doesn't the baby sleep outside in a pram during the day if out and about ? The cosleeping is only during the night right?

I cosleep and breastfeed too but baby often sleeps in a carrier or in a pram.

You don't know that. Just because she would have to rely on her when she starts work it doesn't mean she has been in the position at all prior. In an ideal world yes but 9-12 months isn't a long time and a lot can happen to prevent someone looking after a baby.

School heath team often term time only which I presume would be less money. I’d spend the next few weeks having extra babysits from your mum and hopefully lo will start to take expressed milk from her if not at nursery. I would go for a try work and see option but the shifts are long.

In my experience, the feeling of dread about going back to work and not wanting to go back isn't as bad when you actually go back. You may actually even enjoy it. You need to build up to leaving your baby for longer and then start looking for jobs that better suit you. It's tough, but what's the alternative, really? I just think of all those poor women in the US facing this dilemma at 2 weeks post partum.

I have DM'd you :)