I don’t want to return to my job role post baby but stuck!

[Hellskitchen24]

Brief background: I’m NHS so have to pay back my enhanced maternity pay. Single mum. 9 month old baby. 12.5 hour shifts but my day is 14 hours start to finish with commute. Due back in a couple of weeks. I don’t mind the job but now it’s imminent, I know it’s not going to work.

I have not left my baby for longer than an hour. Breast fed. Co sleep. Multiple night wakes. Won’t take expressed milk. Already been ill for weeks from multiple nursery settling sessions. I’m relying on my poor mum to do drop off, pick up, and get her to sleep, which she’s never done.

What are my options? Normal hours nursing jobs are non existent.

• book in KIT days and holiday to delay your start
• request an hours cut ASAP
• ask HR for other jobs you could do with better hours
• get your mum more involved
• try to get baby onto a bottle (this will be easier for your mum than you)
• start expressing so you have a stock
• prepare “plan B” for if you end up finding it untenable. It’s better to use up holiday then go on sick pay than just quit. Look at other local jobs too

It’s hard and horrible. You have my sympathies. Mine never took my lovingly expressed milk at nursery so breastfed all night long (still does at almost 2…). Sleep at nursery was fine.

Be kind to yourself 💐

But grown ups get a job lined up prior to resigning.

Adverts for the health visitor and school nurse training posts for September are starting to come online, could that be an option? Or look into research roles, outpatient clinics, safeguarding, practice educator roles. Might not be your preferred career path but needs must sometimes.

I feel for you. Going back to work after a baby is hard in any circumstances. Can you go back gradually? I had accumulated annual leave which I could use to take two days holiday per week for a good couple of months.
Would your mum sleep over at yours on the days she has to do bedtimes and drop offs? It would save an additional journey and time.

Talk to colleagues, your line manager or HR and see what your options are. Others will
have been through this.

It's a lot easier when they are a year old if you can somehow manage an extra few months leave. Have you used all your unpaid maternity leave?
Speak to your manager about doing a different shift for a period? I know this isn't possible everywhere.

As others have said try cows milk , my ds would never take a bottle of ebm or formula I was getting panicked when the deadline of nursery was coming up. It was nursery who suggested cows milk as they said even though it was early based on guidelines it was better than the alternative.He happily started drinking cows milk from a sippy cup

I feel for you! I'm in a similar position (though not a single mum so husband sorts the kids in the morning) I've just gone back and my baby is BF won't really take bottles, ill since his settling in sessions and only sleeps for me 🫠 it's soo hard with the job freezes atm.
could you use the breastfeeding policy as they should be able to offer you shorter days (won't work long term but could do for now) and use it as a breastfeeding reason I think they should support it, especially if you speak to HR if they refuse.
good luck to you!

I'm in the NHS and my baby has just turned 1 and I haven't returned yet. I've had 12 months maternity and now on my annual leave. Weaning her onto cows milk now and she's took that well from breastmilk and we're both nuch more ready for me to return to work now, it wouldn't have happened at 9 months old. No way would I have time to express on shift!

I'd seriously consider community nurse posts. These tend to be 8 HR shifts unless you request long days. Long days are not compulsory like they are in secondary care

I know you will be contracted to pay back EMP if you don’t return but in practice you might be able to come to some arrangement with them. Particularly if you plan to return but at later date.

Can you do other types of nursing? What about the private sector? Does bank work for better hours? Neighbour of mine is a midwife, she works a couple shifts direct for NHS and the rest bank, pays better but don't know if the hours are the same on bank.

It's hard, I know, but we've all been there. It seems like you cannot leave them but honestly they will be fine. They will eat and drink and sleep without you. It's a long shift so go back to work and then while you're there start looking at options to change your shift or move into a different setting - as a pp has said perhaps care home or school nurser.

The advantage of long shifts is you only do it 3 times a week. So that's 4 days with your baby which is more than mums working 5 days a week, 9-5 plus commute.

I had to go back to work at 6 months (didn't live in the UK, so had only 6 months mat leave). It felt impossible but I did it. Also breastfed, also woke every 2 hours.

It was shit. Truly the worst time of my life. I was a happy healthy mum before that. It sent me into depression, put on loads of weight, awful. But once baby got to 14-15 months we were in more of a groove, he slept better, and it meant my career was intact.

We have to work to provide for our children, it's not optional.

With the Kindest will in the world, why have you left it til a couple of weeks before you return when there are lots of things that need sorting.

Its hard going back to work after a baby, no matter what age the child is when you return. Whatever you do/dont do you will feel guilty.

Speak to your manager ASAP to go over things and see if there is flexibility with the role/hours/a possible change. But also start putting things in place that you need to implement. Clearly baby will need bottles (assume they are having meals too)

It seems insurmountable but make a list of the things you need to do dont bury your head in the sand, surely these things have not just occured you had a plan to go back to work and what that would entail?

Of course you could look for other jobs as well, but in the meantime it sounds inevitable you have to go back.

Where is dad to help or is he not around?

Community nurse, research nurse which is usually 9 to 5, baby clinic which is day set hours, GP surgery nurse.

Start looking. But don’t quit your job until you have another one. You can muddle through.

I wasnt aware that you could hand in your notice and then claim UC. Literally advised my friend differently this morning 🤦‍♀️
Or was it because of the DV situation?

How long do you have to return for to avoid paying it back?
If it’s a short space of time and you can rely on your Mum for that time I would go back whilst you look at other options ie shorter shifts, a childminder instead of a nursery etc
My youngest refused to take a bottle, we tried everything and he just wouldn’t even when I wasn’t there. His child minder used to give him liquids ( water and expressed milk) in a tiny beaker and then made sure he had food like porridge, yoghurts etc He would have a BF just before I dropped him off and I would feed him again when I picked him up.
I fed him until he was 2 so he just learnt to drop his day time feeds when I wasn’t there.
Its always a wrench thinking of returning, your shift is long so I would try and speak to your manager/hr about doing an 8 hour shift instead.

Agree with this advice.
Don't forget, your workplace need to provide somewhere for you to express if you need it.

You already know it’s not going to work. You can’t leave your baby for 12 - 14 hours a day. Either reduce your hours drastically or resign and claim UC until you can find something else that is more suitable. It’s a short term solution and it’s OK to put your baby first for a little while.

With a couple of weeks to go, you have two choices.

1. Unpaid leave/burn up as much holidays as you can but don't recommend it given how unwell babies get at nursery [at least you are heading out of the winter bugs]

2. Make it work - This is doable but it's going to be tough, mostly on you. Your child is 9 months old, [not a 6 weeker like poor American children where there is zero mat leave] and will adjust very quickly when you are not there. Two weeks is long enough to shift most of their breastfeeding sessions to bedtime and first thing in the morning before handing him/her over to your mum to give breakfast and do drop off or just drop off for breakfast there. Most of their nutrition should be moving to solid foods now and can be supplemented by a bottle/cup of milk pre afternoon nap and plenty of dairy in their diet if they continue to refuse a bottle.

Multiple settling in sessions of no more than an hour is simply not enough.

Week 1 - Establish if the nursery can take her more or less full-time immediately. Take her in for a late start for the first week so she feeds and has breakfast at home then hand her over. Come back for her when your mum would, breastfeed then.
Week 2 - move to the timetable and routine you will need to follow when back at work. Get home, hopefully your mum will have given an evening meal and you can BF or wean and move to bottles entirely.

I have been there with a bottle refuser. It is doable. My personal opinion is that it is easier for the child to wean off the breast as soon as possible and will be less stressful for you. Nurseries will be used to this too.

On the upside, if you do long shifts you must work less than 5 days a week or is that not the case?

What is the financial situation? Can you afford to repay the enhanced? Can you afford to drop your hours, would that make things managable?

A nine month old is a great age to adapt to a new routine. I had the same wobbles before returning to work (45 hours full time, long days at childminder etc). They adapt very fast. You mum has presumably managed to raise you, so will be able to settle your little one too.

Unemployment as a single mum is surely a risky and undesirable outcome?

Can you not have another three months maternity leave?

I didn’t think I could as I’m technically already back on annual leave. Yes I’ve made a colossal mistake.

You could potentially ask for a career break, it wouldn’t be paid but it would give you some extra time to make a plan