I don’t want to return to my job role post baby but stuck!

[Hellskitchen24]

Brief background: I’m NHS so have to pay back my enhanced maternity pay. Single mum. 9 month old baby. 12.5 hour shifts but my day is 14 hours start to finish with commute. Due back in a couple of weeks. I don’t mind the job but now it’s imminent, I know it’s not going to work.

I have not left my baby for longer than an hour. Breast fed. Co sleep. Multiple night wakes. Won’t take expressed milk. Already been ill for weeks from multiple nursery settling sessions. I’m relying on my poor mum to do drop off, pick up, and get her to sleep, which she’s never done.

What are my options? Normal hours nursing jobs are non existent.

Could you reduce your hours to bare minimum? E.g. 1 x 12.5 hour shift? My youngest at 9 months wouldn't take a bottle but managed 14 hours without BF - he just then fed all night so 1 shift might be doable!!
Could you request parental leave? Different shift pattern to support e.g. earlies/lates?
I'll probably get flamed for saying this (but people do it!), go off sick for a few months and hand your notice in? You wouldn't need to pay your mat leave back then.

This is such an exaggeration. I live in the US and I don’t know any woman who went back to work 2 weeks PP. The legal minimum time off that an employer has to offer is 12 weeks in the first 12 months, with many employers offering much more. My company offers 22 weeks at full pay, only 4 weeks less than the London office get. We also have an unlimited annual leave model so you can easily bump the 22 weeks up to 26 or however many you need, instead of relying on ‘accrued’ annual leave. Times have moved on, even in the US.

You might get flamed, but yours is the only suggestion that makes sense for what OP actually wants/needs. Sick leave on the NHS is very generous I believe? OP should get a PPD diagnosis and go from there.

Your other suggestion of cutting hours right down to 1 shift could also work, as long as OP is entitled to welfare benefits to make up the shortfall?

Yes, your annual leave counts towards this time. How much annual leave have you taken?

I would ask for a cut in hours asap and try to do the 3 days, if it’s too much then start looking for jobs elsewhere. If it’s really not possible to cope until you find another job then go off sick and if you have to go back ask for a phased return for a while. There’s a big difference between a 9 month old and a 1 year old though, soon it will get a lot easier with food and sleep.

I think you should try and stall going back for a few months somehow? Unpaid parental leave might be an option or if all else fails sick leave?

It will be much easier when the baby is slightly older and the bottle won't be an issue.

Typical NHS, faking sickness to get more time off on top of generous maternity pay. No wonder people get frustrated with it.

If it’s available, people will use it. And who gets to say what is real and what is fake? Why is anxiety over leaving a baby considered fake sickness when anxiety for virtually any other reason is classed as a mental health issue that you can get signed off for?

I am not saying I agree with any of this btw, but we have to apply the rules consistently. Either we believe anxiety is debilitating and stops one from being able to go to work and do their job, or we don’t believe it’s debilitating and it can’t be used to get sick leave.

One is poor planning, the other is a medical condition.

It would be grossly unfair for OP to abuse sick leave to get out of paying back the enhanced maternity pay. This would be tax payers money wated due to terrible planning and preparation from OP. It would be morally wrong of OP to do this

Is it worth looking at other jobs in the trust? Are you a registered HCP? Could you work for an agency to help with flexibility? Does your trust do bank shifts/NHS P?

If you don't go back then you should pay it back. Why get it then take the piss out of a generous employer. If the baby is 9 months then there's been at least 17 months for you to figure out childcare etc

Exactly @Thechaseison71, why should taxpayers have to pay for OPs poor planning.

It is morally wrong that society expect single parent healthcare workers to be away from young infants for 14 hours per day. It is morally wrong that society has created these working conditions despite the fact that young babies are emotionally regulated by their mother's presence - plenty of neuroscience out there to validate this. It is morally wrong that mothers are forced to rely on sick leave as their workplace offers ZERO flexibility in shifts or hours. Healthcare workers work in impossible conditions and the vicarious trauma is real. OP - go back, take sick leave and look for alternative employment.

This neo-liberal mindset infuriates me. Raising children takes a village and it starts with Govts and employers recognising that women are not machines, that they can't always commit to working in the same way they did before they, you know, grew and reared a human! It is completely unfair to place all responsibility on the OP. Why have we normalised separating young babies from their mothers for 12 hour days? Why can't the employer facilitate shorter, more family friendly shifts? Why are you blindly defending an employer who won't provide flexible working conditions. If OP is a nurse, she has gone above and beyond her entire career, and is now expected to continue as though she doesn't have kids. Scandinavian employers can do it, why do so many mumsnet users accept so much less from British employers? We have normalised crappy working conditions, long separation from little kids, not good for mums, kids or wider society.

You have a warped sense of morality.

Many many people don't get given extra maternity pay though and still have to sort childcare etc.

I said nothing about shift length did I? That's a different subject. I don't think nurses should be doing 12 hours shifts whether or not they have kids

But if you take the extra money on ML they you keep your end of the bargain or pay it back. But you are arguing a totally different point

You are entitled to ask for flexible working and phased return. You are entitled to a year - you could try and get that to work. It’s very hard being a single mum so they should accommodate for you

Just to answer your question - I can’t quote tweet, you can use your accrued annual leave now or using it to drop your hours and still get paid. I went back at 9 months and used my accrued annual leave (about 60 days including holiday and annual leave) to take off two days a week. You could do that?

This sounds so tough. And so many corageous women out there soldering on. I made it clear to dh that if he wanted children I wanted to be a sahm until they started school. He was raised by a sahm (I wasn't which was partly why I absolutely wanted this) so he was OK with it. Not a fancy salary but we were OK.

Where is the dad and does he pay cms/anything? It's just so bloody unfair- it takes two to make a baby and I just hate men who bail out.

Could you apply to do a community qualification such as DN or HV?, that's what I did when I realised that I would be a single parent with no support, applied for course when dc was 4 mths, started course when dc was 9 mths, hard but doable, probably a Sept start, so you could look at AL, reduced hrs, maybe some sick leave until then. If you are still NHS, you won't be paying back any ML.

9 months old baby - single mum
That’s the elephant in the room

It doesn't sound like you are ready to go back. Could you have an honest conversation with HR and see where you stand? There is a lot of good advice in other posts here. Main thing is, look after your needs and your mental health. It's difficult to get off the hamster wheel when you get back on it.

“Go on sick pay” - why? She’s not sick! You know that’s our taxes funding her “sick” pay.

Most mums don’t want to return after mat leave but have little choice but to suck it up and get on with it. Many also find that once you’re back in the groove and doing it, leaving baby and going to work is not nearly as awful as they thought it would be.

Absolutely @HisNotHes, I had to go back when both my babies were 20weeks old as mar leave was not as generous when I had mine.
I managed to sort my childcare and compressed hours out in that short amount of time.
sounds like OP has spent the last 9 months with her head in the clouds.

If the issue is that you cant go back and you also cant pay back the enhanced pay then your only option is to go to your GP and get signed off for the stress its causing you. After the period has passed that you dont need to pay back the money or you get to a stage you feel your mum could reasonably help, then you can go back or hand in your notice and find something that works.