What should I say to my 19 year old daughter who has already decided that she hates men?

[JMSA]

I don’t know, I guess it just saddens me that she holds this negative view of the world already. I received this text from her tonight:

I feel so enraged by the Epstein files. It is like documented proof men are evil. This is what men will do when they have power and think they will get away with it because that’s their nature. The poor woman and kids, it’s sick.

I’m fed up of saying ‘it’s not all men’.
She really hasn’t known many nice teenage boys. I daresay social media has heavily coloured her view too. I don’t want to dismiss her feelings but don’t want to encourage the notion that all men are evil!

My DD is 24 and feels like this too.
Many of her friends do. It saddens me that in her case she's never come across one male in her life that hasn't been a total letdown, liar or misogynistic person.
I'm talking about family members, 3 boyfriends and colleagues.
I never had this thought about men until my 40's.

I don't think for me I was naive or somehow not personally affected by negativity. I had an absent father, crappy relationships.
Yet I didn't give up my optimism.

Sadly when my daughter says these things like yours I'm struggling not to agree with her but just listen.

Yes, I don’t blame you for being happy about that!
My daughter is straight, but I am glad she has high expectations of men. She would much rather be single than with the wrong man. As a happily single ‘single mum’, I have at least taught her that!

No it isn’t.

It drove me nuts when my mother used to say this - not least because my father was one of the bad ones and we both knew it!

I never understood why she felt like she had to defend men to me like they were some unfairly maligned put upon minority, and I had to be kind and give them a chance.

I suspect she was worried I’d become some hairy shouty feminist and no man would want me and she’d get no grandbabies...

It's psychopaths, not men, but no doubt the gatekeepers will be along in a minute to tell me I shouldn't use that term

💯

A decent dad who is hardworking and loving. But who cheated on me and caused the breakdown of our family.

Let her have her feelings. She’s right to be disgusted and outraged.

What? Yes let’s tell her about white women who are abused and groomed by white men to murder children and liken that to Islamophobia.

eh?

I think it would be worth really delving into why you think you “should” say that OP, when statistically speaking men do present the single biggest danger to your daughter’s life. Should she not be wary/disengaged/angry etc as a result?

My biggest dream is that my 3 daughters live happy and fulfilled lives. I could not give one shit about grandchildren. In fact, I hope I don’t get too many!! I am looking forward to getting my life back.

It’s men, not psychopaths. Just men.

I’d say, “You’re absolutely right. I’m really proud of the woman you’ve become.”

It may surprise you to know that this is what I sent back in response. So I do try to be supportive!

Discuss the Rochdale child sex abuse ring and ask her what her view is on all Pakistani men as a result?

Many of my friends have daughters in their 30s who are choosing to be single because they have set a reasonable bar and the men they date don't live up to it. My own daughter feels the same - having just come out of a 4 year relationship with a guy who decided to date someone else behind her back she has said 'honestly mum, i'm just happiest when i'm single'
I'm proud of her for not settling

She’s right to be appalled at Epstein and just how many men were complicit. It wasn’t a small amount. Like the gisele pelicot case where AT LEAST 50 local men saw fit to rapean unconscious woman.

Sadly i think a lot of men are pretty rubbish. There are some good ones…

I would probably answer her with, fortunately, most men are just normal and do not have power. Those that do and act like Epstein and his cronies are thankfully few and far between.

I’d keep on topic and in this case you can agree with her to a degree, so just focus your reply on the men she’s mentioning. She’ll realise herself in time that it’s not all men.

You don’t need to say anything. She would most likely ignore what you say anyway. Who on earth listens to their parents when you’re 19 or any age.

Some of us were jaded much earlier. I was fully jaded by 11 after my dad abandoned the family, a teacher sexually abused me at 8, a man asked me 'how much?' while walking home from school in my uniform and then I was sex trafficked by a friend's older brother. I'm more than jaded now after finally escaping with no help from the hundreds of men who raped me. She's right to have a healthy wariness around men, because not all men, but as they commit the vast majority of crimes including raped, murder and pedophillia, and we can't tell which ones are and which ones arent, she needs to have her guard up. You should be pleased she's smart.

They’re also men, so what’s your point?

She’s not wrong though is she?

She isn’t wrong though, is she, so it would be really difficult to argue that she shouldn’t hold that view. Most women realise at some point that men - as a class - don’t respect or value women as they do themselves and each other, that they don’t regard us as equals or even as full human beings, and that they pose a danger to our safety. Good on her for catching on so young.

I have a pretty low opinion of men as a class. That’s not the same as ‘hating all men’, and neither is what your daughter has said.