Anyone else feeling like a prostitute in their marriage?

[Londonisthebestcityintheworld]

18 years married. Plenty of ups and downs. Husband is emotionally avoidant.

In my childhood if I cried I was always told to "stop or I'll give you something to cry about". So I guess that's why I married someone who is emotionless.

He is a nice person, he makes me laugh, keeps in shape, stable job. No drugs or alcohol issues, good father. I also have lots of friends and a good job.

But I'm so lonely.

I mainly stay in the marriage for financial security. I've told him before I feel like a prostitute during sex (I'm either being used for his pleasure or giving him pleasure, their is no emotion in sex, we never make eye contact, he never tells me he loves me).

I'm a therapist when he wants to talk.

I'm hired help for the family - cooking, cleaning, shuffling people around. If my dinner isn't tasty they will laugh at me and why can't I take a joke. He also cooks, and he's good at it too.

If I'm stressed at work I should just quit.

Life has somehow become about keeping everyone happy and not disturbing the peace.

My emotions are inconvenient. I've done it for 18 years (my whole life really) but I feel like I'm having a breakdown now.

It's like everything is pouring out.

All came to a head this weekend when I burst into tears in public. He ignored me (others offered comfort). He just pretended it didn't happen during and after. I tried to initiate a repair conversation where he made me feel shame for where I broke down.

I'm not outwardly emotional. So I can't make the excuse that he's drained by doing this for me constantly.

And when I write it all down it just sounds so horrid.

For a long time I didn't think he knew how to give support to others but I've seen him do it before. So I understand now it's just me. And I can't seem to unsee it.

And I can't stop thinking about all the times he wasn't there - in the most vulnerable parts of my life he's always stepped away and made me feel too much (Post partum depression, my father's death)

Is this just marriage? I don't even know anymore... So many of my friends say this is it. My parents had a terrible marriage. All I know is I feel so alone. Like I'm suddenly unpacking nearly 50 years of tears

No this sounds awful, that’s not what marriage is supposed to be like even if your friends are in shit marriages too that doesn’t make it okay or mean you have to put up with it too.

Leave him.

Imagine looking back at your life in 40 years and thinking "if only I hadn't stayed with that abusive man, my life would have been so different"

Don't be that woman.

I’ve only been married for three years but DH is my biggest supporter/best friend.

I feel that’s the minimum in a marriage really. Being each others cheerleader/emotional rock/team mate.

It’s not too late to leave. You don’t want to waste another 18 years with this man.

It sounds like he has some good qualities which is why you’ve stayed so far, but he’s emotionally disconnected from you and the pain of that is now too much to bear.

So divorce him then. Theres an awful lot of self pity in your post, which is understandable but you need to realise that you have a choice in this. You only have one life. You’re miserable, he sounds emotionally inept but not abusive. You have an income, you’re not trapped. He’s not going to change all of a sudden so do something about it yourself.

He came into your life at a time when you needed his coldness, it sounds really tough, now that you see things clearly it is time to take care of yourself.

No it's not just marriage. It's your marriage and it's very sad that you have spent 18 years with someone who makes you feel this way. It sounds like you didn't have a good example of a happy marriage between your parents which is perhaps why you've settled for the lack of loving care and intimacy in your own marriage.

I've been married to DH for 35 years and of course there have been ups and downs as in any long marriage but I have never felt like I'm just a slave or a prostitute. A good marriage should be a team, you support each other and care for each other when times are tough. Your description of your husband's behaviour when you broke down recently is particularly poignant - if his partner is distressed, his first reaction should be concern and giving comfort. The fact that he didn't immediately want to know what was the matter and how he can help is awful. You deserve to have a partner who shows he cares for you.

Have you considered having some counselling? It might help you get things clearer in your mind and consider what you want going forward?

This is something I hadn't considered.

He is, I'm fact, a lot like my dad was... Very stable, very cold, very self centred.

To all the other commenters... I wasn't always like this. In previous relationships I did show emotions and sex was more loving and intimate but those partners said my feelings were too much and eventually cheated on me.

So I guess by the time I met my husband I had that in my mind too.

We only have our previous relationships and parents to build models from.

I appreciate all the comments. And I'm glad I finally said it all out loud.

If you say to him - I need a hug please - will he do that? If he won’t what are his reasonings?
I would suggest rather than LTB try some other things first
Reduce the cooking? Ask to speak to him in a few day (like an appointment) and say you would like to talk to him about reducing the days you cook.
Also give advanced notices that the shuffling ppl around will also not be happing in 3 weeks on x and y days.
He will have emotions. He may not know how to express them so they do appear outwardly. But he is a human and will have them.
Start doing 1-2 enjoyable things for yourself a day. For me they include buying myself some flowers, going for a walk, finding a new book to read on the kindle, asking a friend to catch up, some really nice iced coffee. These things are only for you. Sorting a cupboard or anything to do with housework - no matter how much easier it makes life - are not in this category of 'just for me'

His behavior description when you needed him eg post partum depression makes me wonder if he has no idea what to do. Why is difficult to know. It could be feelings of uselessness or worry about getting it wrong. Hopefully he does care.
Id be wanting to seek some outside help - even if he won’t agree to come too. It sounds like the emotional communication is really struggling and you have rightly had enough of this. Personally when I have had difficulties in my married life I found concentrating on myself and finding things to enhance my life and make it happier really helped a lot. It’s ok to go away for a weekend alone or w girlfriends and have some fun.

Did the husband go to boarding school?
Mine did & all you’ve said above is ringing a load of bells at me.

We only have our previous relationships and parents to build models from.

Have you done actual therapy for yourself on this subject , with a trained therapist, @Londonisthebestcityintheworld ?

if not I would advise doing it.

This is all very wise. Thank you for taking the time to write so much.

I have spent 18 years asking. I'm so tired.

He's not a bad person. But, I have come to accept - he doesn't seem me as a person the way he sees others.

Its suddenly hit me that I've spent 18 years trying to know a person who's spent the same 18 years not trying to know me. Outside of the early stage dating I mean. He could plan the perfect date for me - so he knows my likes, dislikes and interests. But, I don't think he could tell you what I fear most or wish for or even what my favourite food is. Superficial depth maybe.

He's an excellent provider and loves his family deeply. I think he's good in his career simply because he is very good at not being emotional.

Not making excuses for him, more just sad for myself. I married him knowing this is who he was. I suppose I'm more angry with myself than him

I have had very similar experiences with men, sadly. I now have been single for half a decade because I have never felt I get anything near what I give in relationships and they are always eyeing up other options, meaning relying on them puts you in a precarious position. Men seem to want a cook, cleaner, therapist, childminder, event planner, weekend organiser, equal earner, co-driver, DIY supporter, tax planner, sex robot and mother all in one. All they do is shag, eat and shit and take out the bins. If you are lucky you get the silent treatment less than once a month. No thanks!

He had/has very emotionally absent parents. It's this strange gathering where everyone hugs each other when they meet but every conversation is superficial - what they do (work, hobbies, travel) versus what they think/people (never talk about conflict at work, difficulties with life, fears etc).

I did after my dad passed. We did it once together as a couple.

I think he loves me in his own way. It just doesn't feel like love to me.

I know exactly how you feel and I’m the same. You’re clearly more tolerant than I am though because I’ve found myself falling into an EA with the man I should have always been with but I was too stupid to see it at the time…

OP, now that you realise all of this, can you put your energy into making plans to not be his thankless skivvy?
Divorce will give you half and you deserve it.
Don't allow him to take your health.
You owe him nothing.

It's just so hard.

I've inadvertently ended up in my parents marriage.

The thing is, I really like my husband. And I think that's what makes it harder. At the same time he's emotionally bankrupt he will show up when asked. I am just exhausted with the asking.

When we were younger I guess I just pushed my emotions down.

When his dad's father died we met up with him. He didn't hug his dad as he cried. It is the family way I guess. I guess I thought it was a man thing.

The thing is - I have seen him comfort other women when they cried - his sister, a family friend. I think that's what hurts the most -- I have made a lot of excuses for him and tried to understand his childhood, etc. This event just shattered all that.

I think sometimes that he may want out too..but he wants me to do the leaving.

I would suggest you make sure you do one thing every day that is purely for your enjoyment - it might be going to the gym, using a face mask, having a chocolate bar, going out to an event, whatever. However it is purely for you and not other people.

As you realise, you haven't have great examples of relationships to follow and have had it drilled in to you that somehow you are 'too much'. I think you would probably get a lot out of therapy again.

It might give you the confidence to leave the marriage, it might help you renegotiate the marriage to suit your needs again but at the moment the outcome doesn't matter. What is urgent is that you are able to confidently be you and find out exactly who that person is.

If you’re not happy then leave.

He doesn’t need to be a bad person for you to want something more/different.

You’ve simply just grown apart.

I am always amazed how people can be married 10+ years because I know I am a completely different person than I was 10 years ago and there are a lot of people I was close to 10+ years ago who I have absolutely nothing in common with now.
Neither of us are wrong/right, we’re just different.

I have an avoidant attachment style and it’s not as simple as being able to switch it off.
But I do wonder if he’s more autistic than avoidant.

Regardless, you’re not compatible and I personally wouldn’t waste any more of my life feeling like this.

I know not all autists are the same but most autistic people have high empathy. They are more likely to interrogate to get to know you in detail than completely pretend you don't exist.

I think he is just shallow, as most men are, because they don't see their partner as a full person. Their interests take too long to understand because they are not the same and they are too lazy to put in the effort.

This is it.

He puts a lot of energy into the things that interest him.

I'm just not one of those things.

I'd leave for a weekend if you can. Quietly and only send him a msg when you're all checked in saying you need a break and time to think things over. How he is and how he reacts will tell you what you need to know.
If you're unable to do that, tell him you're thinking of doing it. It may lead to a conversation. Thats what I had to do to make my dh realise how serious I was about continuing or walking away. Take care op xxx

I don't feel like this at all and it isn't normal. It sounds very much like the marriage is dead and needs to end for the sake of your sanity.

We've been to couples counseling before.

It's always me making the bid for connection or initiating the repair.

He didn't comfort me when I was crying and when I told him that upset me, it somehow became my fault.

Its been a horrible eye opener. I feel devastated tbh.

Everyone telling me to leave... I know that's what I have to do.

It's just hard. I always hoped we'd figure it out.