Husband didn’t celebrate my ‘win’

[Thatpunkjumper]

Working on a high level project for many months was waiting to find out if it had been funded and approved - it was a long shot but hard work put in by the team I led and it got approved on Friday and today we found out we had additional funding allocated based on the strength of out proposal. I worked so hard on this and this win was beyond my wildest dreams professionally- I had numerous msg from family and friends wishing me well and asking how I’d got on nothing from husband and when I came home and told him and said excitedly to the kids hopefully this will mean more money for mummy which I can spend on you he said it won’t be as much as xxx’s dad makes (nb I’m on 60k a year xxs’s is on 200 k plus so I know I’m small fry but for me I’m over what I thought I’d be earning) I felt diminished I know I’m not that high level but for me I’m doing better than I ever expected thus is a big win and was so non interested (fine it’s my work probably boring to every one else) but for the time effort I would have celebrated him

Yeah he’s making sure you don’t get too big for your boots OP. You already out-earn him (I’m betting despite maternity leaves etc.?) and he’s feeling rightfully inadequate. Don’t let him dull your shine.

Threatened by your success. I'll never forget getting a huge promotion and pay rise in work, meaning a real benefit not just to me but to the family. It put me in a similar earning bracket to my exH and his response was 'I can never keep up with you, everything you touch turns to gold and everything I touch turns to shit'.

Suddenly my happiness and celebration turned into me reassuring him that he was fantastic. :(

what an arsehole. Imagine saying something like that to the kids, what a prick.

Congratulations OP.

It is so sad this person has tried to put you down. You are far far better than him. Not only are you a Winner but also a beautiful person inwardly. This would be the finish of the relationship for me with no more discussion. He has shown you who he really is: Believe him, leave and be a really good example to your children who will learn real values in a relationship.

I didn't say reassure.

I said they ought to both behave like grown ups who are married and have children. Yes, he was wrong but unless he's like this all of the time it's not a divorce issue.

Marriage is hard work at times. You don't give up at the first argument or 'bad behaviour' when you've not even expressed how you feel.

Honestly, the comments here beggar belief at times.

He was in the wrong but she's in the wrong too.

She can't even tell him how he's hurt her.

This was exactly my first thought

@Thatpunkjumper he goes there… you go all in.

id be looking for an opportunity to remind him he earns less than you tbh.

fuck him.

Well, now YOU need to be telling HIM he needs to step and earn more

and if you were planning anything for Valentine’s Day… shelve it. Take your kids out or something

he’s belittling you in front of them.

Looks like it.

Well done OP. I don't know you but I'm so pleased for you that your hard work was recognised and paid off.

He's an absolute arsehole.

Because everyone has behaved badly at some point in their lives. Green eyed monster etc. It doesn't mean it's not repairable. It is possible it was a gut reaction in the moment, a shitty one yes, but one he's not proud of and just might apologise for and do better next time.

What's important now is how he behaves if she calls him out on it in a rational and calm way. Points out that he is role modelling this behaviour to his daughter, and his son and making her feel like she's been punched in the gut.

If his response is to dig in, or this is symptomatic of a wider issue [which only the OP will know] then sadly as per the experience of many on this thread the outcome is unlikely to be positive long term.

But she does need to put on the big girl pants and call him out on it.

Many congratulations OP on a fantastic job !

Yes, he’s a jealous little man. So sorry that was his reaction. Congratulations and very well done - all your hard work has paid off more than you ever expected and I hope others at work are all excited and providing the atmosphere you deserved at home!

I think since OP said he’s “always telling her she should earn more” that it is a wider problem of him putting her down and not a momentary passing feeling he didn’t manage to cover up, tbh.

he's a twat. Ask him why HE isn't earning more, not xxx’s dad (why the fuck does it matter what a random dad makes?)

He’s intimidated. Continue to win and crush his pathetic little ego.

don’t be surprised if he starts acting up now.

What a mean-spirited thing to for him to say, and a good example of how NOT to treat someone for your children. I'd have come back by saying I bet xxx's Dad's family are supportive of him and don't compare him to others!

Congratulations on your huge achievement!! You’re obviously really good at your job.
Your husband is being pathetic and is most likely jealous of your success which begs the question…. If he truly loved you would he just be very proud and not resentful?? You have some thinking to do.
Don’t let him drag you down - do something fab with your kids to celebrate!

He's quite simply not happy that you are the one that earns more, not him.

He's jealous of your success.

I find it really interesting reading everyone’s responses.

this was very much how my parents treated any success of mine. It was diminished (but jokingly, so that if I got upset I was told that I took myself too seriously and that only humourless people can’t laugh at themselves.)

the aim was to always take me down a peg or too ( and to shut down any challenge to this). I stopped telling them of my successes except the ones I really couldn’t avoid. I guess they preferred this.

It’s eye opening to see the wide spread commendation of this, albeit with a spouse.

Oh what a shitbag he is. He’s so jealous of you that in his rush to trample on you, he also put himself down even more. Urgh how can you even look at him knowing he is so pathetic.
massive well done to you op.
I would be deeply angry as well that he did this in front of your kids.

Wow he’s a knob

He's jealous. Jealous that you're doing so well (well done btw!!) and also jealous that you're earning more than him.
What an absolute arsehole.
I'd be disgusted if my husband reacted that way. How crushing for you.

Are you sure he likes you?

Well done on your bid @Thatpunkjumper

Really sorry that your DH is being a dick about this and he's not recognizing your achievement.

Is he always like this. Does he consistently belittle people when they've achieved something brilliant. Is he a mood hoover?

Look into BPD. He's made a choice to not make you feel seen.

He may be feeling insecure and unsure how to express that. Its coming out sideways. Maybe he needs reassurance as when you said mummy has more money, perhaps he has ideals of where the man is the breadwinner?