Husband didn’t celebrate my ‘win’

[Thatpunkjumper]

Working on a high level project for many months was waiting to find out if it had been funded and approved - it was a long shot but hard work put in by the team I led and it got approved on Friday and today we found out we had additional funding allocated based on the strength of out proposal. I worked so hard on this and this win was beyond my wildest dreams professionally- I had numerous msg from family and friends wishing me well and asking how I’d got on nothing from husband and when I came home and told him and said excitedly to the kids hopefully this will mean more money for mummy which I can spend on you he said it won’t be as much as xxx’s dad makes (nb I’m on 60k a year xxs’s is on 200 k plus so I know I’m small fry but for me I’m over what I thought I’d be earning) I felt diminished I know I’m not that high level but for me I’m doing better than I ever expected thus is a big win and was so non interested (fine it’s my work probably boring to every one else) but for the time effort I would have celebrated him

He’s jealous and insecure, he’s not your champion. I bet he’s mean in other ways.

I’ve been married to one of these.

Congratulations OP. My ex DP would do this sort of thing. You just expect your friends/ loved ones to have a generosity of spirit and to share your wins. It's a jolt and shock when the one closest to you demonstrates such a meanness. I decided I couldn't live with that incongruity in the end.

I’m so sorry, OP. Some observations (not read all the comments):

it’s not just that he wants to cut you as an individual down to size (that’s bad enough!), he’s also comparing you to a random guy who earns more than he does. This tells me that he’s also misogynistic. He’s trying to put you in your place, yes, as a human being, because he feels inferior, but also as a woman.

And to say it in front of your children too? Nope. Unforgivable, IMO, especially if there are already other issues. Your partner should be your biggest champion. You should be able to rely on him when you need to celebrate. The fact you can’t? Yeah, I’d be done. What he is modelling for your kids is disgusting.

Massive congratulations on your win. Your hard work has paid off.

With nothing to be smug about!

Congrats on your win! That's awesome.

Speak up to your husband. E.g. "I'm so disappointed at the way you've behaved, especially in front of our kids. Would you like to explain why you're unable to congratulate and celebrate me like the rest of my family have done?"

And then leave a nice big silence for him to talk. Don't say anything in response to his initial protestations/defences. If he can't come up with anything substantial to say (like, I'm so sorry, I was a knob) after a while, then say, "I'll let you think about it. Let me know when you've had a chance to reflect."

Carry on as normal and don't be sad in front of your kids. Celebrate yourself and refer to your win often over the next few days. Buy yourself a cake and throw a little party. Seriously. If your husband can't get over himself, apologise, and join in the fun, then you are going to have to consider whether this is something you're willing to put up with forever.

Who is xxx

Congratulations !
Id plan a dinner out tonight or tomorrow (with the kids ) to make up for him ruining your weekend . If you’re out before he gets home have your phone on silent so he can’t ruin it .
Or if he asks why he’s not invited tell
him why, that he ruined it for you and the kids and you won’t have him trying to bring you down again.

He had a way of picking at you to earn more and now what ? He knows if you felt like it you could turn it around on him . He clearly likes to have the upper hand.

Is this his only horrible trait to is there more going on ?

Congratulations @Thatpunkjumper! Have you properly celebrated yet? Good news MUST be celebrated, so if you haven’t celebrated yet I think you should make an effort to celebrate this evening with the kids. Buy yourself a mini bottle of Prosecco if you drink, get the kids some appetiser so you can do a toast. Set the table nicely and get a little cake, pop a firework candle on it. Teach your kids that we measure ourselves against our past selves, not other people, and we should be proud of ourselves and each other when we do something very well. Teach your kids that we don’t allow other people to piss on our parade, including the people who should really love you the most. I bet your kids will be so excited to celebrate with you and will love all the pomp. And just ignore your DH tonight - he either goes along with the celebrations or he doesn’t, either way, time for a chat with him when you’re ready.

He’s a cunt. Tell him, when you put me down like that and belittle my achievements in front of the children, it hurts me and is very poor role modelling. Why did you feel the need to do that?

Yay congratulations OP! Sounds like a fabulous achievement for you and your team.

I agree with PPs. Your DH has had his male ego battered and clearly thinks he is the big breadwinner in your family so can’t bear to think it’s you! Dick move by him. I’d be considering options if this is something he does on a regular basis.

His go to reference of another man's salary, completely unconnected, makes him sound like a complete moron.

I would be cringing to be married to such low intellect....another thing I wouldn't be able to unsee.

Stupid and insecure.
He's no prize thats for sure.

Is RTFT just a bit too hard for you?

why is it only you who should earn more money ??

Some men are so small and such misogynists that they can only feel better about themselves by diminishing women to “keep them in their place.” They can’t even stand the women they claim to love doing well. Your husband is clearly one of those men when in fact husbands should be our biggest champions, in order to deserve our love and energy. Sorry OP.

But take a huge congratulations from an anonymous stranger on the internet. I hope you are proud of your achievement, which sounds hard won and well deserved.

@Thatpunkjumper Congratulations!! from a stranger on the internet . I get how you feel - my shitty husband moment wasn't for anything as amazing as your achievement but I'd been coaching a girls sports team and built it up and got an award from the County - total surprise and whilst it wasn't a big award it made me feel (finally) recognised. 'D'H didn't even take a photo of me with said award and disappeared outside to watch a car being pulled from a ditch instead of standing proudly next to me.

Now I know it was because he didn't like me getting recognition for things rather than him whether it was work or volunteering stuff even though he would never admit it - we split up the following year.

All this silent stuff just leads to misunderstanding and resentment.

A good frank exchange of views would help. Too many people mince about when a good row would help clear the air.

He might be threatened, well, then he's a dick. But give him a chance to repair things. And I do get it, my DH (who is normally lovely) was well weird when I got a First but there was a lot of other stuff going on too.

Rupture and repair...not just rupture and resentment.

Well, well done from me on MN, that's superb! All that hard work paid off :-)

And now it's hubby's turn for hard work. He needs to learn how to be gracious, considerate and a proper husband and support his wife. All he had to do was give you a huge hug and say congratulations surely? What a twat quite frankly and you should tell him so.

Me too.

He clearly feels he's under performing because OP is the main earner (not by a lot but enough to make him feel less of a man, I guess.)

But the whole situation could be remedied by OP talking about her disappointment with him and also reassuring him that he doesn't need to feel jealous, undermined, etc.

They are both in the wrong.

OP for her passive aggressive, sulky response and him for not acknowledging her 'win' at work and her efforts.

It was hard work because there wasn't one full stop in it.

Who the hell knows or cares what their child's friends dad earns?! He sounds horribly money-obsessed and saying that to your children is not only insulting you but also suggesting to your children that you should compete with others to earn more. Yuk.

I feel for you.

I work in bids and proposals and I know exactly how much work goes into something like this. I also know the rush you feel when you are successful. How dare he take that away from you!

Because it's your success not his.

He’s jealous - keep working hard get more money and leave him !

well done - treat yourself to something x

He's jealous, insecure and thinks you're going to be out of his league, so he told you you didn't earn as much as the richest man he knows, ffs. What a miserable git he is.

Why the fuck would op try and reassure this petty jealous asshole who tries to chop her off at the knees in front of their kids?? She should take a deep breath and consider that she’s outgrown him, and deserves to be with someone who doesn’t simultaneously shit on her for not earning more and also shit on her for doing well at work, all in front of the kids.