Husband didn’t celebrate my ‘win’

[Thatpunkjumper]

Working on a high level project for many months was waiting to find out if it had been funded and approved - it was a long shot but hard work put in by the team I led and it got approved on Friday and today we found out we had additional funding allocated based on the strength of out proposal. I worked so hard on this and this win was beyond my wildest dreams professionally- I had numerous msg from family and friends wishing me well and asking how I’d got on nothing from husband and when I came home and told him and said excitedly to the kids hopefully this will mean more money for mummy which I can spend on you he said it won’t be as much as xxx’s dad makes (nb I’m on 60k a year xxs’s is on 200 k plus so I know I’m small fry but for me I’m over what I thought I’d be earning) I felt diminished I know I’m not that high level but for me I’m doing better than I ever expected thus is a big win and was so non interested (fine it’s my work probably boring to every one else) but for the time effort I would have celebrated him

Awful behaviour from your DH. Congratulations on your success OP, as PPs have said it’s clear jealousy from someone who has assumed the position (based on the fact they are a man I suspect) they are the are most important one.

Your line ‘I have championed him’ really struck home to me. My DD had a partner who was seemingly perfect, and who she supported constantly through academic & sporting struggles and successes - until she started to exceed his achievements then he, just like your DH retreated and withdrew, and that was the beginning of the end.

Men like this want a woman that meets their high requirements, smart, successful, beautiful, kind etc, with no intention of treating them as equals. They don’t consider what their wives do as important or valuable (they are the important one) they just want a wife that is a certain standard as part of their own self image.

In the short term, remember to use Bob's dad as the yardstick for all achievements from now on.

He's having trouble parking at the supermarket? "Oh I saw bobs dad park his massive range rover in a tiny space at school yesterday"
Playing footie with the kids? "Bobs dad wouldn't have missed that goal"
Burned the dinner? " did you know bobs dad trained as a chef before he became a barrister?"

In the long term, just leave him. He's not going to get any better.

And massive well done on your achievement!

PPs saying why did you tell the kids it means more money - its because she was excited that her achievement means she'll be able to treat her family! The idea that this would have 'diminished his standing as an earner' is BS. Thats fragility. In a healthy dynamic, this is their family money, and he should be just as excited. When I got a bonus in the past I paid for a holiday and DH didnt have to contribute. That was a huge win, a treat for us as a family! If DH then also got sulky because I'd diminished him, I'd feel so despondent and really begin to wonder what even is the point

First of all, congratulations to you! Hard work pays off!

I agree that this mean spirited jealous man feels threatened by you. He values himself and other people by money. None of which is very attractive is it?

Ooh this one hit home. There's a kind of man who wants you to be clever and funny, but not more clever than them, and never funnier than them. Its a lose lose battle that only ends in the women leaving or becoming a shadow of herself.

He's feeling threatened. His long standing internal unconscious bias is that men should earn more than women.

That doesn't excuse him but if things are going to change you need to call it out in a non confrontational way. He needs to become aware of his bias in order to change it.

I was married to a shit like that. Didn’t want me to achieve anything anyway but when I did, he couldn’t acknowledge what I had done.

But this could come very much across as a dig at her husband. Yes she should be proud of her achievement but adding on the mummy can now buy you more things suggests that it isn't down to the household to decide what is bought and that it is mummy who holds the power for what the children want. I can quite see why he potentially responded in that way.
The wording could have been better as mummy works hard so that we can afford nice things.
I expect if this was a reverse and the husband came home saying daddy could buy them more things then people would be outraged at this.

Oh my who's feeling his poor little male ego threatened by his clever wife?!?

Congratulations on your terrific win, OP.

When I paid for our holiday, DH kept saying "what a lovely treat Mummy has got for us! Mummy is taking us on holiday!". He realised the importance of demonstrating how we celebrate each other. Especially as he is the higher earner, he realised how significant this was for me!

Maybe if you have separate finances then this works and I can see that is nice to share who buys the nicer things. Everything in our household is shared so comes out the joint account so is kind of irrelevant who pays what.

Not even him that's on the 200k?

That makes it even odder-it's of no relevance whatsoever.

So an absolute reach to "diss" you.

Peter Andre energy.

I’d have to let rip on him, OP. I think you should remind him of always being his cheerleader. If I were you, I’d want to tell him to make no mistake, I am feeling incredible about my achievements, even in spite of him trying to dim my light… And what he said hasn’t made me feel nearly as bad as he must feel, given that he’s made a pathetic, childish, small-man comment to try to bring me down… Then stuff his whimpers when he tries to turn it around and make you feel sorry for him.

Congratulations OP, you fully deserve to be absolutely elated. Enjoy every moment, in spite of your unfortunate husband.

I get what you're saying, and day to day that's right, but I earned the bonus through my performance, and I chose to use it on a treat that also benefitted DH, and he wanted to celebrate that. So its a little different than normal earnings which I agree should be considered joint purchases regardless of how much each person puts in the kitty. Once OPs new earning become normalised then I'm sure that would have been true of them too, but it was a special occasion where OP had a massive achievement with a financial pay off and wanted to celebrate and treat her family, and that shouldn't hurt anyone's feelings.

I don’t know if one is allowed to say this… But, I could have married two other guys before I met DH. Both far better off than him (and me) but I felt inferior to them. Like I would owe them something, if they bought the house, car, holidays… Might be a “me” thing. It’s often the case with SAHM here, too. It would have been nice of your DH not to mention his salary!

What a nasty thing to do! My wins at work never made us a penny more (worked in the NHS, set salary) and my late husband always cheered me on.

He sounds jealous. Maybe the more money comment made him feel inadequate. Whatever it was there's no excuse for not supporting your partner especially in front of the kids. How is your marriage otherwise?

I don't understand why you've not spoken to your husband on this and said how you feel.

Why?

There are a few things I'm not sure of from your posts.

You say your team were awarded the project but how does that become promotion or more money for you?

You've not really explained. Your H's behaviour is nasty but you're partly at fault here for not talking to him about how you feel.

Communication is the most important thing in a marriage and it works both ways.

Instead of being passive aggressive and not speaking to him directly, you do need to take control of this and express your feelings.

This is the point - he needs his champion and a woman who stays in his shadow. You are lucky you make so much less than him because if you made more your marriage wouldn’t survive this. His ego is clearly tied to his career

He's a smug prick

She really shouldn’t have to explain why what he said is beyond the pale. If he’s not pleased and proud of her achievement, then as someone else said upthread, he’s a mean minded jealous twonk. Trouble is, he’s said what he said and there’s no way out of that. Very revealing - and what it reveals is not pretty.

Yes me too:

Men like this want a woman that meets their high requirements, smart, successful, beautiful, kind etc, with no intention of treating them as equals. They don’t consider what their wives do as important or valuable (they are the important one) they just want a wife that is a certain standard as part of their own self image.

I could have written this about my own marriage!

What a duck, putting you in your place and undermining you. Great role model for his kids

Thanks all. Good to reflect on it.
such a shame I should not have let him spoil my evening and it really did.

You should try speaking your mind more- the question is why you can't.
Letting feelings fester is not the answer.