Husband didn’t celebrate my ‘win’

[Thatpunkjumper]

Working on a high level project for many months was waiting to find out if it had been funded and approved - it was a long shot but hard work put in by the team I led and it got approved on Friday and today we found out we had additional funding allocated based on the strength of out proposal. I worked so hard on this and this win was beyond my wildest dreams professionally- I had numerous msg from family and friends wishing me well and asking how I’d got on nothing from husband and when I came home and told him and said excitedly to the kids hopefully this will mean more money for mummy which I can spend on you he said it won’t be as much as xxx’s dad makes (nb I’m on 60k a year xxs’s is on 200 k plus so I know I’m small fry but for me I’m over what I thought I’d be earning) I felt diminished I know I’m not that high level but for me I’m doing better than I ever expected thus is a big win and was so non interested (fine it’s my work probably boring to every one else) but for the time effort I would have celebrated him

Parking his obviously pointless comment, it’s concerning that you both seem to see there is a correlation between value as a person, and the salary someone in an HR office somewhere has decided to pay you.
I see great people who are grossly underpaid, and poor performers who are grossly overpaid.
Congratulations on your work project. But we are worth so much more than the sum of the income we have.

Yanbu but I do also think the money comment to your kids was a strange thing to say? So maybe it was a low ball response to that?

Is he married to xxs dad?

Don’t let him drag you down. What a horrible man.

Does he have form for being such a cunt?

He more than didn't celebrate it, he deliberately pissed on it. What a small dick fragile ego wanker.

Well done to you and your team. I don't know what it's like in your particular industry but in mine applications for funding are nowhere right now what with the state of the economy - so your proposal must have been dynamite to get not just the offered funding but extra. Don't let him take the shine off for you; celebrate with your kids who are in your corner xxx

you have done so well, what an awful reaction from him, he sounds so jealous of your success

Envy and control. He wants to keep you in your box as his cheerleader and support act. He fears you becoming as important as him.

Needs a conversation when you’re ready, as it’s a really toxic position and suggests that he will be unsupportive and undermining in future.

Was this a one off OP? Not that that excuses it, he sounds like a small jealous man.

The money thing sounds like a bonus benefit from your pov but as the main point, as a value system, for him.

Sounds like he wanted to rain on your parade. The only thing I would change is mentioning money to the kids, I would think they should all be proud of you for the fact you worked hard on something and were successful (rather than as a I can now buy you more things).

It’s a VERY insecure man that would need to do this. If you love someone, you should be proud of their achievements and you should had no problem saying so. Your win obviously made him
feel small, so he cut you down to make himself feel better. It’s a pathetic person that boosts themselves up by diminishing others. It isn’t how you treat someone you love.

I think the thing that struck me was that he’s now giving you the silent treatment. I used to be with someone like this. If I was upset with him, he would give ME the silent treatment. I’d go a bit quiet and wasn’t my usual chatty smiley self so he knew something was up. He couldn’t stand me being upset with him so he’d end up being MORE UPSET with me than I was with him! I’d end up fretting about upsetting him. The focus would move from his poor behaviour (the original issue), to me worrying I’d done something.

They like to make it all about them. You’ve damaged his precious ego and now he’s sulking because you haven’t apologised. I am pleased I got away from my manchild. I don’t need an emotionally undeveloped precious ego man child in my life.

Men - do better!

My ex Hated that I outdated him for a long time. I think it is an issue for a lot of men

Your "D" H is nasty, especially putting you down in front of your kids.

Edit yo say , Bloody well done to you and your team.

mediocre men do tend to get jealous when hard working women succeed

I had one of these. Never celebrated me, never told me he was proud of me, HATED it when I started earning more than him.

I left him :)

There’s no way you’ll change this behaviour IME - it’s deep rooted insecurity and misogyny. I wouldn’t want my kids growing up with that.

This is very true.

He's a nasty cunt. I bet you already knew that. Don't let him undermine you in front of your children.

well firstly, huge congratulations! I’m sorry it was so difficult for your husband to say that. As hard as it might be, try not to let his insecure reaction to your wonderful news dull it’s shine.

His reaction is his opinion and his alone to own - to start with I thought you meant that he was saying you didn’t earn as much as him, and that was bad enough, but when I realised he was actually talking about some random dad, that’s plain weird. The times published a list of highest tax payers at the weekend, and I don’t expect that dad earns as much as anyone on that for example! It’s just a stupid pointless thing to point out, that can only have been intended to wound you, or diminish your success.

Your husband expressed an opinion -not a fact- that made himself look bad in front of your kids (which incidentally they had the maturity to pickup on) don’t think he cut you down to size, because what he actually did is show them how small he felt.

hope you’re met with a heartfelt apology this morning. And again, well done! X

^This
Congratulations, @Thatpunkjumper - job so well done, you deserve to be lavished with praise for your achievement. Random Mumsnetters are proud of you, even if your H isn’t.

Congratulations on your success. It was obviously hard work and a deserved win. You’ve earned the right to be proud of what you and your team have achieved. Don’t let anyone diminish that.

however, you say that you said to the kids “hopefully this means more money for mummy that I can spend on you”. He might have thought that was spiteful. A dig at him and how he’s the lower earner.

What he said was nasty and unnecessary, but maybe he felt you’d diminished his role in the family’s finances? His silence might be reflection on how he’s reacting to what you said, rather than him.

again, you’ve achieved well. Don’t let one persons reaction spoil it.

That is so unkind of him. I’m so sorry. Anyway congratulations!

Please go out this weekend with your friends/family who supported you. Don’t let him win!

Ugh yes I had a boyfriend like this. We were both creatives, equally talented, but I would be more proactive and go out to find opportunities. Everytime I got an offer of a residency or exhibition his face would imediately fall and instead of celebrating I would feel guilty and start comforting him "your work is great, its only a matter of time, you deserve to be it out there". These fragile men need to be kept away from dynamic women!

Congratulations. Huge achievement

Both of you sulking will not help to resolve this. I hope you can learn to communicate better

I wouldn't hesitate to tell my DH that I was hurt by his comments

...when I came home and told him and said excitedly to the kids hopefully this will mean more money for mummy which I can spend on you

Yes, more money for mummy because fuck daddy, he's a pathetic arsehole.

ETA: Congratulations on your achievement!

You are right to feel this way. This would be the final straw for me as I would never be able to feel the same way about him.

There is zero benefit in talking to him about this. He will just continue laughing at you internally. It won't change his basic personality.

My 'D'H did something to me last year that I can't ever forgive. If you had told me prior, that he would do it, I would have never have believed it of him but he did it, didn't even apologise for three months and then it was because he was trying to pull me out of the change towards him that I can never change.

I see him in a totally different light and have tried for eight months to not feel that way and I just.....can't.

Leave him. If he does not have your back over something good like this, imagine how he will be if you get ill or have something terrible befall you.