Husband didn’t celebrate my ‘win’

[Thatpunkjumper]

Working on a high level project for many months was waiting to find out if it had been funded and approved - it was a long shot but hard work put in by the team I led and it got approved on Friday and today we found out we had additional funding allocated based on the strength of out proposal. I worked so hard on this and this win was beyond my wildest dreams professionally- I had numerous msg from family and friends wishing me well and asking how I’d got on nothing from husband and when I came home and told him and said excitedly to the kids hopefully this will mean more money for mummy which I can spend on you he said it won’t be as much as xxx’s dad makes (nb I’m on 60k a year xxs’s is on 200 k plus so I know I’m small fry but for me I’m over what I thought I’d be earning) I felt diminished I know I’m not that high level but for me I’m doing better than I ever expected thus is a big win and was so non interested (fine it’s my work probably boring to every one else) but for the time effort I would have celebrated him

I am so, so sad to read this, Op. He has let you down.

My take on it (and I always reply without reading anyone else's input, so I may have a popular view or an anomalous one) is that he feels threatened by you doing better than before, and he's silently resentful that your earnings are creeping up.

That explains the 200k comparison put-down, which was highly irrelevant.

He rather liked the idea of his wife staying exactly where she was, that's my view. He needs to be told that part of being married is emotional support for one another, and he has failed in this.

He wants you to make him feel better for hurting you, please don’t feel you have to. You need to tell him what a horrible thing he did.

He sounds jealous. You don't need a man to validate your achievements in any case, just be proud for yourself and allow time to reflect.

I’d be asking him why he isn’t happy for you? Even my ex tells our kids that yes he out earns their mum, but I work much harder and have sacrificed some my career to care for kids (years of part time) whilst he went and lived overseas several times. I think he would be secretly jealous if one day I landed a job paying more than him, but I know he would tell me it was well deserved and say same to the kids. And that’s my ex, not a husband who supposedly loves you.

What a pathetic reply to say not as much as daddy earns. Wow. I’d have had to make a comment about the fact you are raising kids and working as no doubt you’re doing more than 50-50. I’d tell him very calmly that his comment and lack of congratulations hurt. His reaction should have been a big hug, telling you he is proud of you and arranging a family meal.

edited to add see you’re not out earning him, but this a random child’s friends parent. Wow. Even worse, why would be even raise that person, what have they got to do with you and what you earn? Very hurtful comment.

Also many congrats. It sounds like it’s huge for you career wise. Be very proud, despite what he said.

Congratulations. Very strange reaction from your dh. He sounds jealous and threatened by your success. It's not even about the money, its about the fact that you have worked hard and got a project over the line and secured funding that should be celebrated. This would be a win even if it was for some voluntary organization you were with such as PTA.
Is he always like this? How is his job security at the moment? If not good, it could be an explanation for his less than supportive behaviour.

If he cant be pleased for you. Something isnt quite right about the relationship. He may be used to you being his sidekick, cheering him on and supporting him. What he fails to recongnise is he wouldnt have got to his position without you supporting him in various ways. He may treat you as an extension of himself. So he needs to deminish your achievements to feel better about himself. Does he support you in other ways or is this a pattern? Tell him how you feel, if he still doesnt understand or trys to put you down again. I would take sometime to think about the relationship and what you want. You should keep the extra money in a seperate account like a credit union for you and the children. In case you ever need it. With only access to it for yourself. If he doesnt appreciate it. He shouldnt have access to it. It can be your emergency fund and your independance.

Wow, how unnecessarily rude of him! Is he always like this? That's super nasty and I'd say he's somewhat jealous of your success, that's why he can't be happy for you.

My brain is saying maybe he felt hurt by the fact it was like ‘me and my team did this so finally we’ll have more money because I did this’ so like a we’ll be ok now kids because we achieved this but I still can’t justify his reaction- it was utter assholeness of him to your kids and to you. Congratulations on the huge win

Congratulations, Op.

I do wonder if @arethereanyleftatall has unfortunately hit the nail on the head. Is your h prone to trying to make you feel small?

So weird that he compares your earnings to someone else’s dad… Who does he compare his earnings to?

I would be reminding him I earn more than him , and ask him why he can’t earn more.
How does he know how much school Dad earns ? Congratulations btw.

The fact you know what the other parent earns speaks volumes. We have lots of friends who probably earn 200k+ (we live in an area with seemingly a lot of private medical consultants) but I would never want or need to know specifics and it wouldn't come into general conversation in our family. Who cares? He is clearly very bitter about his earning potential and feels inadequate.

If I were you and going to get a raise I wouldnt mention it again, say you didn't get it, so I could cream off the extra bit into a getaway account.

Did you know women who out earn their husbands on average do more housework than women who earn just slightly less? We are also more likely to be abused. I would guess your husband has a general problem with you earning more, and is being a dick because of it. To be clear, you earning more doesn't give him a pass, but stop and reflect on whether this shit is a general pattern, that might affect your future decision making about the relationship

He’s jealous of your success- as simple as that

The "xxx's dad" thing is irrelevant (and inappropriate); you didn't say you were going to be a billionaire, just that you'd be earning significantly more than you had before.

He’s currently silent and I’ve had to sort out the kids uniforms pack lunches etc as he’s retreated and disengaged. THIS would bother me a lot, unless perhaps it's a complete one-off. It sounds like he wants to punish you, either for getting a raise in the first place, for telling the children about it, or perhaps of calling him out on his odd, unsupportive response. He'll waste your time and energy keeping you guessing about why he's being a weirdo, and probably make you second-guess how you communicate about these topics in the future, rather than just having a conversation and solving whatever he thinks is the problem.

Congratulations on your achievement!

What a prick. He was nasty and to say those things in front of/to your children is so uncalled for.

I’m so sorry he has taken the joy out of your day. Has he retreated back into a corner full of self-justification, or come to you to apologize for his totally unacceptable nastiness. I truly hope it’s the latter.

He’s caused hurt to his team-mate today, unnecessarily, he needs reminding you are both running in the same race. He needs some introspection fast.

Congratulations, so well done, so pleased to read you have got people around you to celebrate this super day with. He’s rubbished yr day, that is not ok on any level. Jealousy is a mean bed-fellow.

Congratulations on your achievement. What i also love is your use of 'we' and I imagine you're a lovely manager to work for who champions her team.

Your husband on the other didn't show you the same courtesy. He was a mean, spiteful, jealous twat.

What message did that send your children eh? Work hard...nah don't bother as you'll still be shit compared to X's dad. A huge misogynistic put down.

I'd be absolutely raging.

@Thatpunkjumper

Be prepared for him to say that he only reacted like that because

a)You 'were rubbing it in his face' bragging (be so happy and elated) about your 'win', and THAT'S what 'upset' him.
OR
b) That he was 'only joking', and YOU'RE too 'sensitive'.

Or a combination of them both, because he'll certainly be trying to lay the 'blame' for his actions at YOUR feet.

The truth is simply that he is a jealous, insecure manchild who wanted to 'bring you down a peg or two' by being bloody nasty.

I'm 1000% certain that were the positions reversed, he'd have thrown all his toys out of his pram if you were anything less than super excited/proud/elated for HIM.

What a cunt.

Not congratulating you is awful.

The comment about xxx's dad sounds more like managing kids expectations. Especially if every penny is needed. Of course you will be spending it on your household but kids shouldn't expect massive change in lifestyle. Still a fantastic achievement and the extra money will bring your family more security.

Congratulations. Don’t let this dim your excitement.

For me the most unpleasant part was not the comparison of your potential increase in pay to a higher earner, which was unpleasant enough, but the statement that you would bring home more money that he would spend on the children?!
So not only does he talk down your accomplishment, but sets himself up for the glory in the children’s eyes and to receive the excitement for the achievement.

is he usually like this?

Congratulations OP, it sounds like you really deserved it.

I hope he apologies and you can sort it out but I’d be really hurt too if I were you

This actually, is perfect.