AIBU to be worried about husband's internet use. (What is Telegram)

[Kiki92]

Hi all,

I’m looking for some perspective... please no nasty comments. I’m genuinely seeking advice, not judgment.

My husband has always been quite private with his phone. He often turns his body away when using it. It’s something I’ve noticed over the years and, while it makes me a little uncomfortable, I’ve generally brushed it off. He works hard, treats me well, and supports our family (me and our three children), so I’ve never had any real concerns. I just find the behaviour a bit secretive. When I’ve mentioned it before, he’s always dismissed it as nothing.

Recently, though, I briefly noticed he has the app Telegram on his phone. From what I understand, it’s a private messaging app, but it’s not something he’s ever mentioned to me, which caught my attention. I didn’t say anything to him about seeing it. It seems odd that he has it....

Then this morning, while using our family iPad, I realised his Gmail account had been linked overnight when he used it. When I went to use the search function, I could see some of his recent Google searches from his phone. One of them was: “Why can I only message contacts on Telegram.”

I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but taken together, it’s left me feeling uneasy. I’m not very tech-savvy and don’t really understand what Telegram is used for. I’d really appreciate any insight into the app, or thoughts on whether I might be overthinking this.

Anyone? Am I overreacting to be worried about this?

Same here. And now I have Telegram purely because there's a bot on it which tells you if theres's going to be a new parkrun starting that weekend. I don't rush around the country visiting them all but I am nosey and like to know!

I did think Telegram was a bit dodgy though and was a bit reluctant to download it but now I see quite a few of my friends and contacts have it.

Telegram is more ethical (or used to be!) and more secure. I've got it like many others but not enough people are on there to make me move from WhatsApp to there though I would cos don't trust meta who now own whatsapp. My DH has a friend who doesn't have WhatsApp so they use telegram.

But I get why this pattern bothers you. Can you simply ask him why he has telegram, to message who? Why shouldnt he tell you if he's got nothing to hide?

Telegram is the same as WhatsApp but more secure. In itself there’s zero concern.

Lots of people like it as it’s not run by Meta (Facebook) etc…

I personally couldn’t cope with my husband being secretive about his messages/phone but that’s my personal opinion and nothing to do with telegram.

Telegram might well be used as a messaging app as well, as pps have set out.

I’m aware of it as a social media platform very popular in russia.

Given the massive over lap between russia/ the far right/ sex offenders and MRAs I’d be on my guard.

india 100m
Russia 30M
indonesia 20M
USA 20M
Brazil, Egypt, Turkey (can’t find numbers)

I don't know. I have telegram because the fella I get my dodgy firestick from has a broadcast thing on there. I don't use it for anything else.

Any communication platform can be used for something innocent or something nefarious.

I have it because my cyber security child uses it to send me messages.

its also for drug dealers apparently although no one has ever propositioned me!

Have you got a dodgy fire stick? If so it's used to communicate give updates ect. It's just a more secure watsapp I wouldn't assume he's cheating.

Im in a football group on telegram. I get over 200 messages a day about it. Very innocent on my end.

You do get the odd scammed messaging which I just block straight away.

Yes we do the same...but that's not really what we're talking about here is it.
Plenty of people on here genuinely believe that it's ok to routinely demand to go through their partner's phone as if that's some kind of indication of a healthy relationship.
In OP's case, people aren't suggesting to check his phone out of some innocent curiosity but because of suspicions of nefarious activity.

Why is it weird he hasn't announced he has it? It wouldn't occur to me that it was necessary to inform my partner whenever I get a new app, a messaging one or other any other sort.

I think that is looking at it a bit back to front. Of course demanding to look at it isn't a sign of a healthy relationship. But I do think being relaxed about them looking is and on that basis I don't think it should be such a taboo to ask.

So, I thought you deserved an update.

Telegram was the least of my worries. I managed to see his billing history on Google Play on the iPad... There's Tinder Gold, Badoo Premium and well as hundred of payments to porn chat sites, which span the entirety of our relationship.

I spoke to him and he has a massive porn addiction. I am NUMB.

Where do you go from here, do you have someone you can talk to or confide in?

Has he said he will seek help or did he show any remorse?

I am very sorry to hear this. Must be devastating for you. He uses the word “addiction” because he thinks it sounds better for him. Tinder is a dating website. I don’t know what Badoo is. Don’t let him brush this off as he couldn’t help it. He is married to you. He knows how to behave. He hasn’t. Don’t waste any more time on this man. You’re worth far more than this.

Tinder is not porn. He is still lying to you.

Do you think he's met people too?

So sorry.

Addiction makes it sound like it's something he can't help; to get sympathy from you. Those are dating/hookup apps. Please get an STI check, and leave him.

My DH uses Telegram all the time. We message each other on it. He uses it instead of WhatsApp because he won't use anything owned by meta! In itself there's nothing worrying in it, but I'd say the secrecy around the phone is a separate issue

Tinder isn’t porn it’s for in real life hook-ups.

@Kiki92 Ah yes, the old male "I can't help myself" and "Give me loads of sympathy" trope, instead of being kicked out on his horny fucking arse. Tinder isn't porn anyway, it's for meeting and cheating. Don't fall for the script OP. It won't get any better and you deserve more. I speak through experience.

Tinder gold means he isn’t just meeting people and cheating he’s using your joint funds for the privilege!
do not let him gaslight you with the old storyline of addiction. He’s been caught out and you need to get some legal advice and an sti test.
i knew a bloke who insisted on telegram chats and found out later it was so his wife couldn’t see his online status on WhatsApp or read msgs if she looked at his phone.

I use telegram to access live streams of a sport that aren't available on tv. I'm a member of a fan group.

Tinder isn't porn. What he's got isn't an addiction.

Addiction makes it sound like he can't help it. He can help it alright. He just didn't want to.

Do you have close friends and family that can support you?

Oh OP I am so sorry. My daughter has just thrown out her husband after finding out he had not only spent thousands of pounds on an online porn "addiction" and webcammers but had then escalated to hook ups IRL.

She has recently been to a support group for partners of men like this and has found it very helpful to be among others who fully understand. Fortunately there are no children in her marriage. With little ones to consider, your position is even harder. Your husband does not deserve his lovely family. What was he thinking? 💐