AIBU to be worried about husband's internet use. (What is Telegram)

[Kiki92]

Hi all,

I’m looking for some perspective... please no nasty comments. I’m genuinely seeking advice, not judgment.

My husband has always been quite private with his phone. He often turns his body away when using it. It’s something I’ve noticed over the years and, while it makes me a little uncomfortable, I’ve generally brushed it off. He works hard, treats me well, and supports our family (me and our three children), so I’ve never had any real concerns. I just find the behaviour a bit secretive. When I’ve mentioned it before, he’s always dismissed it as nothing.

Recently, though, I briefly noticed he has the app Telegram on his phone. From what I understand, it’s a private messaging app, but it’s not something he’s ever mentioned to me, which caught my attention. I didn’t say anything to him about seeing it. It seems odd that he has it....

Then this morning, while using our family iPad, I realised his Gmail account had been linked overnight when he used it. When I went to use the search function, I could see some of his recent Google searches from his phone. One of them was: “Why can I only message contacts on Telegram.”

I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but taken together, it’s left me feeling uneasy. I’m not very tech-savvy and don’t really understand what Telegram is used for. I’d really appreciate any insight into the app, or thoughts on whether I might be overthinking this.

Anyone? Am I overreacting to be worried about this?

Telegram has downsides but it's the whistleblower's app of choice. If your DH is having trouble at work or is in a role in which he might be approached by a whistleblower, it wouldn't be surprising that Telegram's in play. Likewise, if he's a researcher or journalist, the privacy of Telegram means it's often how tips arrive. Even the Guardian has a Telegram tipline, despite their frequent coverage of the app's more distasteful uses (lately, a proliferation of deepfake nudes) & shady origins.

@Kiki92 My DH uses it. Has been for a few years. At the time it was because the videos, etc, were HD quality so much better than you could get on WhatsApp, and when you're buying things at auction, the more detail the better. They've since moved to WhatsApp as it now has HD quality as well and it means they reach a wider audience.

Any app can be used for the wrong thing. Him being secretive over his phone is more concerning. Don't ignore your gut.

Haha. I came on to say this.

Yeah it's used for 'drugs and things'. So is a regular telephone number. Does that mean if someone has a phone number they're a drugs baron?!

Telegram isn't only a private messaging app. It's also social media with groups and channels where you post status updates and comments, that kind of thing. A bit like Twitter I suppose.

In my social media circles, Telegram is just considered to be where all the fascists, racists, conspiracy theorists and incels hang out, because it has little to no moderation and things that would get taken down on most social media platforms tend to stay up on Telegram. It's not a platform I'd associate with people trying to cheat on their partners. I just associate it with total wrong'uns really.

I'd be less concerned about Telegram than the secrecy. It it was the app alone, I'd not think twice, Telegram is a bit like Tor in the sense that it has its legitimate uses but its high security and anonymity does tend to attract certain types of users. But that coupled with the shifty behaviour would have me suspicious too.

I'd engineer a conversation about it. Lounge on sofa, glance across. 'What's Telegram? A messaging app, like WhatsApp? Oh, let's have a look, is it any good? WhatsApp is doing my head in lately.' His reaction will be telling.

If he's up to nothing he'll lean over, show it to you, comment on why it is/isn't better than WhatsApp. If he gets defensive, you'll know something is afoot.

I said if you have serious suspicions (ie. find illegal materials). OP asked for people’s opinions, which we are giving.

I don't like people watching me when I'm doing something on my phone.
I also don't like them reading over my shoulder when I'm reading something.
It feels obtrusive.

I don't see this as particular secrecy - just no need to know. I've never looked at my DH's phone and he's never looked at mine - except maybe if we were showing each other a photo or something. Neither of us think the other is hiding anything. Neither of us think the other is being secretive.

OP is either paranoid, controlling or there is some other reason that she's not telling us. She needs to be careful her lack of trust is in itself not the thing that causes a relationship rift.

Telegram in itself is not a problem - I have a lot of work connections in eastern Europe and it's more popular there so I use it too. It's just like whatsapp. Regarding his search about “Why can I only message contacts on Telegram.” I have found that sharing contacts between, say Telegram and Whatsapp, is not so easy. So if you have someone on Telegram then want to use (for example) Whatsapp, you can't see them in your contacts and it's not easy to share.

Obviously this doesn't mean he's not doing anything dodgy, but using Telegram and his search is not itself a problem at all in my view. I've done that same - and I'm definitely one of the most boring people out there!

I don't think this is about telegram or not telegram but your spidey sense that something is up. From personal experience I can say it's worth at least investigating. Either directly ask to see his phone or if you can't face that, have a deeper dive into his search history, and keep a closer eye on his movements, e.g. trips away, working late.

Telegram is often viewed as more secure. People who are a little paranoid often use it glares balefully at brother who melts down if anyone sends a photo on whatssapp . Similarly, I know many journalists use it with sources for the same reason.

So he obviously likes to have super secure comms om his phone. Is this in line with his personality (eg like my over-paranoid brother?) or is it at odds with his personality? DH has a chat group on Telegram because one of his friends is in the naturally paranoid grouping and was refusing to use whatsapp!

There is no good reason to have telegram. It the Russian chat app. If you're not suspecting drug trafficking, I'd sadly presume an Eastern Europe-based online girlfriend. I'm sorry.

IME Telegram is often used for buying/selling drugs or other illegal items because it can operate like a marketplace with groups of thousands of people. There’s also certain features that make it more anonymous than WhatsApp. So he could be doing that 😬 or he’s having an affair and wants a private messaging app separate from his normal chats in WhatsApp. Hope it’s neither of those things though 🤞

Why is it weird? I don't tell my partner about every app I download.

Your partner turning their whole body away everytime they use their phone is definitely not normal unless you’re trying to hide something. Occasionally maybe if you’re sending something personal/sensitive but not every single time. I don’t think she sounds controlling or paranoid. Anyone would think this was strange behaviour

My whole family has telegram…. Downloaded it years a go as an alternative to what’s app, it had better emojis, stickers and you could send gifs (you couldn’t on what’s app) Since what’s app updated, we switched but I still have it…. In recent years it is well known Only Fans girl use it, I always think it’s a bit Suss when I get a notification when a man in my contacts is recently added (it tells you if a contact joins) You can also search and talk to anyone nearby so it’s big for teenagers looking to buy drugs

NC for obvious reasons op and not to scare you but my ex was very similar in how he used his phone, the secrecy and using those types of apps for communication and it turned out he was involved in distribution of illegal images.

I would be making every effort to see what is on the phone, your gut is telling you something is wrong so I think you need to listen to it. It doesn't mean it's something as extreme as what I experienced but the secrecy around it is not normal or healthy, nor is the gaslighting.

@Kiki92 "Why can I only message contacts on Telegram.”

That question he's googled could simply be that in installing Telegram, it has somehow taken over general SMS messaging, as the default app. I've had that happen before with some other messaging app a few years back.
Why he's using Telegram (and not telling you about it) is a different matter.

Telegram I've heard is a app for people that are cheating I've seen it on Reddit that it's the one the other women use I'd check the msgs on it

I think it's more normal to do it every time (is he never doing innocuous things like deleting random marketing emails; using a bank app; playing solitaire; organising to meet a friend for coffee?) than only some of the time. All the time suggests "doesn't like people watching me using my phone". Some of the time says "I'm doing some things in particular that I don't want my wife to see". And if he is doing "dodgy stuff" using Telegram, it keeps it all self contained so it's really easy just not to do it at all when in full view.

Telegram is notorious for groups for sharing CSAM. Just watch any predator catch. That's obviously the extreme end and I'm sure it's also used for innocent chats, but I would always side eye a man using telegram while being secretive with his phone. Also if he's being secretive with his phone that's a classic red flag for cheating. If he's got nothing to hide then he should start acting like it.

The general secretiveness would concern me more than which messaging apps he has on his phone. I know it's an unforgivable sin to some people, but I'd be wanting a look at his phone, especially if you can't ask him about it and get an immediate honest answer (preferably him willingly showing you the phone himself) without him becoming angry. And he's that sensitive to questions about his phone, I'd consider that a red flag.

It’s not mainstream IN THE UK.
it’s mainstream in many other countries.
so is Viber.

Telegram is completely normal!! What is wrong with you people.

Maybe, but clearly a lot of people associate it with criminals and sexual stuff, and creepy group chats sharing photos. That’s the only contexts I’ve ever heard of it. It’s not mainstream like WhatsApp and allows you to communicate with random people you don’t know

Where? Not the US either. Other countries use WhatsApp predominantly for international calls.