AIBU to be worried about husband's internet use. (What is Telegram)

[Kiki92]

Hi all,

I’m looking for some perspective... please no nasty comments. I’m genuinely seeking advice, not judgment.

My husband has always been quite private with his phone. He often turns his body away when using it. It’s something I’ve noticed over the years and, while it makes me a little uncomfortable, I’ve generally brushed it off. He works hard, treats me well, and supports our family (me and our three children), so I’ve never had any real concerns. I just find the behaviour a bit secretive. When I’ve mentioned it before, he’s always dismissed it as nothing.

Recently, though, I briefly noticed he has the app Telegram on his phone. From what I understand, it’s a private messaging app, but it’s not something he’s ever mentioned to me, which caught my attention. I didn’t say anything to him about seeing it. It seems odd that he has it....

Then this morning, while using our family iPad, I realised his Gmail account had been linked overnight when he used it. When I went to use the search function, I could see some of his recent Google searches from his phone. One of them was: “Why can I only message contacts on Telegram.”

I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but taken together, it’s left me feeling uneasy. I’m not very tech-savvy and don’t really understand what Telegram is used for. I’d really appreciate any insight into the app, or thoughts on whether I might be overthinking this.

Anyone? Am I overreacting to be worried about this?

Telegram is not as mainstream as WhatsApp.

I don’t care if it’s ridiculous’ or not. The app has a reputation.

And as I clearly stated, it can still be used for legitimate reasons, but it’s known for randoms sharing illegal stuff on group chats and drugs. Sorry if that upsets you.

Yes I'm not saying that you'd WANT to regularly read about his cars (!) but if you thought he was cheating I'm sure he'd happily hand it over and you could flick through the car photos to put your mind at ease

We always use each other's phones - to check imperial to metric, check the weather forecast. Whatever phone is closest to hand - and neither of us get wound up about that.

It's just a total non-issue - which I think is how it should be.

I wouldn't dream of asking to see his phone - it would NOT be well received.

This is not a good sign at all. You should be able to ask to see it. Every time you see him moving away when on the phone, call him out then and there. I would demand to see his phone. I would. Because any man who acts like this is DEFINITELY cheating. The problem is you've let him get away with this secretiveness for so long and haven't called him on it earlier so he knows he can cheat and message who he wants. Stop it right now. So you demand to see his phone or your marriage is at stake. And don't let him erase evidence and then let you see it. Demand it then and there in the moment.

Isn't WhatsApp the most secure thing you can use, due to the end-to-end encryption?

I don't know anything about the app. I do turn away from people when using my phone though and hate people trying to peer at it. I'm not doing anything I shouldn't, it just feels intrusive if people are watching what I'm doing. Similar to how I feel when someone sits too close to me invading my personal space, or if I notice someone hanging about outside a room I was having a conversation with someone else in.

Great idea!

Telegram is not the issue here. Like all messaging services/forums/social media it has postive and negative uses, and a lot of people will be using it because that's what their community uses. A lot of places use by default it because it is really well set up for non-WEuro languages. WhatsApp is a bit of a default in the UK, but is awful if you are switching between scripts. But I also follow some business channels, BBC in other languages, language learning channels (some really excellent resources on there) and some pretty picture channels. I'm sure there are loads of porn and drugs on there, but probably tons on Whatsapp too if you are looking.

Telegram is like threads, Whatsapp etc.
The medium he's using isn't the problem. His secrecy is

I don't get all this secrecy shit. If my dp's phone is charging he will go on mine to google something and vice versa.
If there is no trust, there is no trust!

Telegram app

• Privacy-focused: Offers end-to-end encrypted “Secret Chats,” self-destructing messages, and strong security options.

I joined Telegram to communicate with an Training developer I was in a Beta testing group for. It's seen as being more secure, I've not been aware of any adverts or spam, and none of the other discussion group members can see each others phone numbers, so I don't have scammers latching on with their "Hello beautiful lady I'm American working in the middle East, looking after my small child alone after my wife was tragically taken from me on a car crash" messages. As a female in a group that was probably 95% male I found that very reassuring. You used your number to sign up, and it will connect you already have as contacts but it just means randoms can't get your number.

Drug dealers might like it, but it doesn't mean only drug dealers use it. Most serial killers are men, but it doesn't mean all men are serial killers does it?

Sorry OP but my husband used telegram to send explicit messages to other women when he was working away from home a few years ago. He'd used it once before, before we were together and all the old contacts just sprung up. It's no excuse but he was going through a very very difficult time. Took us about a year but we worked through it.

Telegram can sometimes be used legitimately by companies as a messaging service between employees but if it's on his personal phone I'd be suspicious.

It is possible your husband is using this app perfectly legitimately or equally he may not. However surely him just having it on his phone is not grounds for suspicion in itself.

As for all these people who claim that their husbands should be prepared to hand their phones over for inspection whenever requested, I find this plain weird. There is nothing remotely dodgy on my phone but I would not be handing it over to my husband for inspection whenever he demands, why should I? I think this is downright controlling behaviour. Everyone has a right to privacy.

Im also wondering if he is engaged Telegram groups he would not want you to know about. Some kind of extremism. Whenever I read about a group of people doing something creepy/violent there is always a Telegram group. There are lots of non creepy/violent things related to hobbies and campaign's too.

I had it for a brief time because some (nice mum related) campaign groups are on there but I didnt like the interface.

Telegram is more secretive than WhatsApp (easier to hide messages and conversations), also you get loads of people (strangers) using it to send nudes, videos (you can send high res) and buying drugs and selling sex, so YES it can be nefarious. My ex used it to try and start an affair with me (which I didn't entertain) but his wife found the convo.

The fact your husband made that Google search suggests to me he might be using it to buy drugs or sex or just swap nudes. That would be my guess.

Telegram is super-encrypted and can be used very innocently (like WhatsApp) but is often used for dodgy/illegal dealings.
Drug deals, illegal streams, sex.

Off topic, but why is it a general idea that we should always run to our partner, phone in hand?
Surely, a personal smart phone is our bit of privacy.
Speaking for myself.

Telegram is a messaging app I use it myself, it's not end 2 end encrypted like WhatsApp and also isn't owned by meta unlike Facebook is.
Unlike WhatsApp you should be able to contact people who aren't directly in your contacts and they should be able to contact you as well. A lot of small business owners use it so they don't have to give out person numbers etc.

My partner doesn't know all the different messaging apps I use and vice versa; there's nothing untoward about it we just have different friend groups who prefer different apps.

I think I currently have group chats on
Facebook messenger
Telegram
Signal
WhatsApp
And Xpal.

Different folks just prefer different apps.

Telegram you can have private messages that delete and are not traceable.

Personally, I've only ever seen it used for naughty things so I'm really surprised by all the comments here that it's really quite popular.

I also thought it was quite old school and not in use very much anymore.

However, can you just ask him?

WhatsApp is used for that much more than telegram is!

How is telegram old school? It's a younger service than WhatsApp?
Also if a message is deleted from telegram it says x deleted a message/photo etc and that message can't be deleted, you also can't hide message threads. On WhatsApp you can delete the "x deleted a message" and you can also pin lock and hide chats!

I don't think you can say he is "definitely" cheating. DH and I will both move away if we get work calls if there is a chance of background/family noise.

But I agree, depending on context it could signal he is not wanting to be heard.

My wife is always looking at my phone and I don't mind at all. She usually charges it for me as I tend to forget. We haven't got any secrets from each other - I think

And say what to the Police? My Husband has downloaded a messaging app to his phone and I am suspicious.

My mind boggles at some people's thought patterns.