AIBU to be worried about husband's internet use. (What is Telegram)

[Kiki92]

Hi all,

I’m looking for some perspective... please no nasty comments. I’m genuinely seeking advice, not judgment.

My husband has always been quite private with his phone. He often turns his body away when using it. It’s something I’ve noticed over the years and, while it makes me a little uncomfortable, I’ve generally brushed it off. He works hard, treats me well, and supports our family (me and our three children), so I’ve never had any real concerns. I just find the behaviour a bit secretive. When I’ve mentioned it before, he’s always dismissed it as nothing.

Recently, though, I briefly noticed he has the app Telegram on his phone. From what I understand, it’s a private messaging app, but it’s not something he’s ever mentioned to me, which caught my attention. I didn’t say anything to him about seeing it. It seems odd that he has it....

Then this morning, while using our family iPad, I realised his Gmail account had been linked overnight when he used it. When I went to use the search function, I could see some of his recent Google searches from his phone. One of them was: “Why can I only message contacts on Telegram.”

I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but taken together, it’s left me feeling uneasy. I’m not very tech-savvy and don’t really understand what Telegram is used for. I’d really appreciate any insight into the app, or thoughts on whether I might be overthinking this.

Anyone? Am I overreacting to be worried about this?

As you can see, there's numerous uses for it. So it won't give you any answers.

Do you have any other reason to be suspicious? that's the key thing. That + secretive phone behaviour wouldn't look good. But if nothing else is suspicious he may well have it for a legitimate reason.

I'd just say "I happened to notice you have Telegram, what is it etc" and see what he says.

I have telegram & I only use it for several groups Im in via facebook that sends links to things I might like to buy from Hacoo/DH Gate etc. The people running these prefer Telegram to WhatsApp for whatever reason but from my point of view I use them the same as I do for the WhatsApp groups I'm in. There is nothing at all wrong with using Telegram as an app - it just depends on what groups he is in/messaging. Not everyone likes WhatsApp so may use Telegram instead.

The people who I know who use telegram- it’s for dodgy dealings - and I don’t mean affairs.

i’d well be wanting a look at his phone. i’d be looking at the pin code every opportunity i couod and having a shufti when he wasn’t looking. if it’s all legit he shouldn’t mind. but i think we all know hes up to somethimg, be it drugs arms dealings or an affair.

Telegram is a bit different I think to whatsapp as you don't show your number, just a user name. So easier to join random groups anonymously.

Some ridiculous posts on here.
OP - you either trust him or you don't.

if I saw my husband was using a new app, it wouldn't even cross my mind to wonder why. So why has it crossed yours?

If you don't trust your husband, why not? Can you remain in a relationship with someone you don't trust - regardless of whether anything is actually going on.

Lots of OnlyFans girls use Telegram for the obvious reason it's mostly men on their and makes it much easier to hide a chat conversation than on Whatsapp.

lots of people use it - my next door neighbour prefers it ( she’s from the US )

The suspicious bit is perhaps that he is hiding it . Could he be up to anything dodgy ?

I have Telegram and Signal on my phone along with WhatsAppand im a middle aged woman (I would bet anyone working in IT would use Telegram). Exactly like when WhatsApp started, these apps are very popular for secretive things, like cheating, messaging prostitutes, drug dealing etc, but increasingly also for more benign things eg all the locals round here use it to contact some Turkish bloke for knock off designer gear, teenagers use it for dodgy football viewing streams (like all of their mates) as well as legitimate uses, increasingly, like business communications, share dealing etc.

Only you can know whether it's suspicious in your husband's case. Keep an eye.

MN are weird about phone privacy between couples. They share a bed and body fluids but NEVER a phone password: oh no, no, NO!

I'd focus less on Telegram, because you're not going to get answers that will alleviate your anxiety without actually knowing. You're not going to get answers that alleviate your anxiety because it's his behaviour that is causing the distress about the app, not the app itself.

So you have one of 2 options:

Sit him down for a very serious discussion about his long-term secrecy over phone use, why it makes you legitimately feel insecure and why it's dismissive and inappropriate to simply deny your very real feelings exist. You can then ask to see his phone. Anyone who doesn't have a bonafide controlling twat for a partner should have no problem doing this.

Bide your time and snoop through his through. Yes it's duplicitous, but most of the time that's the only way to actually get the truth. You have three children – I wouldn't mess about with getting straight up answers.

Encrochat is more organised crime - drugs, people trafficking etc not high end crime by oligarchs etc in my experience.

It’s not the app you need to be worried about. It’s the secrecy and DARVO response when asked about it.

Telegram is used by a lot of people up to no good (recreational sex and so forth - fine if you are not married or in an open relationship, BUT!)

It would concern me if a partner had it and I believed the relationship to be exclusive.

I would ask what they were using it for. Just based on personal experience.

A lot of scammers use Telegram pretending to be someone famous. You can hide your number unlike WhatsApp.

I don’t look at my husband’s phone and he doesn’t look at mine! I wouldn’t like it either. I have ‘girly’ chats on there I would feel uncomfortable him reading and he has cars etc on his which would bore me

In these times of censorship, Telegram is the best way of following certain groups who have been deplatformed or need to reach audiences without being found. Think sharing of Russian failures, or seeing what prominent 'anti vacxers' are saying.

It's also a secure service if you're sending sensitive info - which may or may not be illegal etc. Could just be work based

I think the furtive turning away from you, rather than Telegram use, is the bigger issue.

It is an encrypted message app that is used for communication, sometimes advertising illegal activities like drug deliveries, local protests, prostitution and also as a normal messenger.
Its security is high like the dark web it bounces around different encryption servers.

Most of the people I know who use Telegram are Russian

Exactly this. I know a couple of people who use it because they are paranoid about the security of their messages, even though they have nothing to hide. The rest are buying drugs or speaking to sex workers etc.

Telegram comes up as a hot topic in my line of work often, not in a good way.

Well i think it's weird to want to look at someone else's phone, no matter who it is. It strongly suggests a general lack of trust.
I have absolutely nothing to hide from my DH on my phone but I'd question why he'd want to look at it if he asked.

I remember a post-Pelicot trial German news story about 70,000 men being in a similar telegram chat group.

Well, my ExDP started being secretive about his phone. Sitting beside him, if I glanced at it, he's turn the screen away.
Found out later he'd been seeing another woman. Now my ExDp so I'd say OP beware.

While it is just a messaging app like WhatsApp the fact he hasn't told you he has it is weird.

I'd keep quiet and just snoop when possible see who is messaging.

Because people are entitled to privacy even in a relationship.

Any partner of mine demanding to see my phone would be told in no uncertain terms that wasn't happening. It's not healthy to pander to someone's insecurity, and nor am I going to be subject to emotional blackmail.

My phone is my personal phone and not anyone else's business, partner or otherwise. Don't like that, you know where the door is.