AIBU to be worried about husband's internet use. (What is Telegram)

[Kiki92]

Hi all,

I’m looking for some perspective... please no nasty comments. I’m genuinely seeking advice, not judgment.

My husband has always been quite private with his phone. He often turns his body away when using it. It’s something I’ve noticed over the years and, while it makes me a little uncomfortable, I’ve generally brushed it off. He works hard, treats me well, and supports our family (me and our three children), so I’ve never had any real concerns. I just find the behaviour a bit secretive. When I’ve mentioned it before, he’s always dismissed it as nothing.

Recently, though, I briefly noticed he has the app Telegram on his phone. From what I understand, it’s a private messaging app, but it’s not something he’s ever mentioned to me, which caught my attention. I didn’t say anything to him about seeing it. It seems odd that he has it....

Then this morning, while using our family iPad, I realised his Gmail account had been linked overnight when he used it. When I went to use the search function, I could see some of his recent Google searches from his phone. One of them was: “Why can I only message contacts on Telegram.”

I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but taken together, it’s left me feeling uneasy. I’m not very tech-savvy and don’t really understand what Telegram is used for. I’d really appreciate any insight into the app, or thoughts on whether I might be overthinking this.

Anyone? Am I overreacting to be worried about this?

Have you talked to him about why he is so secretive about his phone use?

Have you ever asked him to let you to lookat his phone? If he is doing nothing underhand he should be happy to let you look to reassure you.

I don't personally have experience of Telegram but from what I read on MN and other places it is often used by cheaters, although I understand it does have legitimate uses.

I have a secondary messaging app Signal, I got it when WhatsApp fell over. Not secretive with it, it’s just a back up.

Telegram is just like WhatsApp. Join it and he will get a notification. See what his reaction is.

Hiya

Yeah, I've asked him why he's so secretive a couple of times. It's met with flat out denial, and makes me feel ridiculous. I wouldn't dream of asking to see his phone - it would NOT be well received.

What are the legitimate uses of Telegram?

Agreed but honestly i dont think this looks good and rightly or wrongly i'd be having a bit of a snoop

Why wouldn’t it be well received? How ridiculous. I’d happily let me husband look at my phone if I wanted to it’s just full of messages about mundane stuff!

I had to join telegram in my last role as work colleagues used it (popular in my industry to communicate with third parties). Loads of my social contacts were on it so i assume lots of people use it for work or social messaging.

I have friends who use it because they work in some kind of cybersecurity and they want something more secure (?). I have friends who use it to get links to sports streams rather than paying for Sky, and friends who use it to buy their hooky streaming boxes and get them set up. I have friends who use it because they're buying drugs.

A whole range of things from 'not suspicious at all' to 'very'.

Its a messaging app like whatsapp, the question he asked is normally because he has messaged numbers outside his contacts so his account has been restricted

Personally, I would put the Telegram app on my phone and message him 'hi🖐' and see what he comes back with

I am a criminal defence lawyer specialising in ultra high net worth individuals. They all use telegram as they feel it is the most secure way to communicate so I have also had to download it for work. Extremely popular with Indian and Russian clients. Fingers crossed he is a master criminal and not using it for a covert relationship.

I was on a PTA where the treasurer got comms moved to Telegram as they prefer it because of the encryption.

My old boss liked to use it for secure communication. However, I used to get added to random group chats on it! I found it incredibly insecure in that respect. I was so happy to be able to get rid of it!

He might just have one or two friends who are not WhatsApp users.

As a pp said, download it yourself and he will get notified.

A lot of people use Telegram to watch football on dodgy streams. I'm sure there are many more troubling uses (and perfectly legitimate ones)

Telegram is often used to message work contacts, as it's considered more secure than WhatsApp. I had to use Telegram and Signal for work.

If it were on his work phone I likely wouldn't bat an eyelid, but it's on his personal one. I don't know, I just have a very weird feeling about it.

I would be troubled by his secretiveness. Telegram is dodgy because it has end-to-end encryption and is run by the Russians. But I don’t know what you can do about all this, really. If you do have serious suspicions about him then you should notify the police.

I’ve not heard of Telegram being used for anything good. It has a reputation as being used for drugs and other illegal things. I would raise an eyebrow, combined with the secrecy. However, could be for a perfectly valid reason, it’s an app offered by app stores at the end of the day.

I use it to help my son plan his Pokemon Go raid attendance! All the local players are on there and there is a function to set up events and say whether you're attending. It's the only thing I use it for. So that is a legitimate use. I don't know anyone who uses it just for chatting. If your husband is a gamer I think it is quite widely used in those communities.

My sister uses it for work (legal profession).

Telegram is just a way of communicating with others. So it's as legit as the person using it.

If noticed a new app on my husband's phone, which is unlikely as I have absolutely no idea what apps he has and does not have generally, I wouldn't think that he was cheating on me.

So there's got to be more to this. If there isn't more to it and I think it's not very fair on him to just assume he is cheating because he happens to be using a different Mesenger app from you and you have noticed he turns his body away when he uses his phone. I definitely feel that as you have three children, you should get up to speed with technology and it might make you feel a little bit more confident talking with him about it and why he uses it.

Telegram is like WhatsApp but with elements of social media, ie there are channels which broadcast news, essays, opinions in a blog-style

By itself it’s not suspicious, it depends what he’s reading there and who he is talking to

dont be ridiculous, millions of people use it instead of WhatsApp. It’s just less popular in Europe because people use mainly WhatsApp

OP you are right to be a bit worried and cautious. My money is on he is up to something 100%

EncroChat, anyone?

It's very much like Russian Discord.

It can be used innocuously, but it does seem to have got a lot of publicity for being used for dodgy things like drugs, pirated streams, and sex offender rings (like this paedophile ring and this sexual exploitation ring) often operate on Telegram. Combined with his secrecy, I'd be concerned.