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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this understandable?

388 replies

Furning · 01/02/2026 14:08

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days.

We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up.

The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids.

She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up.

I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house?

AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

OP posts:
Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 22:25

The room service in this hotel is most definitely not awful.

She isn’t at home. She’s in a hotel. With chefs and a menu and no need to cook.

AND I WAS NOT INVITED TO THE HOTEL.

OP posts:
wordler · 01/02/2026 22:28

Furning · 01/02/2026 22:22

In response to the dozens of posts telling me she’s an incapable, skint, hungry mess.

Show quote history

No one has said those words at all.

You told us that you had a friend that had travelled across Europe with a six year old, a toddler and a baby to spend a week’s vacation in a hotel. And instead of doing all her plans including seeing you she spent the whole week stuck inside with all three children.

That sounds like someone struggling with a situation - temporary, short-term, long-term who knows? But it’s not a normal, happy, well functioning situation.

So again either she was lying to you about not leaving the hotel for a week,

or she was really struggling with something.

In which case you are being VVV unreasonable to make it all about you.

PhaedraWas · 01/02/2026 22:41

And instead of doing all her plans including seeing you she spent the whole week stuck inside with all three children.

Where was the sister then? The friend was on holiday with her sister-was she stuck in the hotel all week too?

The excuses being made for the friend are risible.

wordler · 01/02/2026 23:05

PhaedraWas · 01/02/2026 22:41

And instead of doing all her plans including seeing you she spent the whole week stuck inside with all three children.

Where was the sister then? The friend was on holiday with her sister-was she stuck in the hotel all week too?

The excuses being made for the friend are risible.

Edited

Who knows - we are only going on what the OP said. She said kids couldn’t be left with the sister so presumably either the sister is also stuck inside all week or has decided to go out occasionally.

The friend is either flaky and not bothered about the OP in which case she should let the friendship go or the friend is seriously struggling and has had a pretty shit week.

On what we’ve been told by the OP it could be either scenario.

Penelopeandherpitstop · 01/02/2026 23:05

Good grief, the "but did you bring snacks?" obsession on this thread is ridiculous!

EdithBond · 01/02/2026 23:07

Furning · 01/02/2026 21:59

Surely you have a different relationship with each of your friends and not a blanket approach? I have some friends I talk to almost every day and see a couple of times a week. I have seem I see every month or so.

I have some I message regularly but only see every couple of months for a weekend away.

And I have others like my friend where we don’t speak very often and don’t see each other very often, but always know we are there and can be called upon.

I wanted to know if people thought if I was unreasonable to be upset. A few saner posters have said they could understand why she’s struggled and to give her the benefit of the doubt. But those who have said I hate her kids, hate all kids, should’ve kept offering options, should’ve wanted to take responsibility for her children, should holiday with her children, should buy her snacks and wine, should text her to say she doesn’t have to get dressed, that I should fly over and see her and her children without expecting anything reciprocatal or a conversation, that I don’t care about our friendship, that I’m not a good friend etc etc. are completely batshit and the type you see time and time again on AIBU who completely lack comprehension and reading skills, or just enjoy being cunts. Or they just feel very passionately about snacks.

Either way, can’t be arsed with them.

Show quote history

By your own admission, you haven’t actually spoken to this ‘friend’ for two years:

We’ve never FaceTimed or spoken on the phone and I don’t think either of us would want to start.

In which time she’s (possibly) had two babies, certainly one pregnancy and has given birth only 6 months ago.

Instead of actually speaking to her and asking if she’s OK, even when you appear to have concerns about how much support she has from her husband, you’ve asked strangers on the internet if you’re being unreasonable to be upset she didn’t make more effort to see you.

When she’d travelled all the way to your city with v young children, had arranged to see you twice. But then couldn’t make it because her toddler was so demanding she didn’t actually leave the hotel for any reason for a whole week, even with her sister’s support.

Yet you seem to think she should’ve dragged all her kids out in -8 to a park or soft play centre where the toddler would still likely cling and scream, making it impossible to talk. Or should’ve invited you in to her (no doubt hugely messy) hotel room either with a clingy, screaming toddler or one or two sleeping children who’d no doubt wake up at the sound of anything other than a hushed whisper or a turned on light.

When people have responded to your requests and given their view, some have been met with your nasty, ill-informed judgment, referred to as less sane, unable to read or comprehend and as c**ts.

I’ve read every word. I understand your perspective. I’m perfectly sane.

I still think YABU. And unnecessarily unpleasant.

wordler · 01/02/2026 23:08

Penelopeandherpitstop · 01/02/2026 23:05

Good grief, the "but did you bring snacks?" obsession on this thread is ridiculous!

FFS the only person obsessed with snacks is the OP.

I suggested bringing lunch, wine and treat for the kids because that’s what I’d do for my friends in the same situation.

fashionqueen0123 · 01/02/2026 23:08

Furning · 01/02/2026 14:24

Yes! Did not leave the hotel except for one attempt to go to the park.

Show quote history

If the toddler was screaming surely getting out of the room would have been easier! The thought of being in a hotel room all day…!!

Penelopeandherpitstop · 01/02/2026 23:08

Furning · 01/02/2026 22:25

The room service in this hotel is most definitely not awful.

She isn’t at home. She’s in a hotel. With chefs and a menu and no need to cook.

AND I WAS NOT INVITED TO THE HOTEL.

Clearly shirking your friend responsibilities there, OP. This was your chance for a daring snack mission. Simply unbelievable you wouldn't do this for a friend in need.

fashionqueen0123 · 01/02/2026 23:14

Furning · 01/02/2026 17:07

Mmm. This is a horrible thought, but not one I could rule out. She was unhappy last time I spoke to her. It is so hard to speak to her though.

Show quote history

It would link in with the wanting to get back to her husband thing at a meal

Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 23:16

wordler · 01/02/2026 23:05

Who knows - we are only going on what the OP said. She said kids couldn’t be left with the sister so presumably either the sister is also stuck inside all week or has decided to go out occasionally.

The friend is either flaky and not bothered about the OP in which case she should let the friendship go or the friend is seriously struggling and has had a pretty shit week.

On what we’ve been told by the OP it could be either scenario.

Show quote history

Fucking Hell, how many times? The toddler couldn’t be left with her sister.

OP posts:
Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 23:19

EdithBond · 01/02/2026 23:07

By your own admission, you haven’t actually spoken to this ‘friend’ for two years:

We’ve never FaceTimed or spoken on the phone and I don’t think either of us would want to start.

In which time she’s (possibly) had two babies, certainly one pregnancy and has given birth only 6 months ago.

Instead of actually speaking to her and asking if she’s OK, even when you appear to have concerns about how much support she has from her husband, you’ve asked strangers on the internet if you’re being unreasonable to be upset she didn’t make more effort to see you.

When she’d travelled all the way to your city with v young children, had arranged to see you twice. But then couldn’t make it because her toddler was so demanding she didn’t actually leave the hotel for any reason for a whole week, even with her sister’s support.

Yet you seem to think she should’ve dragged all her kids out in -8 to a park or soft play centre where the toddler would still likely cling and scream, making it impossible to talk. Or should’ve invited you in to her (no doubt hugely messy) hotel room either with a clingy, screaming toddler or one or two sleeping children who’d no doubt wake up at the sound of anything other than a hushed whisper or a turned on light.

When people have responded to your requests and given their view, some have been met with your nasty, ill-informed judgment, referred to as less sane, unable to read or comprehend and as c**ts.

I’ve read every word. I understand your perspective. I’m perfectly sane.

I still think YABU. And unnecessarily unpleasant.

Show quote history

I said I hadn’t spoken my phone or WhatsApp, not that we haven’t spoken. Our communication has always been via text.

She’s had one baby in that time. She dragged herself here… but couldn’t see me. That is simply not my fault.

OP posts:
Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 23:20

wordler · 01/02/2026 23:08

FFS the only person obsessed with snacks is the OP.

I suggested bringing lunch, wine and treat for the kids because that’s what I’d do for my friends in the same situation.

Show quote history

Would you take lunch and wine if you were meeting in a restaurant too?

OP posts:
FrodoBiggins · 01/02/2026 23:22

wordler · 01/02/2026 21:02

You didn’t answer my question - do you have the type of friendship that is relaxed and happy with a messy, casual catch up in each other’s hotel room, without any need to dress up, or worry about cleaning up any mess in the room. Who’d be happy with a couple of sandwiches from M&S and to share a bottle of prosecco using the glasses from the hotel bathroom, while being interrupted by the kids?

I have friends who I feel comfortable enough when having a bad week to be that relaxed with.

I have other friends who are great fun to meet up with when everything is going well but can’t roll with the messy stuff.

You keep mentioning room service. I’d never expect a friend to order overpriced alcohol and often very limited room service food for me.

You keep saying how capable your friend has always been.

So in this scenario she wasn’t coping for some reason in which case give her grace

or

She’s just not that into you anymore - so let it drift away.

Show quote history

Why on earth would you eat packaged sandwiches and drink prosecco out of a water glass in a nice hotel?
OP's friend is both rich, and presumably saving tonnes of money on the holiday by not doing anything at all. Anyway I agree with OP it's so infantilising to say "oh don't worry if you look like shit I'll come round with bovril and a bit of cheese" when friend has repeatedly made it clear she can't see her at all. Leaving the ball in her court was the right thing to do.

OP though I do wonder if it's deeper given your suspicions about DH issues, and now her obviously feeling bad about it and messaging you a lot. She might be going through some stuff. But I would still give her space.

Stompythedinosaur · 01/02/2026 23:23

I think what's surprising me on this thread is how the op describes an alleged friend having a really horrible experience, but can only focus on her own feelings because this meant her plans were disrupted.

It honestly doesn't sound like you care about her.

Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 23:24

Penelopeandherpitstop · 01/02/2026 23:08

Clearly shirking your friend responsibilities there, OP. This was your chance for a daring snack mission. Simply unbelievable you wouldn't do this for a friend in need.

Show quote history

I should’ve tried to smuggle them in through the six year old I should’ve taken out.

OP posts:
FrodoBiggins · 01/02/2026 23:25

Stompythedinosaur · 01/02/2026 23:23

I think what's surprising me on this thread is how the op describes an alleged friend having a really horrible experience, but can only focus on her own feelings because this meant her plans were disrupted.

It honestly doesn't sound like you care about her.

Having a clingy child is not "a really horrible experience" though, it's a rubbish holiday but it's not - as someone also described the journey - "traumatic".
OP is miffed, as I would be if my friend was that close and couldn't find a single moment for me in a week.

PhaedraWas · 01/02/2026 23:28

wordler · 01/02/2026 23:08

FFS the only person obsessed with snacks is the OP.

I suggested bringing lunch, wine and treat for the kids because that’s what I’d do for my friends in the same situation.

Show quote history

That's not true. There was at least one poster wittering on about bringing Pringles and I'm sure there were others talking about bringing stuff.

PhaedraWas · 01/02/2026 23:30

wordler · 01/02/2026 23:08

FFS the only person obsessed with snacks is the OP.

I suggested bringing lunch, wine and treat for the kids because that’s what I’d do for my friends in the same situation.

Show quote history

Edited to delete duplicate post

Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 23:33

FrodoBiggins · 01/02/2026 23:22

Why on earth would you eat packaged sandwiches and drink prosecco out of a water glass in a nice hotel?
OP's friend is both rich, and presumably saving tonnes of money on the holiday by not doing anything at all. Anyway I agree with OP it's so infantilising to say "oh don't worry if you look like shit I'll come round with bovril and a bit of cheese" when friend has repeatedly made it clear she can't see her at all. Leaving the ball in her court was the right thing to do.

OP though I do wonder if it's deeper given your suspicions about DH issues, and now her obviously feeling bad about it and messaging you a lot. She might be going through some stuff. But I would still give her space.

Show quote history

The poster has also mentioned how awful it is that I expect my friend to order expensive alcohol and food for me. I never mentioned anything of the sort - only that my friend doesn’t need me bringing snacks and M&S sandwiches round when she’s got a kitchen and chefs at her disposal.

Anyway, yes, I think you’re right. I think I’m going to message and see if there’s any way she can get away for a night. Just to try and check there’s nothing deeper going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 23:34

Stompythedinosaur · 01/02/2026 23:23

I think what's surprising me on this thread is how the op describes an alleged friend having a really horrible experience, but can only focus on her own feelings because this meant her plans were disrupted.

It honestly doesn't sound like you care about her.

Well, it is my thread. I’m not discussing it with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 23:36

PhaedraWas · 01/02/2026 23:28

That's not true. There was at least one poster wittering on about bringing Pringles and I'm sure there were others talking about bringing stuff.

Show quote history

There was also the carpet picnic suggestion.

The mind boggles.

OP posts:
FrodoBiggins · 01/02/2026 23:47

Furning · 01/02/2026 23:36

There was also the carpet picnic suggestion.

The mind boggles.

Show quote history

Pyjama carpet picnic with the ubiquitous naked toddler

AgingLikeGazpacho · 02/02/2026 00:05

I have a pretty hardcore toddler who was also a very emotional (spicy) baby so can imagine what OPs friend went through on this trip.

Bundling the kid on the plane is easy when you're filled with optimism that the kid will settle once you're in the hotel / adjusted after a few days.

Then it rapidly dawns on you on day 2 that this kid is not going to calm down, and if anything they're getting more dysregulated due to your own stress levels from having dealt with constant tantrums for days on end (largely unsupported by anyone competent).

I can imagine your friend was actually deeply disappointed in not being able to see you but simply didn't have the bandwidth to figure out a way of making it happen in a way where both of you could have a pleasant time

In a few years hopefully her children will be older and she can travel solo, but I think in this case she was probably desperate to socialise and hopelessly naive about the practicalities of making it happen / the toddler has become harder in the interval between booking the trip and the trip actually occurring

Just basing the above suggestions on my own last few holidays with my toddler, who I adore, but is hard work and did not make pleasant work of any of the trips we went on (in fact it took 1 week of me being back at work to recover from our christmas trip to Poland!)

wordler · 02/02/2026 00:06

Furning · 01/02/2026 23:36

There was also the carpet picnic suggestion.

The mind boggles.

Show quote history

It's fun for six year olds to do that kind of thing when stuck in a hotel for a week. If my friend had a six year old stuck in a hotel for a week I'd love to do something to help entertain her.