AIBU or is this understandable?

[Furning]

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days.

We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up.

The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids.

She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up.

I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house?

AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

We can’t know which one it is - and I’m not sure the OP fully knows but you are right she’s a grown up with a brain who flew across Europe with three young kids so either she’s lying to the OP and couldn’t be bothered to meet her or she’s genuinely struggling and couldn’t manage to meet her.

I feel sympathetic to scenario where she couldn’t manage it because right now I have something similar, not with children but by caring for disabled spouse who I have to physically move from bed, to wheelchair, to toilet to shower. I dress him, clean him, do absolutely all the other life chores and it’s exhausting all the time.

Friends keep suggesting meet ups as a treat to get out of the house. In principle it’s a nice idea and I do miss spending time with them but by the time I have got DH ready, I have very little energy to dress myself - I haven’t had the energy to put on makeup for months.

The friends who phone and say if you are free I can bring lunch to you, all you need to do is be available I will take care of everything else are angels. They don’t care if I haven’t brushed my hair, or if DH is still in his hospital bed when they arrive. They will sort out the table and the food - they clean up before they go.

The OP’s friend’s scenario sounded stressful - if true that the toddler had not adjusted to the travel and she was cancelling all her plans and spending the whole week in the hotel not going out - which is what the OP claimed happened.

If my friend was going through that, then yes, I’d come up with a creative solution to offer that made it clear there was no pressure to dress up, no pressure to stress about kids misbehaving, no pressure to worry about cleaning up.

I don’t know. She has been a very good friend to me over the years.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder about her husband.

Wrong about what?

The way you are approaching this situation.

You do realise this is AIBU, right? Posters are allowed to say when they think you’re being unreasonable. One might even say it’s the point of the forum.

I do believe the toddler was struggling.

I’m not sure a walk, park or soft play suggests I’m expecting her to dress up. No idea what cleaning up she’d be expected to do in any scenario.

This is her third child. I have seen her many, many times with the first two and have never complained about spending time with her children, who of course behave like children. Nor have I complained when her useless husband cannot look after them for one evening alone and we’ve had to cut dinners short to go back to hers, as I’ve already said.

So why now would she suddenly need me to spell out… what exactly? That I know she has kids? That I know how kids behave?

I am going to message her offering to fly to visit her. Whilst there I will clean her house and look after the children. I might be able to take the children away for the weekend. I’ll let her know I don’t expect her to converse with me in anyway. Of course, I’ll take snacks (and juice for the kids).

Sorted.

Tell me more?

The going out scenario for a walk/park requires actually dressing not ‘dressing up’ - when you are exhausted because dealing with three young kids away from home and your usual environment) getting all three kids and yourself dressed in clothes and coats and shoes appropriate for the weather may have felt too much to manage.

If you’ve ever stayed in a hotel room with three young kids for more than a few days particularly if one is being difficult then there is often stuff everywhere - unmade beds etc - perhaps she was too embarrassed to have you witness the chaos. Would you have been judgmental in that scenario, would she assume that?

Your replies are very confusing to me. You talk about her being a good friend over the years.

She was either struggling too much to manage a meet up with you (under the options you offered)

Or she’s not the friend you remember and you are not that important to her.

You either give her the benefit of the doubt or you don’t.

I’ve told you that I would have given her the benefit of the doubt and would have tried to see if I could facilitate a way of meeting that shouldered the burden of the meetup for a struggling friend.

It’s been eye opening for me since my DH became sick how people react.

Why are you explaining to me what the difference between dressing and dressing up is?

I don’t think you’re wrong. You clearly live your life in a v different way to me and my friends. For instance, I speak to my friends regularly. You don’t.

To each her own. There’s no wrong or right.

You asked for views. You asked if it was to be expected when travelling with kids. I gave my view, as I’ve travelled with three kids of those ages. My answer was effectively, yes, it is to be expected with kids of those ages in certain circumstances.

Women can have abusive, unsupportive partners. Women can have postpartum depression. Women can struggle when they are the sole carer for three very young children. It can be very difficult to tell people about, especially people you haven’t seen or spoken to for years. That’s why I suggested actually talking to your friend, as have others.

If you don’t want to hear views, and approaches which differ from your own, why ask? It appears you’ve decided that your friend is at fault. That’s fine. You know her. We don’t.

This is definitely one of those occasions where you are not interested to know if you are unreasonable. I’m wondering if you yourself would have happily taken your son for a walk with a friend in -8 temperatures when he was 6 months old?

Surely we've established the real problem here was how remiss you were in failing to bring SNACKS!

Of course it's all about the snacks, what other possible reasons could there be for her actions?! In fact, it's highly likely the only reason she visited your city in the first place was to sample whatever local snack type delicacy it's famous for. If you were a true friend you'd have known this. Clearly even when she cancelled plans and was vague and non-committal in her responses she was expecting you to know that what she really wanted was to bring some of said delicacies/snacks, and your failure to mind read that obvious social cue has rightly sent you to the friend naughty step.

Your friendship could have been saved if only you'd ignored what she actually messaged you (or didn't message) and made sure you got those precious snacks to her hotel room like you were reenacting the Cadbury's Milk Tray man advert😂

In all seriousness there are some bonkers responses on this thread! OP you're not being unreasonable at all.

Because you said to me

I’m not sure a walk, park or soft play suggests I’m expecting her to dress up.

And my point was being too exhausted to get dressed at all and get everyone else dressed - not dressed up.

You can’t seem to envisage a scenario where your friend has too much on her plate with this particular situation to meet your expectations for this meet up.

You haven’t once answered the question about whether you’d have been happy just hanging out in her room no matter what state everyone was in. And whether your friend knows you’d be happy with that.

Oh I did read. I am also a mum. I don't think you need to want to take the kids out alone, but I get the impression you primarily wanted to talk to the mum not play with the kids, which is fine, but frankly in a park or a soft play with kids those ages, I would have spent the time struggling to hold the baby while chasing the toddler! Unless we were meeting because you WANTED to play with /help look after my kids, there would have been little point in meeting.

Surely you have a different relationship with each of your friends and not a blanket approach? I have some friends I talk to almost every day and see a couple of times a week. I have seem I see every month or so.

I have some I message regularly but only see every couple of months for a weekend away.

And I have others like my friend where we don’t speak very often and don’t see each other very often, but always know we are there and can be called upon.

I wanted to know if people thought if I was unreasonable to be upset. A few saner posters have said they could understand why she’s struggled and to give her the benefit of the doubt. But those who have said I hate her kids, hate all kids, should’ve kept offering options, should’ve wanted to take responsibility for her children, should holiday with her children, should buy her snacks and wine, should text her to say she doesn’t have to get dressed, that I should fly over and see her and her children without expecting anything reciprocatal or a conversation, that I don’t care about our friendship, that I’m not a good friend etc etc. are completely batshit and the type you see time and time again on AIBU who completely lack comprehension and reading skills, or just enjoy being cunts. Or they just feel very passionately about snacks.

Either way, can’t be arsed with them.

😂 I took my son on many, many walks at temperatures colder than that at much younger than six months!

Whenever I meet up with friends now I am going to take snacks. Just so they know I am supportive.

You are being very obtuse about ‘snacks’

Your OP said you were hoping to meet up for lunch or perhaps dinner and a glass of wine.

If she can’t leave the room why not do drinks and food in her room with her in lieu of going out.

We were suggesting you brought the food and drinks because for one it’s a nice thing to do to take one less task of off a busy Mum’s plate and it avoids overpriced hotel room-service or minibars.

Okay. You literally said dress up though - If my friend was going through that, then yes, I’d come up with a creative solution to offer that made it clear there was no pressure to dress up

I’d have been more than happy to go to a coffee in her room which is why I told her I’d go to the hotel. She clearly didn’t want me to. I don’t know what other answer you want me to give. I am sorry for your situation but I’m not sure it’s really anything like this one.

Oh come on. It’s a park with kids. I’m at parks with my friends and their kids often and regularly take my nieces. It’s kids in a park, of course you can talk to the other adults you’re with.

When I first read your post I thought YANBU - I think I would have found it bizarre that someone couldn’t manage a meet up in a week when it’s your one chance to see each other and that she didn’t leave the hotel room at all.

However some of the replies have made me rethink and see a different perspective. But you don’t seem willing to accept any of those and have come across quite harsh in some of your replies - keep harping on about how she is an intelligent, capable, well off woman with access to room service. That may be the case but if she does have PPD or similar then that is completely irrelevant as it can be crippling and means she doesn’t feel able to do the things she would normally do. But it could just be be she decided she didn’t want to see you after all. Guess you’ll never know.

Either way, the more you have posted, the more it seems clear your relationship has probably run its course. Happens all the time - were great mates in your younger child free days but drift apart and end up in different circumstances. No falling out or wrongdoing - just different friends for different stages of your life.

If the situation with her kids was bad enough that she literally didn't leave the hotel room, it must have been extremely difficult. It isn't like she blew you off for a better offer. She was obviously having an awful time. I would assume the dc were extremely distressed.

So I think that you could bear to be a bit more empathetic.

That’s why I asked in my very first reply to you how exactly you suggested you could meet her at her hotel.

You said I can meet you at the hotel - I assume you meant go to her room to hang out?

With some friends I’d be thrilled and would know that they’d be cool with any mess or screaming toddlers and I’d encourage them to come and find us as we are.

With others I know they’d be at best a bit irritated by the chaos of three small kids in a hotel room and at worst annoyed and fed up that I wasn’t in top of everything. So I’d only want to meet up when I wasn’t struggling. So I’d say ‘I’ll let you know’ and hope that things improved enough to meet up.

I did not say that in the OP. We originally arranged lunch. Then when it became clear the toddler was unsettled I suggest more child friendly activities, none of which she said yes to.

I wasn’t invited to the hotel, regardless of snacks and the very strange idea of me taking over a, presumably cold, lunch rather than her ordering hot, well cooked meals prepared by actual chefs.

In response to the dozens of posts telling me she’s an incapable, skint, hungry mess.

For a start room service is often awful and very very overpriced.

But have you also never taken food to a friend’s house for a get together?