AIBU or is this understandable?

[Furning]

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days.

We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up.

The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids.

She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up.

I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house?

AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

Like eating on the floor?

The OP was never invited to the hotel.

Thank you!!!!

Your friend in this scenario does not want you to go.

I honestly don't see what's so strange about bringing gifts of food to a friend. Or taking things to a hotel. There are a few of us stuck in a hotel for over a week now because of the severe storm in the USA at the moment and we have vulnerable family members we couldn't risk being stuck in a rural location.

We all have suites with kitchens and there are obviously take out options and the hotel room service. But we've all brought our own supplies - someone even has a full cocktail bar offerings.

If I had an old friend in this town and we couldn't get out to see them because of the snow (substitute for meltdown toddler in OP's scenario) I think it would be wonderful if they wanted to bring dinner over to the hotel, or just wine etc.

When my DD was a baby I flew back to the UK many times and stayed in London hotels - again similar scenario friends would come to me if I couldn't make it out to them and they'd offer to bring food and wine so we could make a night of it together in a more relaxed setting.

If I'd told an old friend that I was coming to London for a week partly to see them and then I kept cancelling and said I hadn't been able to leave the hotel for a week they would be extremely worried about me and for me, not for themselves.

Well, if you made an offer of a casual hotel visit where they didn't have to prep, prepare or order anything for you and they rejected that specific offer then again either:

You are right this friendship has run its course and they are not bothered about seeing you

Or your friend was really struggling and needs your sympathy and not judgement.

Have you never done an indoor picnic with small children - they love the novelty.

She had an upset toddler, she hadn’t vanished off the face of the earth. What would your extremely concerned friends do? Offer child friendly activities? Offer to come to them? Offer their home? What else?

I did not know how popular it was to eat pre-made, uncooked food in hotel rooms (and call it dinner). Anyway, I thought the point of the food was to make things easier for her because she initially allegedly didn’t have time for food and needed me to feed her and her children. Then, having sorted out how easy it actually is to lift a phone receiver, the problem became that room service wasn’t nice. Once established it is a nice hotel, it is now that it’s just a fun thing to eat prepackaged sandwiches in a hotel room.

But I was not invited to the hotel so she obviously didn’t want to make a night of it in that setting.

Yes when bored of having the same old meals at home.

I imagine room service in a hotel in a new city is rather more of a novelty though. Or even venturing to the hotel restaurant or cafe/bar if OP friend could have stretched to that. But it's all irrelevant because OP offered to go to the hotel and friend said no

😂 What on Earth are you talking about? Maybe your hotel room experience is affecting you.

People don’t message their friends suggesting plans which involve instructions about what the other person needs to wear, prep, or prepare (or otherwise). You seem determined to insist that my friend would’ve loved nothing more than me turning up (with food). She clearly didn’t want me there.

@Furning I'm afraid I can only conclude that some people here have either never been to a hotel or never had a friend. Or both?

If all it was was an upset toddler then your friend, who you keep telling us is a capable adult woman who managed to get three children across Europe, and had her sister with her, would not have had to cancel all her plans and stay in a hotel and not go out for a whole week.

If you believe her when she tells you that's what happened, then something was seriously wrong.

I've forgotten the timeline now but if you only discovered that she'd not been out of the hotel the whole week after the week was over - then there's not much you could do. But now you know that's the scenario I don't understand why you've jumped to calling her flaky or rude before worrying about her.

Unless deep down you don't believe her, and you think she just couldn't be bothered to make the effort and has made an excuse.

That would certainly explain it.

If I was to be generous I’d think that maybe people were imagining a Premier Inn with limited food, but having been told it’s a nice hotel and, crucially, that I was not invited, I have no idea why they’re so determined I didn’t see her because I didn’t offer to take a Boots meal deal round whilst expressing it was fine if she didn’t speak to me at all and her toddler was naked,

I haven’t called her flaky or rude though, have I?

Agggh - I will try one last time. When people are struggling with something they don't have the bandwidth to make plans and decisions and weigh up different options in the normal way because they are already too exhausted with whatever is going on with them.

It's why when someone is going through something difficult, whether that's ill health, a bereavement, being in the weeds with newborns etc, it's not very helpful to ask "what can I do to help" or to offer multiple scenarios to choose from. The most helpful thing is to choose one thing that you know is supportive and do it, or offer it.

This is assuming that your friend was really struggling. If she was really struggling and FFS not being able to leave the hotel for the whole week suggest that, then offering multiple options for a meet up which involve her expending energy choosing an option, worrying about facilitating it and managing to make it happen is very stressful.

You offered several out of the hotel options that you now know she couldn't cope with and you said you also offered to come to the hotel. But you have still not explained what you meant by that. Did she know what you meant? Did coming to the hotel mean she had to meet you in the restaurant or bar? Did it mean she had to tidy up the room, get everyone presentable, order drinks and room service for you? Did the offer to come to the hotel feel like an extra burden or a relief to be able to see an old friend in a casual environment?

When you offered to meet at the hotel, what kind of catch up were you imagining?

Jesus Christ the woman had a toddler to deal with. Some of you are making it out like there was a tsunami or she developed a terminal illness or something.

If the friend wanted to see the op she would have. A toddler meltdown is just about the most pathetic excuse ive ever heard and as for suggestions the op should have gone over there and whisked a kid off for a fun daytrip while bringing her friend (staying in a posh hotel) pringles ans triangle sandwiches...😂 all I cam say is I assume you stay in "wear your dressing gown to the all you can eat buffet" style hotels

Sothe op has fucked up here by not inventing some kind of elaborate bullshit mental health origin story to why her friend essentially ghosted her on a trip. Got it 😅

But that's my point - it seems as though this normally very capable woman has had something happen on this trip that has made her struggle and as you say a tantruming toddler wouldn't be a normal deal breaker for an experienced mother of three.

So if it was one of my friends I would be giving the benefit of the doubt and assume that something more serious or stressful was going on.

The OP was never invited to the hotel so the question of should she or shouldn't she have brought snacks is academic. Posters banging on about snacks, picnics and pyjama parties are on a frolic of their own.

The friend was on holiday with her sister who presumably helped. The friend gave no indication that she wanted help or that the OP would be welcome at the hotel.

No, the opposite.

The OP asked was she being unreasonable to be hurt and annoyed that her friend flaked out on meeting her on a week when she'd said she was visiting specifically to meet her.

And my response is that an old friend who has been there for you in the past, who reached out to let you know she wanted to see you on a specific trip, and then flakes out is odd.

I'd give my friends the benefit of the doubt in that situation and assume that something serious was happening, rather than be hurt and annoyed.

Indoor picnics came up because the OP said she messaged with the option of walks, parks and soft play and as various people pointed out the friend did not want to, or felt she couldn't leave the hotel so all those options were unavailable.

The alternative was to suggest things the friend and kids could do with the OP without leaving the hotel room. If the OP offered specific things like that I missed it.

That's some reach there to blame the OP. The friend never replied about meeting at the hotel. The friend could have replied suggesting OP could come to friend's room: which would have been a more logical and normal response, given the friend is the one who would know what she felt up to do, than the OP coming up with even more suggestions.

There you go @wordler - the post you missed where OP offered to go to the hotel.

@wordler shifted her criticism to being that I didn’t specify the hotel room, that my friend should stay in her pyjamas, that I’d bring food, or that I’d be okay with a screaming naked toddler after this post. I was overwhelming my friend by giving her a choice, apparently.

😂missed that.
Maybe if your friend had told you she was having an acute mental or physical health crisis. Or even if she said more obliquely that she was "struggling". She just said she had one clingy child. It would be mad to start insisting you're coming round for carpet cuisine 😂