AIBU or is this understandable?

[Furning]

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days.

We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up.

The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids.

She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up.

I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house?

AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

It sounds like she only wants to see you when the kids are on an even keel, which means you're the likely kind of friend who (whether consciously or not) expects to be the focus of her attention when you meet up, and when the kids are around, this probably adds to her stress. I have a few friends like this, I only see them without my kids because managing my kids' emotions and their expectations leaves me drained. Doesn't mean you can't be friends, it just means she realised seeing you with her kids around was beyond her capacity this time.

It’s not snacks FFS - it’s in lieu of being able to go out for lunch. Also don’t you ever take a bottle of wine to someone’s house when you visit them?

Are you two the sort of friends who have had the sort of relationship where you hang out together in very relaxed circumstances - casual clothes, hair not brushed, toddler and baby spit up on one or both of you, a naked screaming toddler interrupting your conversation every ten minutes?

If that was all she could offer this trip would you have been happy with that?

And if yes, does she know that? Or would she assume you’d be judging her?

OP, did you ever think about bringing her a tube of pringles and a mars bar? Solves everything.

Seriously, it sounds like some plan went awry. I think your husband is being quite harsh in suggesting you drop the friendship (unless you want to do so). But I think you could let her know you were disappointed not to see her and ask her what went wrong. It doesn't sound like you are very close friends, more long-standing acquaintances, so maybe it doesn't feel right to ask her for more information. But since you are feeling hurt and let down, it might be worth having a chat with her about it.

Only if:

• They’re not breastfeeding. Or, if they are, have built up enough milk supply, are happy/able to breast-pump while away and their baby will take a bottle.
• They want to leave their kids to see friends alone. I didn’t want to leave my kids overnight when they were little. They went everywhere with me. Their dad was the same. Our friends were not only fine with that, they welcomed my kids and loved being with them, including several single friends (men and women) without children.
• They have a supportive and capable coparent (or other relative) who’s willing and able to look after the kids, and who they feel comfortable leaving them with.
• They feel well. Postpartum depression is v common, v debilitating and can be v difficult to tell people about, especially people who expect you to cope.

Given you say you never chat with your friend on the phone, even since she’s had three kids in six years, to see how she’s doing and offer moral support, surely you have no idea if any of the above apply.

TBF, you sound more like an acquaintance.

Eh? I did not mention a hotel bar.

She does not need me to perform some extremely odd telepathic dance. She is more than capable of asking if we can do x, y or z, as she has many times.

Are women really sitting around hoping their friends will text them the exact thing they want to hear? I am sure my friend is not.

If she thought that then it would be most odd to fly over and stay ten minutes away with three young children with her.

She. Is. At. A. Hotel.

Hotels provide room service.

She didn’t ask me to go round.

Why is the toddler always naked in this scenario?

Fuck me.

We are close friends, but we tend to wait until we see each other to talk in depth. There are occasions where she has dropped things in order to support me, and vice versa.

I wouldn’t tell her I’m disappointed. I do genuinely believe that her toddler was causing her problems. But I also struggle to see how it could’ve been for a week straight.

This thread is absolutely fucking insane.

If OP’s friend could manage to BE A GROWN UP WITH A BRAIN and fly across Europe with 3 kids she could certainly take OP up on one of her very flexible suggestions about how they could still meet up.

The only reason she didn’t is because she didn’t want to.

And that is not on the OP.

Fucking pyjamas, carpet picnics, snacks, taking the kids out without her friend…. Absolutely ridiculous.

I bet your friends weren’t as pleased as they acted about you insisting on bringing your kids everywhere.

I have questioned my sanity at several points of this thread 😂. I think my favourite so far is that I should be holidaying with my friend and her three children.

See post at 13.07 (may be 19.07 for you?)

You didn’t answer my question - do you have the type of friendship that is relaxed and happy with a messy, casual catch up in each other’s hotel room, without any need to dress up, or worry about cleaning up any mess in the room. Who’d be happy with a couple of sandwiches from M&S and to share a bottle of prosecco using the glasses from the hotel bathroom, while being interrupted by the kids?

I have friends who I feel comfortable enough when having a bad week to be that relaxed with.

I have other friends who are great fun to meet up with when everything is going well but can’t roll with the messy stuff.

You keep mentioning room service. I’d never expect a friend to order overpriced alcohol and often very limited room service food for me.

You keep saying how capable your friend has always been.

So in this scenario she wasn’t coping for some reason in which case give her grace

or

She’s just not that into you anymore - so let it drift away.

Why are you being so unpleasant?

I understand you feeling disappointed about not seeing your friend, but I'm pretty certain that it was just too much to manage for her, and not at all about you. You only have one child so it wouldn't have been the same for you, but trying to manage 3 children who are quite close in age can be an absolute mission, and she probably underestimated how hard it would be taking them all away alone. They can really change from their usual moods being in an unfamiliar environment. If you just have one toddler, you can easily cope alone with the tantrum and get on with things but not so much when you are also trying to carry a baby and the 6 year old has needs too. Our last holiday, our youngest two children were 2 and 4 and they were both so clingy and unsettled, fortunately it was just a family holiday and we got on with it and the activities but my children took 100% of my energy and I wouldn't have been able to sit around drinking wine and chatting. You don't sound super understanding of what it actually looks like for her which might be why she wasn't keen for you to see her/her toddler in that state. I wouldn't cut her off as a friend but just ease off, I wouldn't be sending gifts for children you don't really see anyway.

Your friend will be able to tell you have contempt for children

So what? What prevented the friend asking OP round in the evening when the majority of the children were likely to be asleep?

My toddler wouldn't sleep if I was to be chatting in the room... it would disturb lots of kids.

We were students together.

I imagine your friend just assumed you'd be OK with her letting you down, just like she has done on other occasions (you mentioned earlier she'll say 'Shall we do X, Y, Z' then tell you she can't make it). She sounds flaky, if not a bit thoughtless/inconsiderate of your feelings. Do you think she takes you for granted?

Your comment earlier explaining how the conversation went, was useful. It's clear that you made yourself available. You put suggestions to her and she didn't make herself available. She left you hanging around waiting to hear from her, which is a bit selfish on her part, not saying it was intentional, but it was thoughtless.

Do you realise how unpleasant your posts have been?

That was my point. Maybe they weren’t sleeping and it was chaos and she was embarrassed.

We really don’t know. Either her friend doesn’t value the friendship or it struggling, or both. Plus a load of other reasons. OP knows her friend best. She knows what has been said since. It could well be she’s not coping or her husband isn’t or is controlling. Wanting her to leave a meal early to be back.

Clearly OP is feeling upset (and perhaps her friend too). Only they can decide whether it’s worth it to carry on with the friendship. If it’s as good as she says it is, then it might be a bit better in a few years (if OP can wait) as her friend has a lot on her plate with three children.

I like children. Not as keen on adults who believe that their children should be brought ‘everywhere’.

This does explain those threads who pop up every now and then asking if posters are unreasonable to want to take their child on a girls holiday/hen do/to an adults only party or dinner. It has always mystified me as to how anyone can think it’s okay.

@EdithBond hasn't been unpleasant in their posts at all. They just think you’re wrong.