I'm the problem aren't I? Please be honest.

[feelingutterlyhopeless]

I'm a single mum of 3 (currently seperated from my second husband as I asked him to leave).
im NC with my mum as I believe she is a narcissist - due to this my father who I had a high opinion of hates me and doesn't speak to me (will walk past me and my children in public and ignore us).
I have 5 siblings - no relationship with 2 - a as and when I see them with 2 which is rare. And one younger sibling who I thought I was close to but yesterday learned how they really feel about me and how I'm always involving them in my trauma and I'm overly sensitive and they have to tiptoe around me etc which came as a huge shock.
my siblings and parents are avoidant and I guess I'm the only one who has the anxious attachment style who needs to talk things out. I was reminded yesterday that it's not my sisters fault no one in the family wants to have a relationship with me, when I ask her sometimes why my niece doesn't talk to me. Despite my efforts to fix and repair. I know that in most cases the common denominator is the problem. But in reflection other than dealing with my own traumatic childhood and marriages Im a good person. I'm empathetic, I'm a people pleaser, I don't hold grudges, I apologise to keep the peace. I'm a kind person. I think.
I have a good group of friends. Who now I worry might think I'm also trauma dumping on them if my sibling feels that?
I recently asked my husband to leave due to his drinking so I guess I just asked my sister if she was free on weekends more so have spent more time with her , some weekends at her request. But she told me yesterday she's noticed I'm using her more since my separation. I'm hurt by this because I just wanted someone familiar around at some lonely times. I've been really unlucky with my first marriage where I had to go through a lot which I dnt think i healed from yet (I am in counselling now) so I talk about it at times, maybe more than i should with my sister.
she said i forget she's younger than me and i always involve her in my drama. I'm heartbroken at the realisation she doesn't like me as much as i thought she did. My elder sister cut off from me a few years ago citing I was going through too much and she couldn't handle my trauma.
I just need to honesty know what do I do?

Ah op, it sounds like a very lonely place to be. It struck me while watching that Nicky Campbell programme where he reunites family’s how different each siblings experience growing up can be. Parents putting one child up for adoption and then going on to have other kids and keeping them. What I’m trying to say is that people/parents/siblings do whatever they need to do to survive and protect themselves. Your dad, your siblings, are possibly marching to your mother’s tune to stay in the fold. Picking the bigger team? There is a reason why things are the way you feel they are. It is probably not just a you problem but you must be open to explore that you are handling it all in the wrong way.

With regards to how to move forward, definitely counselling. Keep your off loading for that as much as you can. Decide to make a conscious effort to not dump on friends or siblings. Start today with what you can do straightaway and look into finding a good counsellor. Good luck.

go and talk it out in your therapy sessions Or co pilot . Co pilot can be very good at unpicking things like this.

human relationships are very complex and often not black and white.

all we can do is reflect on our own part in them and manage that.

your list of positive qualities is suggesting that you do struggle with managing boundaries and interpersonal relationships. People pleasing and apologising to keep the peace are not conducive to healthy adult relationships.

but you are here asking the questions and that show’s curiosity and self reflection which is excellent. You just need to work this through with someone.

good luck.

No, I don't think it is necessarily you.

Families can have weird dynamics.

DH is one of five, and currently only in contact with one sibling and his dad (parents are divorced). No doubt the rest of them would paint him as the problem. It's because he no longer goes along with what they think he should do, and they cope by presenting a particular image of themselves as a nice middle-class family when actually some really problematic things have happened.

He's not the problem. He's wonderful.

Please don't be hard on yourself. You sound like the classic 'scapegoat' / 'black sheep'.

It’s really hard to tell from one post. It does sound like you’ve had a horrible time of it. But I do get a sense from your post that you might be “offloading” to other people or using other people as a crutch rather than managing things yourself or with the help of a professional (like a counsellor or therapist).

It can be utterly exhausting and actually quite lonely to be friends with someone who is always in the middle of a drama or a Friday. IME these people can also be quite selfish in seeing how their behaviour is affecting friends and not asking about others. And for me friendships or family relationships can become toxic if one side is in the role of relationship counsellor/ therapist all the time.

I would hope I would help my friends if they needed it and we do offload, but that’s tempered with a good amount of fun, teasing and just relaxing and taking things easy.

Only you know if there’s any truth in this, but maybe think about a counsellor and try to keep things light hearted for a bit with family/ friends.

Hard to tell from what you’ve written but it sounds like you’ve taken on this people pleasing role and the people around you don’t like it when you ask for anything in return. It sounds like you have low self esteem and allow people to treat you as they wish.

If that rings true then maybe you are the problem but not in the way you think. Realising that you can’t change people and you don’t have to ruin your own life to be there for people who don’t care about you will do you some good.

she doesn't like me as much as i thought she did

That’s not what she said. She said she can’t cope with your trauma-dumping.

You need to listen properly and not jump to the “woe is me, nobody likes me”.

I think she was very brave to be honest with you rather than just avoid spending time with you. You should show respect for that and take on board what she told you.

I have a daughter who is very like you describe yourself to be. I could never cut her off. Ever. Just because someone is more "sensitive" and anxious, does not invalidate any of those feelings. So please, do not be hard on yourself, relationships have 2 sides, and it is not always that one style is "right" and the other wrong. So NO , you are not "the problem".

But... Sometimes I do sigh when I see her number come up on my phone, or after a day or 2 of a visit.

so, perhaps I can show you the other side...

I sigh because we only get the bad times, the times she is feeling low. We would like some of the joy too.

We would also like for her to sometimes, just sometimes, stop talking and listen.

Can't tell her any bad news because it becomes part of her problems to deal with.
So I do identify a bit with your sister walking on eggshells.

But, the good news is that she is a loving, empathetic woman, and, she is now going to a therapist to talk through coping and "letting it go" strategies, which do seem to be helping, her mental health is becoming more robust.

She does now share something good from the present, without going straight on to worries and woes. And now, we also ask her about things, and feel more able to tell her our news, not scared to start off a 2 hour talking to.

Thankyou everyone.
Im just so tired of life at the moment.
I try not to be a burden. But if I get asked if I'm ok and I'm not I can't keep it in. Truth is I'm just so exhausted of life and I only shared because I thought she wanted to know.
I just could never imagine being the same to anyone in my life going through a tough time hence why I guess I'm finding it hard to accept.
But yes maybe I am the one who brings the mood down at times.
But I'm so very lonely. Always. And I guess I just misjudge a check in as a genuine space to just breakdown.

But bluntly, you can’t imagine dealing similarly with anyone going through a tough time because you’re a people-pleaser. Which, although you list it with empathy and kindness as though it’s a good thing, isn’t. It means you behave in particular ways to make people like you. Your sister was brave to be honest with you in telling you how she feels you just see her as someone to offload onto. She’s given you a gift. Use it. Check whether you do it to other people. What is a coffee or a phone call with you like? And I agree with pps that therapy would give you a safe space to talk about your current problems.

I agree with PP that it’s better to not to take it in this ‘she’s doesn’t like me as much as I thought’ way and more that she’s got boundaries, which is fine and necessary in a tricky family like yours. She loves you so the like doesn’t have to come into it, and you saying you’d put up with more from someone having a tough time could mean that you need better boundaries rather than her being mean. It’s also not necessarily true, as people often think the best of themselves and say ‘I’d do better’ when it’s not them that has to do it in this particular situation. So I’d cut your sister more slack and keep the decent relationship but not expect too much because she has her needs too as well as you. On the wider point, no one can say it’s all you or all them, and it’s probably not a healthy way to think of things. Better to process your feelings with therapy and understand yourself more so you can make different choices in future. That’s all you really have control over.

I hope you are ok, it sounds like a tough time.
I would say that I have a relation that uses therapy reguarly, they tend to want to talk about their situations a lot, analyse and use therapy speak, unpick stuff, they have become quite almost self absorbed since using therapy, almost like it validates why they need to direct the conversation to their issues at every opportunity, and they are quite self pitying. I think the therapy is doing more harm than good, as thry arent getting over anything, just using it as an excuse to elongate their misery and wallow in their trauma. Even usind the word trauma, my relation does this. As I think its just normal life. Framing everything you go through as trauma I think is not very helpful and a way for second rate therapist to keep you locked in talking about it
I had severe PND after my child and I had one of the best phychologists in the country who was also working with the senior military professionals as well as her private work. Paid for through a work plan . I told her about my childhood, she said its amazing i turned out as well as i did!
I asked if I could benefit from talking therapy, she said do you really want to spend years unpicking every detail when the real objective is to get well. She said take meds, focus on the future and get fit. Then come back if that doesnt work.
What is your objective here? Is it to live in and with your trauma or to move on with your life? Potentially you are too comfortable with it, seeking therapy to validate it and haven't got a plan to leave it behind.

Unfortunately there are some people who turn every situation into one where they are the victim, and tell everyone about it. It is draining and frustrating to be around, as you feel they will never change their lot as they seek out situations in which they are the victim.

I can't tell just from two posts whether you are one of these people, but you may want to think whether you come across as one.

This, does she only ‘like’ you if she behaves and does exactly what you want her to?
that you’re now available at the weekends so she should be to?
be careful you’re not seeing her as an emotional support system

It sounds like though you’ve had a few bad times and so if you are always unloading to them they will get tired of it. A check in doesn't mean offload eve try thing, you could say I’m having a hard time so let’s go and do something fun to take my mind off it. Is it true that you don’t see your sister as much when you aren’t in a bad place?

In a family situation you describe there are no hero's ans no villains.

I would say from your description you could probably do some things differently and I agree with the above poster.

While therapy can be useful often you are just picking over the bones... to what end?
Box it up put it in the bacl of the attic and get on woth your life.

If I look at me vs my analytical / introspective sibling.... I know who is in a better place.

Your own life (that you have chosen) sounds chaotic too. 3 children, multiple divorces, alcoholism... it maybe you seek these things on some level.
I say that as someone who due to a hard childhood, has a propensity to seek out drama because it is my "natural state". And have to work hard to fight against it and ask WHY would i invite this nonsense into my life When all I want is a peaceful calm time????

Hi Op, I’m a single mum of 3 with a complicated family too. I just want to say, please lean on your friends and keep talking to them about what’s really going on in your life. It’s so hard and you don’t need the extra worry of isolating yourself from people who care about you.

Keep doing therapy but any and every therapist will tell how crucially important it is to talk to other people in your life as well. We need to feel heard by people we love not just by professionals.

It sounds like your sister isn’t the right person for you to speak to at the moment, or at least that she needs you to step back a bit for now. That absolutely does not mean that everyone else feels that way. You are not ‘the problem’.

I’ve got close friends going through all
sorts at the moment. Bereavement, divorce, child illness etc and there is zero pressure on them to ‘be more fun’ from me. If it gets too much I’d say that but if the default is ‘go for it,
we all go through stuff. This is a safe space’.

‘Trauma dumping’ is completely different. There’s a mum at school who barely say hi to but if I ever do she launches into a massive monologue about all the awful things going on her life. That’s trauma dumping. If you’re doing that to
people then stop.

Kindly and honestly, no, your friends and family don't want to hear about how hard you're finding it over and over. They will be happy to hear it once, help you problem solve and follow up with you. If nothing it changing and you're just repeating your misery each time then that is the definition of trauma dumping. Every single adult on the planet has some stresses. Some more than others of course. Most people are happy to support loved ones to an extent but if it's just used as an opportunity to vent your unhappiness that's not what people are there for. You can pay a therapist for that (or if you're cautious about it, use ChatGPT for free) and then when you see your loved ones, try to focus on what you're doing to change things. Make sure you're also interested in them and what's going on in their lives.

I once had a friend who I had to distance myself from eventually, because the amount of trauma she was going through started to affect my mental health. When I first met her I thought she was someone going through a crisis and needed my support. Three years later she was STILL going through a crisis and involving me in her drama, for instance cohersing me into acting as a go between between her and her ex partner. I had to cut her off in the end for my own sanity. Although in many ways she was a lovely person, I think she was so wrapped up in her own issues she didn't realize how much pressure she was off loading on to me. Not sure if this is happening here. The fact that you are having counselling is positive, a councillor is trained to help people to find solutions to their problems. If the problems you are having are connected to your family dynamic the councillor can help you find strategies to change your interactions with your family. Try to chanel your trauma into your counselling sessions and step back from your family for a while.All the best!

Its hard to know for certain and your family don’t come out of it sounding great but it does come across that you may be slightly trauma dumping and that you are quite needy.

One of the cruelest ironies of life is that often when people most need support they become quite hard to support (depressed, over dependent and anxiety ridden).

This is really what counselling is for. When you get to the point where other people are burdened by your stress and anxiety its up to you to see a professional therapist or counsellor to try to untangle this for you.

Its hard but I would take a step back from your family and ask yourself whether you are overburdening them. And please talk to a professional.

I worked with a woman many years ago who had huge health problems. Her mental health was bad so she ate, so she was super, super morbidly obese , so her mental health was bad and on and on. In the end people would avoid getting a coffee/ lunch in the staffroom if she was there. It was just too much. Even if you didn't say " Morning Suzanne, how are you ?" And just said " Morning ", whilst doing whatever prep you needed to do, she'd just off load her latest drama . In the end I just wanted to say " Other people have shit going on. Have you ever stopped to listen to them, ever". In my head I'd be thinking " I don't care Suzanne I JUST DON'T CARE"

Honestly? Yes it does sound like every time you see your family you feel the need to talk about all your problems and trauma at length. Which is quite wearing.

And especially if you label them “avoidant” for not having the same need to unload. That seems a bit dismissive tbh. Maybe they’re more resilient or have a different view or experience from you?

I’m not sure how you can be a people pleaser and also go NC with your mum. A people pleaser would stay in contact to keep the peace, surely? I’m not arguing with your need to go NC if contact with her was harmful for you. But you also need to accept that others in the family won’t see it the same way and will regard you as someone who caused a breach rather than a people pleaser.

Anyway, I agree with a PP that it would be better to use your therapist for unloading and analysing and try to have more positive interactions with others in your life. Not saying you have to pretend all is fine but maybe “oh you know me, things are always up and down, how are you?” Rather than a lengthy self analysis session.

Sorry to be blunt but I also think it will help you in the long run to rein the self analysis in a bit.

I have two friends who I find myself avoiding making plans with.
I've been going through a really awful time, which they know about. So what I need is distraction from it and a nice chat.

But whenever I meet up with either of them, they just talk at me and unload their own (more trivial, if I'm honest) stuff. And I leave feeling even more drained.

Both of the last times I saw each of them, I also came away realising that they hadn't asked a single thing about me. Nor did they show any sign of even remembering the stuff I'm going through.

So yes. I don't dislike them. They're my friends who I've known for a while. But I don't have the emotional resilience to have them dump their stuff on me without any positive gain.

So yes, I'd think about what your sister has said. And I'd also think about why your dad is unhappy with you. Did your mum (and those siblings) really deserve you going no contact? Maybe they did, but maybe you overreacted to something.

I'll try and say this gently, but yes, it is you.

If you treat "How are you?" as a trauma dump then for their own sanity people will pull back. People only have so much they can handle.

I had a very close friend for 15 years, but in the end her ceaseless stream of crises was too much. I couldn't do it anymore. All the fun and chat and good times had long vanished and it was just trauma after trauma. I had nothing left to give. I still miss her but at least I'm not wincing every time the phone goes.

Use counselling for your trauma dumps, not friends and family.

There can be a certain amount of bonding in 'mutual trauma dump' friends, depending on how it's presented, more of 'oh my god you'll never guess what Bitchboss did last week' rather than total woe is me, woe is me but it needs to be mutual and not the only topic of conversation.

this. And it can be exhausting to be near people like this. Particularly if you are having your own problems and issues to deal with .