My promised lie-in today...but DH "feeling very unwell"

[Idontspeakgermansorry]

I'm going to sound mean and heartless writing this because I do think he's genuinely got a cold. But it's just so unfair! I get up with the toddler everyday, no matter how I'm feeling, because I have no choice and that's just what you do as a parent.

I just went through the first trimester and still dragged myself out of bed at 5am (the latest our toddler will sleep no matter what we do), despite the nausea, exhaustion, vomiting, and migraines. Everyday, except my one weekend lie-in anyway.

DH does work very hard and I am a SAHM so maybe that makes me even more unreasonable for being a bit annoyed, idk. He's also leaving next weekend for a 3 week work trip and this was my last chance to sleep in so that's probably compounding my feelings too.

I know IABU because he's sick and needs to rest before he goes to work tomorrow. This is maybe just more of a tired vent.

You're not remotely being unreasonable.

Unless he is very, very unwell then he is being unreasonable.

He can lie in everyday on his work trip, you won’t be able to. I’m sorry but he needs to let you rest and get up and look after your toddler. If he’s so ill that he can’t, then sounds like he’s too ill for the work trip as well.

Actually YANBU. If you have to solider on no matter what and he can cry off ill whenever he wants than that’s unfair. Looking after a toddler is work. Hard, never ending work! A labour of love, of course, but it still requires you to be on duty 24/7. And you’re pregnant FFS. If it were me, I’d be fuming!! A three week work trip too! I don’t know many people who go away that long for work but frankly it sounds chill….even if the work is hard, presumably there’s a hotel bed, with no small children, where he can sleep every night in peace (I say this as someone who has a four year old snuggled under my arm - I wouldn’t change it for the world but I’m allowed to be tired!)

You need to sort this before DC2 arrives because, as lovely as it is, two kids are overwhelming compared with just one. No lie ins, you being a SAHM 24/7 etc will soon build resentment. You need equal downtime, the same rules applied when I’ll etc. It sounds from your post that being a SAHM isn’t valued by your DH.

I work in a senior role earning 6 figures. My day to day is 1000 times easier than looking after a child. I get to use my expertise, people are rationale (well, there’s a couple of our SLT who behave like giant toddlers but that’s a story for another day).and I can eat and drink when I want, pause to read an article etc. If I were a man, I’m sure I could claim a privileged status that meant I could opt out of all the house/child things due to my salary and working so hard. But I’m a woman, and a mum, so I juggle it all! I do it gladly, don’t get me wrong, but it just shows what utter BS we let men get away with.

My mum never worked and my dad was a bit of an arsehole about it. Positioned himself as the one who worked hard. I look back now and see my mum raise three of us with no help and not that much money and I think - wow - she was the one who worked tirelessly. She couldn’t waltz out the door like my dad did.

That actually may make me even more unreasonable honestly...I was trying to be vague, but he's a soldier so he'll be up at the crack of dawn, working 24/7, and sleeping in a truck for quite a lot of his time away.

I'm just tired too 🥲

That does make me have a bit more sympathy but ….it is still far too easy for your wellbeing to shift into second place here without a second thought.

Thank you. I think his job does make it harder to balance because he does genuinely do a very hard job and works a lot of hours.

And no calling in sick, unless he's literally dying. I guess at home is the only time he can call in sick.

I was all ready to say he was being incredibly unfair but having read your update I think you should let him rest, as hard as it is for you. Presumably if your toddler wakes at 5 they either nap in the day or go to bed early and I would suggest that while DH is away you make sure you rest during the nap and/or go to bed early too, just doing the minimum of chores etc. to keep things ticking over.

While an ordinary work trip is a blast compared to looking after a toddler in your first trimester, if he’s in the army that’s not the case. Is there anyone who can come and help you a bit while he is away?

Thank you. Yeah, I should have put his job in my first post but I was trying to be vague. Glad I posted for a reality check before I got annoyed with him when he gets up later haha.

All good advice, thank you. I'm exhausted and in bed by 9pm everyday anyways. She'll probably (hopefully) take a good nap later on.

We're living overseas so no one to help, unfortunately.

This is a hard one because of his physically demanding job. When he does wake up is there any chance you can try and rest yourself for an hour or so. If not don’t put to much pressure on yourself this week. Do the bare minimum around the house and rest up as much as possible. Ask for help from family and friends. If toddler isn’t in a nursery maybe look at putting them in one so you can at least get some time to yourself.

How does anyone lie in every day on any work trip?

I don’t think they mean a lie in as in 10am, more unbroken sleep and a usual work wake up time rather than a before dawn toddler wake up time. When my dc were tiny, a work overnighter would be bliss for DH (not that he ever got up with the kids when he was at home).

I’m not sure where you are but doesn’t the army subsidise nursery places? It sounds like something you would be thinking about and it would be great to get DC used to going before baby arrives?

Unfortunately, not where we are.

Childcare is very limited here and dual-military family's (both parents are soldiers) are prioritised.

With the update I’d say you’re both deserving of the lie in! But given his job is a demanding one you probably have a bit more control over your sleeping and rest than he does. Are you working too?

You can still vent here though OP. It's crap really looking forward to sleep then not getting it.

Who has lie ins when they are working?!

It sounds as if both of you are exhausted and deserve a bit of extra rest. I don't think either of you is being unreasonable.

I'd say, throw money at it if you can. Cleaner, ready meals, babysitter, go to bed with your toddler, let them watch TV while you doze next to them in the morning... Do whatever it takes to get through this early pregnancy stage. There is no shame in it. It's survival!

If you can't throw money at it then just reduce your expectations right down. Eg. A day only needs food, bath, walk with kid, sleep. Ask anyone at all who can help, to help. You're not expected to be perfect. I would look at preschool or similar to give you breathing/napping space.

The lie in thing is unfortunately a red herring, somewhat. Because sadly it's just practice for the horrors of a young child and a newborn. I have lots of kids and I dearly remember being quite literally insensible with sleep deprivation, for years. I'm still not fully recovered, genuinely. Is it worth it? Yes. Does it get better? Usually... Is it shit? Definitely. Will it nearly kill you? Honestly, yes. But it won't actually kill you lol, so hold onto hope that one day they'll both be in school and you'll suddenly miss the madness. I'm not trying to be cute btw, it's fucking harrowing, a lot. You can do it.

So it's best to force yourselves to adapt now, of course his job is also very full on, and to stick together with solidarity will help now. One morning lost in the grand scheme of early years parenting is a drop in the ocean unfortunately. Do what you need to do (cry, chocolate, rue the day you ever decided to have kids 😁❤️) but it will be easier to get through it together. As much as he is letting you down now, I would also be wanting my bed before sleeping in a truck etc. he's being unfair but the whole thing is difficult and intrinsically unfair ❤️ Vent on here.

YANBU.
You need more help.. are you going to bed really early? I’d never be able to do 5am wakeups EVERY DAY and definitely not when pregnant. Any way you could find a nanny even if just part time to help you??

I'd say yanbu, he knows he's away for 3 weeks without a lie in, he should be prepared for that, he agreed for you to have one today.

He should get up with toddler, have a relaxed morning with them whilst you rest as promised. He should be used to getting up and working with a cold, and that's no different to getting up with a cold to look after a toddler.

My DH used to have form for this, we used to agree he could have a lie in on Saturday, I'd have a lie in on Sunday, but he would get up at 6 to go to them gym on my day for a lie in!!!

I voted YABU but it’s a completely understandable way to feel

Lack of sleep is an absolute killer. I know its a cliché but so get some sleep later when toddler naps or your DH gets up.

The fury I feel at SAHM having to be superhuman because their DH works soooo hard makes me incandescent!

FFS why do men treat women like this and why do women accept it.
For the few years I was a SAHM we shared weekend childcare. How can your DH stay in bed while you act like his slave. What an utter #%*!

When I was a sahm I did find it hard to insist he got up (thankfully mine didn’t care for early mornings, pair of night owls) so I understand the sentiment but he could just transplant himself to the sofa where he can dose. Make sure later you get a bit of me time

He is unwell. You don’t know what his 3 weeks entails or how severe the physical parts will be. Considering training can consist of carrying a 35ib rucksack for 12 miles with a time limit of 3 hours to complete over rough terrain isn’t something you get used to. It’s hard bloody work and he’ll have to complete tasks like these under immense conditions depending where he is with little to no sleep by design & do it despite being ill. Your response is wholly ignorant to what is expected from our army.

The "lie in every day on any work trip" is imo mentioned by people who have never been on a work trip. Or they have better jobs that I do!