My promised lie-in today...but DH "feeling very unwell"

[Idontspeakgermansorry]

I'm going to sound mean and heartless writing this because I do think he's genuinely got a cold. But it's just so unfair! I get up with the toddler everyday, no matter how I'm feeling, because I have no choice and that's just what you do as a parent.

I just went through the first trimester and still dragged myself out of bed at 5am (the latest our toddler will sleep no matter what we do), despite the nausea, exhaustion, vomiting, and migraines. Everyday, except my one weekend lie-in anyway.

DH does work very hard and I am a SAHM so maybe that makes me even more unreasonable for being a bit annoyed, idk. He's also leaving next weekend for a 3 week work trip and this was my last chance to sleep in so that's probably compounding my feelings too.

I know IABU because he's sick and needs to rest before he goes to work tomorrow. This is maybe just more of a tired vent.

Of course.
I was responding to the poster that said she had worked and been a SAHM and working was easier (implying that was the case for everyone)
Like I said before, I do feel sorry for OP. I just don't like the instantaneous leap these threads take automatically assuming the man/working party is a feckless, work shy individual running off to work for a break whilst the beleaguered SAHP is grafting 24/7.
In most relationships both parties are grafting equally has hard (in different ways).

I think most people here have read the OP's first post and replied in fury.
Her dh is going on a work trip for 3 weeks...with the army. God knows what that involves, but hotel rooms and mini fridges aren't included i presume. So really we should cut the dh some slack, whilst acknowledging how brutal lack of sleep and any downtime is for the mum.

They both have my sympathies here.

https://www.madeformums.com/reviews/spearmark-international-bunny-clock-childrens-alarm-clock-review/

Get one of these and start training your toddler.

We had a similar set up with husband working long weeks away.

We paid a student teacher to take the children to the zoo on Sunday from 9am-2pm. I slept and had a bath.
I was worth every £.

What time does your dh need to leave for work on a normal day, when he isn't away? That would also affect my view of this. Eg if he doesn't need to leave until 8, I think he should be doing the occasional weekday get up with toddler in a normal week too, to give you a bit more time, especially while you are pregnant.

Whereas if he goes to work so early he also has to be up at 5 anyway, or he works nights, then he's not getting lie ins either and there's not much you can do about it.

On this particular occasion I think it's fair enough for him to sleep as he's ill and about to go away with little sleep, but you are no unreasonable to be disappointed.

It also depends whether he'd give up his lie in day if you had a cold though....

I don't understand how your husband can't let you have a lie in with a cold? He could still get up with the toddler and play something that does not take much energy like lego, read books, colouring and a movie perhaps. I have 3 dc and any time I am sick the world does not stop. I had to take care of them through being sick with covid, tummy bug etc. If it has happened during the weekend my husband steps up of course....but during the work week I am the one who is the stay at home parent so I have to carry on sick or not, rain or shine. I would say a cold it is surely possible to carry on as normal.

The only time I would think not is fever or tummy bug...then I would let your dh rest and esp would want to avoid the toddler catching it. But a cold? That is not really an excuse.

What kind of work trip have you been on where you lie in every day?

But you said yourself if it's a weekend when you are ill your husband would step up, how is that different from op stepping up this weekend when her husband is ill?

Not at 15 months though, that's still a baby practically.

What kind of work trip have you been on where you are up and on duty at 5am every day?

Plenty actually.

I think they mean getting up at 7am for example is a lie in of your toddler is up at 5am every morning plus no getting woken up in the middle of the night. Definitely better sleep than being at home with a toddler.

I meant my husband would step up during the weekend if it were a high fever or tummy bug!!!! Not a cold 😂A cold anyone in our family is perfectly capable to function. I would not expect anything different because of a cold. Dc also go on as normal during colds doing sport, school etc.

What job do you do?

Also, as a pp said if the toddler always wakes at 5am, then yes 7am is a lie in 😂I am normally up 7am so today when I got to rest until I decided I had enough and looked at my phone (bc my kids are now old enough to do their own thing or lie in), I saw it was 8:15am. I genuinely felt I had a great lie in

He has PT as 6, then back home at 7:30 for breakfast and to shower and get changed, then he goes to work for 9. So yeah, not much of a lie in for him either. Maybe an extra half an hour before he gets up to get ready for PT.

We usually have one weekend day each as our lie-in day.

He is actually sick, although he did just tell me that he stayed up until 1am last night watching YouTube videos so maybe that's contributing to how unwell he feels...

Tbh there's no reason he can't do the lions share today, even if he parents from the sofa and puts some telly on for a bit of the day. You can do a grocery shop alone (buy a pastry and coffee and sit in the car with your book for a bit) and come home, prep family lunch then take a bath and come down and make tea while he has quality kid time.

Its rubbish he's poorly hut life goes on and if it was you, he wouldn't be staying home to look after DC. And if you catch it from him, he is still going on the trip.

He a soldier, I'm pretty sure he can take some paracetamol and manage his own toddler for a bit. Especially if you're making lunch and dinner.

Fair enough, I see what you mean. Obviously anyone can soldier on with a cold but I think in our house if it was a bad one and that person wasn't getting much other chance to rest due to work etc, we'd be kind and give them an extra rest at the weekend if possible. It would work both ways though.

Hmm, the 1 am thing does take away my sympathy rather. Also, would he give up his lie in if you were feeling unwell?

Is the PT thing something he has to do for work, or a hobby choice? If it's optional then it's not comparable to you needing to get up early to parent.

Yes, of course. That makes sense if the cold was really bad. But in our house no cold is that bad (unless its cold and flu, then you have a fever as well...so yes rest would be needed). We also usually dont get time off during the weekend in general unless really sick (3 dc in sports, parties etc) so we have to share the load....not possible for one to do all (often needing to be in two different places at the same time).

We are past that difficult stage though of kids waking 5am etc. We have the opposite problem though, as no one wants to go to bed early...but this means two out of 3 kids are still sleeping for us 😅

Also, forgot to add if one of us was sick and felt we needed the other person to take on the full load then of course the other person would no complaints. It is just that we both understand how two parents are really needed so we carry on colds and all. To give an example Saturday one dc has Rugby match morning and the football match afternoon (this takes 2-3 hours each because of distance). The youngest had music lesson in morning and swim in afternoon. The eldest had hockey in the afternoon, but thankfully is old enough now to get to that herself.

I think if he doesn’t have form for this and is really feeling unwell I would give him the benefit of the doubt. I don’t think a tour of duty as a soldier is at all comparable to a normal work trip and if you are a SAHM you only have to juggle the toddler and your own health if you are pregnant. Having small children is tough. Is flying home to family for a few weeks while your husband away a possibility or is there a relative at home who would come out to help? Can you pay for a few hours childcare or nursery for your toddler so you can rest? If not just do whatever to survive. TV, play dates and do minimal housework for next few weeks. Got to bed early when your toddler does. Sympathies. Lack of sleep and pregnancy exhaustion is awful but honestly it doesn’t sound like your DH is faring any better. Doing a physical job as a soldier when unwell must be horrible too.

Yeah, I was feeling more sorry for him to before he told me that haha. He would give up his lie in, if I was sick and asked him to.

PT is part of his job. They all go run around outside in their ARMY t-shirts lol.

I think the update on him being a soldier gives me more sympathy for him as i imagine it's a physically and mentally demanding job, if it was a work from home desk job, I'd probably feel differently.

I think it's one of those situations where you both have important needs that just can't be fulfilled because you have a toddler. Maybe just acknowledge with each other that you are both suffering and both equally need a lie in but can't both have one of course. I would toss a coin on who gets the lie in or agree that one of you gets prioritized today but next time this arises, the other of you gets prioritized.

I have a 3.5 year old and a 2 year old and am currently pregnant. I know this situation too well. Its so hard to see your partners needs because you are completely overwhelmed by your own.

Can we all agree that getting ill is not a choice to spite the spouse, and being called a selfish pig is maybe, just maybe more warranted for people who don't pull their weight because they are "off to have a pint with the boys" or "out to play golf"?

I voted YABU your toddler must still nap etc can't you grab a nap then? Something he won't be able to do at work. Sorry but I know it is hard (I did it long enough and remember the exhaustion).