My promised lie-in today...but DH "feeling very unwell"

[Idontspeakgermansorry]

I'm going to sound mean and heartless writing this because I do think he's genuinely got a cold. But it's just so unfair! I get up with the toddler everyday, no matter how I'm feeling, because I have no choice and that's just what you do as a parent.

I just went through the first trimester and still dragged myself out of bed at 5am (the latest our toddler will sleep no matter what we do), despite the nausea, exhaustion, vomiting, and migraines. Everyday, except my one weekend lie-in anyway.

DH does work very hard and I am a SAHM so maybe that makes me even more unreasonable for being a bit annoyed, idk. He's also leaving next weekend for a 3 week work trip and this was my last chance to sleep in so that's probably compounding my feelings too.

I know IABU because he's sick and needs to rest before he goes to work tomorrow. This is maybe just more of a tired vent.

Hi @Idontspeakgermansorry I was a completely loan parent and worked full time quite long hours.
On Sundays, I always had a nap when my toddler did. Not just a "put her in the cot nap" but on bad exhausted days, we would go to bed and nap together. She would often sleep a good 2.5 hours if cuddling me. I also used to bring her into my bed in the early mornings ... but that may well be a habit you don't want to start 😬☺️

Hope next 3 weeks are ok for you and your husband x

I know it's not the same, but can you get a rest this afternoon for a couple of hours? Might help a little bit.

He stayed up until 1am just fine though...

Mothers are seen as the default parent, they dont get to choose
Pregnancy nausea and exhaustion? Get on with it !
Cold but not so ill he stayed up until 1am and he gets to choose

Have you been a soldier?

When he is awake later, let him take over for a couple of hours and have a lie down or nap.

No other army wives around? Can't you arrange a bit of reciprocal help between you?

Voted YANBU until I saw what your DP’s job/worktrip involves.

Then changed my mind again when I saw he’d been up until 1am!

Parenting a toddler is a very important, responsible and exhausting job. You have to be sensible with your own sleep and rest to be able to cope. If your DP stayed up until 1am before his work trip, he’d still be expected to drag himself out of bed. The same should apply at home. Caring for a toddler IS work.

Suggest you nap later when your child takes a nap, while your DP attends to household chores for the week ahead. He could also take your child out for a while, so you have some peace.

That is fair enough, and I think for many people work trips do involve a later start than 5am, but after that later start (say 7.30am) they will be expected to do a full day plus often evening of meetings / dinners etc., whereas OP has confirmed her toddler sleeps through the night so if she just goes to bed soon after the toddler she can get 8 hours’ sleep in easily. As someone who hates all the gladhanding and being permanently “on” involved in business trips, I would much rather be at home with my toddler, however challenging that can be.

Nope him being a soldier makes it even worse tbh. The phrase “to soldier on” literally describes pushing through difficult situations. So he really should be able to get up out of bed to let his wife have a lie in whilst she is growing his baby. For once. As someone else pointed out, if this “illness” hits during his work away are they going to say “oh bless you here is a pension and staying bed all day”’?
So his job is more worthy than his family? Shows where his priorities are lying today and it’s not good. Despite being described as a great husband and father @Idontspeakgermansorry that sadly is not the case today and I’d be quite disappointed in him too.

Also, had to add no way in hell would I have any sympathy for him if he stayed up to 1am!!! The latest I ever stay up these days (and very rare, is 12am), knowing full well wake up time is 7am weekdays and 8amish weekends....

the trick with taking turns at a weekend lie in with a man who is likely to renage? You take Saturday.

@Cheeseisneeded Stayed up till 1 am fine - yes. Not sure if it has anything to do with anything. OP herself says that it maybe contributed to him overall not feeling ok. But we can't know.. Maybe he couldn't sleep? Maybe he could have but was wasted his time, who knows? Whatever the case is, the next day he was ill. And he didn't choose to get ill to screw his wife over... nobody does that. Do we know if he would have gotten up if OP asked him to? We don't know that either, as it wasn't said. But no-no, he should just F right off for being selfish.

All I am saying is not everything needs to be a thing. And getting angry at someone for getting ill should certainly not be one of those things. Reserve the harsh judgement on those dickheads who gladly knocked their wives up, are away from their families all week being mega-important boys in suits only to then spend their remaining free time playing some wanky game, like golf... If my wife promised me a lie in the next day, but she feels sick, I get up, no problem, because I am not a one-dimensional simpleton who only sees the carrot that has been dangled in front of him, but understand the reality. Throw in the curveball of her potentially being up late watching youtube or whatever? - Guess what, same thing - DOES. NOT. MATTER.

"Mothers are seen as the default parent, they dont get to choose
Pregnancy nausea and exhaustion? Get on with it !
Cold but not so ill he stayed up until 1am and he gets to choose"

Nobody, not one person brought in the "mom should do it because she is the mom" argument. Also, "cold, but not so ill" - not really up to you to decide how ill DH is, I'd rather take OP's assessment. Also what the hell are we talking about when we say getting on with it? Getting on with what? Does DH have a choice in when he gets up to go to work, something their family relies on? When DH is at work, of course a stay-at-home-parent needs to get on with it, as there is nobody else to get on with it... In this situation when there are two parents present, but one is sick, of course the one that is not sick gets on with it. It is such a simple equation - and yes, same applies if the roles are opposite. non-sick parent to step in because that's the decent thing to do. Out of love and care, maybe, instead of "me me me, I deserve, not fair on me".

OP stated no calling in sick either. So maybe it is in everybody's interest he gets better by tomorrow, no? I guess not, as the lie-in was promised...If both OP and her husband was sick, I am willing to believe that the husband would have no issue getting up. We do not know, of course, but there's a good chance.

Multi-generational RAAF Brat here…please don’t sell yourself short. Military relationships are bloody hard yakka. I’ve seen many fall apart, including my own parents’. I’ve also seen both sets of grandparents tough it out and celebrate over 60 years of marriage each. That said, both my Grandfathers have given all the credit to their wives for keeping “the home fires burning”…and often lament the strain it put on them, the absence, the lean circumstances and everything they “missed”…yes, his job must be taxing, but so is yours…and no doubt it feels tougher knowing he’ll be posted elsewhere soon. Please just be kind and gracious and honouring toward YOU as well. He couldn’t do what he does without you. Sending lots of love, from one Military Sister to another X

YANBU . When my dc were young dh had a bad back which he didn't dare risk with bending and doing nappies so I had to do it all.
What happens if women have bad backs ? We soldier on !
he still makes a mountain out of every illness. I'm still expected to soldier on. 🙄

I think given his job, if he’s actually unwell he does need to rest. I have family in the army and at times there is very little chance to sleep if travelling overseas.

But just as a note about your toddler @Idontspeakgermansorry both my DC went through a phase of waking between 4-5 at a similar age. I trained them out of it, but just by lying in their bedroom with them, next to the cot, with the room still dark and told them it was still night time. It was frustrating at first because they just wanted to get up but after a few days they realised they weren’t going downstairs and lay back down. After a week or two they got used to it and would go back to sleep. They’re both in primary and don’t wake before 7/8 now. I started it with DC1 as I was pregnant and didn’t want to be in a situation with a toddler waking at 5 if I’d been awake half the night with a newborn. I would get a camping mattress to lie on next to the cot though.

Although - having just seen he was awake until 1 I’d be really bloody annoyed with him and be making him do both mornings once he’s back!

He's taking the piss, you must know that. If he can stay up until one in the morning watching YouTube videos than he was able to get his sorry arse out of bed a few hours later and let you have your lie-in. As you well know, you don't get the rest when you're ill. What's good for the goose.

Why do you assume he can lie in everyday of his work trip?

Its a bit shit for both of you.
He may have been watching videos as it was hard to sleep feeling unwell (maybe I'm being generous).
My dh had a tough job and I remember trying to get my toddler to sleep so I could.. and her saying 'not tired mummy '. Sometimes if she fell asleep in car, we would both nap in the car parked on street. Don't miss it.

Yeah I agree. I was about to come on here and tear him a new arsehole but soldering is very different to three weeks at a conference centre with a clean crisp bed every night and a breakfast buffet laid out. It’s probably best that he’s fully recovered before he starts his tour/trip.

I’m sorry though, as this is total BS for you too. Make sure you take a nap this afternoon if you can.

There are so many assumptions that it is honestly shocking to me... How can some of you be so comfortable with easily judging and labelling people with just guessing crucial details that you just make up in your head?

The reality is that it is a shitty situation for both of them, and they need to pick up when the other one is poorly, however difficult it is... Today, her when he is ill, next week him, when she has morning sickness.. Instead of getting frustrated with the other person just because they got sick..

In reality you have kids end of the lie ins.

Sorry but if he was up til 1am then in my eyes he is not sick enough not to get up this morning. Luckily we are past the early starts now but I wouldn't have let this one go. It's a slippery slope especially with another on the way.

The reality is that he hasn't been picking up when she's been feeling unwell. She has outlined the circumstances, that she is always up with the toddler, despite a shit first trimester. Every single day except her one weekend lie in. He didn't give up his lie in the last few weeks when she's been feeling unwell and struggling. How do people have this wilful blindness?

Honestly, I think you are both just exhausted. We have been there as SAHM and DH working very long hours and dont let it come between you. Never had a ‘village’ or family close by. I’d move on from it this time but speak to him - being a SAHM with no help is still work. You are not handing the toddler over to grandparents for a rest in the week, it’s 24/7. Explain to him how you are feeling but tiredness can definately block you from seeing the other person’s point of view and you’re probably both at that point! Been there lots of times!

Thanks, that is really helpful about the just lying with her! I've tried before but she's just wanted to get up, but it sounds like I need to persevere with that.