My promised lie-in today...but DH "feeling very unwell"

[Idontspeakgermansorry]

I'm going to sound mean and heartless writing this because I do think he's genuinely got a cold. But it's just so unfair! I get up with the toddler everyday, no matter how I'm feeling, because I have no choice and that's just what you do as a parent.

I just went through the first trimester and still dragged myself out of bed at 5am (the latest our toddler will sleep no matter what we do), despite the nausea, exhaustion, vomiting, and migraines. Everyday, except my one weekend lie-in anyway.

DH does work very hard and I am a SAHM so maybe that makes me even more unreasonable for being a bit annoyed, idk. He's also leaving next weekend for a 3 week work trip and this was my last chance to sleep in so that's probably compounding my feelings too.

I know IABU because he's sick and needs to rest before he goes to work tomorrow. This is maybe just more of a tired vent.

A cold? That's it? Surely he just needs to get on with it.

Flu, sickness bug etc absolutely but a cold most people just crack on.

TV on, door to living room shut and have a lie down on the sofa? That was my approach when Dco were small and I was in a similar situation re resting and no support

Be fair it depends on “the cold”. Sometimes a cold is the sniffles, sometimes you feel like death.

DH had a lie in Sundays, I had one Saturdays. He was/is a workaholic and I did everything with the DC and at home. SAHM for 7 and then went back. I did it because we were a team with shared goals. Thrre were significant comps.

@Idontspeakgermansorry I hope your morning is ok. Cd the toddler have videos whilst ypu have the sofa? Cd you fly home to your mum's for a couple of weeks? I'd pay your flights if you were my dd.

can you sleep when the toddler naps

They don't! Some people are just desperate to try and make the man the baddie in any situation they come out with crap like this.
Turns out he's a soldier so they'll have to rethink this one.

I mean I guess the situation I'm usually in on works trips is I book a hotel very close (5-10 minutes walk) to where I need to be. So to be in the office by 8, so I only need to be at breakfast by say 7:35, which if I shower in the evening only required getting up at 7:25 or so. Which is definitely late enough to get a good night's sleep in. Head to bed for 10:30 and there's time for 9 hours

Clearly that's not going to be the case for all business trips and it's definitely not going to be the case when you're away with the army!

OP, I'm sorry it's such a tough situation. If you can manage to get a couple of hours rest in later when he's up, I'd make the most of that. Hope the next few weeks go well.

Calm down!
I think she means he would get up normal time eg 7.30am not 5am

@Idontspeakgermansorry

Go back to bed this afternoon

Hi OP,
is he otherwise an engaged partner with no history of weaponising or feigning illness?
If he’s normally ok, I’d cut him some slack but this in no way minimises your tiredness. What could be some easy ways to help you rest?
is there an ex pat or military family support base you could call on for help?
In the meantime I would say don’t worry if the house is untidy, pop your kid in front of the TV, nap when you can and be kind to yourself. It makes no difference in the long run if you fall behind in the laundry or there’s toys strewn across the house.
I really feel for you. I remember how exhausting it is. Hope you’re ok.

But this isn't a man who's not pulling his weight for his family (or his country) It isn't a man who's had a skinful with his mates the night before and cba to get up with a hangover. He's shortly going on an army trip. Presumably this might involve lots of very physical and possibly even dangerous training? He happens to have become unwell. It's unlucky not calculated. He might be aware that if he doesn't take time to recover it's going to make the army work much more draining and even possibly dangerous.

This isn't a situation where either is in the right or wrong by the sounds of it. If DH doesn't have a form for this then I'd be giving him the benefit of the doubt and giving him chance to recover. OP get up with the toddler, put him some cocomelon on and make yourself a cuppa, take him to the park/softplay later and just 'survive' the day. I do sympathise but I'd be wary of the echo chamber that's formed on this post. It's a predominantly women's forum. The default is (rightly or wrongly) going to side with the female

Being a pregnant SAHM to a toddler is harder than being at work.

I’ve done both and can confirm!

Sorry, he’s being ridiculous. I mean, okay, if he has the flu and a fever to the point he is hallucinating, or has been up vomiting uncontrollably since 1am, then he needs to rest. Short of that, he can manage to drag himself to the sofa, put on Peppa Pig, whack some breakfast on a plate and doze a bit with one eye open.

I have cancer. Really quite seriously ill for the past almost 2 years. My Dh does a hell of a lot, even as a company director running a company and managing employees. But it doesn’t mean I don’t have to get up with the kids just because I’m very unwell. We both still get up. We both take them out solo so the other gets a break. I’ve even taken mine away on holidays alone. If I can do that very unwell with cancer, surely your Dh can manage to get up one morning with a cold and put on some Bluey for a few hours.

Is it harder than being in the army? Unless you have also done that, it’s not a fair comparison.

Equally, you don't get to "call in sick" and refuse to get up when you have a toddler. You would be literally dying before you failed to get up to care for a toddler in your sole care.
He can be ill when he is at home. When do you get to be ill?

Don't ever think he works harder than you, or he is more important than you, or he deserves a lie-in more than you.

I think technically you'rs right. In this situation I sometimes get up and go back to bed once he's down.

Unless he’s isolating or you’re masked, likely you’ll end up with the same virus shortly. Good luck!

ps. He’s unwell so I think you’re being unreasonable.

When I'm away with work it's often an earlier start and later finish than I have when I'm at home - but yeah keep thinking that every time someone is working away they're on some kind of jolly!

Do you have a family to go back to? If he’s away for 3 weeks can you fly home to your parents for a month?

True and actually I missed the him being in the army bit. BUT comparisons are wrong anyway. I shouldn’t have said it. A SAHM can only stay at home because of the working partner and vice versa. He can only work because of you. One supports the other and it’s become uneven in theirs as op feels unsupported.

I am very calm thank you.
I think a lot of people have a very warped sense of work. I don't swan out of the door on a Monday morning thankful I can have a coffee in peace (I can't) or amazing bathroom breaks alone (I'm alone but it's in and out in 30 seconds) ànd my lunch break usually involves reading and answering personal emails (car insurance/vets/doctors/school etc etc). Work is work and the constant need to validate SAHP's by saying they have it sooooo much harder is just ridiculous (as proven in this particular situation! Let's all argue how much easier the soldier has it when he swans off to work!).
I feel sorry for OP, I really do. It's not nice to think you're getting extra time in bed and then it doesn't happen. Realistically though, when her husband is working next week OP can nap with the toddler or go to bed at the same time as the toddler and catch up on sleep that way.

@ my first used to get up that early. When my second came along, there would be nights that I was just getting the newborn off to sleep and the toddler would be up for the day. It was hell. You need to work as a team and he isn’t.

Being on AL/maternity leave from work with a toddler and a baby was far easier that working. Being a SAHP would be a doddle in comparison to working, I can confirm as I did both.
Depends on your job maybe or your attitude?

I'm not sure why literally no one is suggesting starting to sleep train the toddler, as a more long term solution?

Is it literally impossible to teach them to stay quietly in bed and read at that age?

I'm genuinely asking, I'm from Continental Europe, in a country where parenting is a lot less child led so that would be done before age 5.

Go have a long bath and nap this afternoon whilst your dh takes over.