Am I being controlling?

[Limmies]

I’m 31. Recently married my slightly older partner (47).

I absolutely despise the way he dresses. He wears scrubs for work so that’s fine. But he sees himself as a bit of a rocker. Was in a band back in the day. So wears a lot of band tees, leather jackets (ugly ones), boots, plaid t shirts etc.

I just hate it. It honestly looks a bit silly and man childesque. I make an effort with my appearance.

I have bought dh so many clothes and do give him suggestions on nights out. His older his sister came to stay and really put me in my place. Telling me to “leave him alone”. I don’t mind the tees at home but when he’s out I think I’d like him to take a bit of inspiration from the likes of David Beckham which is what I prefer the look of. Some nice knitwear and some smart-casual trousers.

When I say he looks like a man child I’m not joking. I’m genuinely trying to help.

Or am I being a controlling wife?

Ooops, you overplayed your hand there. I’ll hand it to you though, you definitely had a handful fooled 😂

I don’t like his tattoos either. But I like his casual smart style.

He's an adult. There is no way to suggest clothing to him (especially ones that he clearly doesn't like) without it being a put down. Unless he has asked you for your suggestions.

Because for most of us it isn’t - choosing what you wear is an everyday act of autonomy that every single person deserves. It is not okay for a partner to get to constrain or decide what their partner can wear, regardless of whether man or woman

I think if you got together with him when he wore that sort of thing, then I don’t think you should be asking him to change. You knew how he dressed.

I don’t think it’s controlling, but it is something that could knock his confidence over time and make him feel he isn’t good enough. I think I would stay quiet.

@Limmies i put your being U as you have just married him. This isn’t something new to you. Why did you marry him , to change him ??

Have you posted about your relationship before? Is he a vet?

My husband does this. He buys me dresses all the time that he thinks I will look nice in and actually on the surface it’s kind, but actually it’s just a way for him to control what I look like. Is that right? No. You’ve got your answer right there. Deeply unpleasant actually.

Yep. And the shark was well and truly jumped with that comment.

You were doing well up until that point - you almost had us that this was real

Because times have changed and trying to control what your spouse wears isn't considered healthy in a relationship between two, hopefully, mutually respectful adults.

And I’m nearly double OP’s age and never suggested to a man whether should wear.

If I’m asked my opinion I’ll answer honestly but I wouldn’t tell him what to wear unsolicited.

I know! They always take it just a smidge too far.

See also the ‘not your typical old bloke’ comment.

The way David Beckham looks? Tattoo's all over? No ta. Don't mind a tat or two, but having so many makes Beckham look dreadful.

I agree with others, I think you're being unfair on him, esp if he's worn these types of clothes for all the time you've been together. Your photo of the man in brown, yucky clothes, honestly, all brown outfit is like an old man's outfit. Give me skinnies any day!

My partner just turned 60. He still wears slim black jeans, converse and punk band t-shirts and his hair is long. Mainly because he's too idle to get it cut and hates the small talk in a barbers. I don't care what he looks like as long as he's clean!

You are missing the point !

it’s not about whether your style preferences are ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ , reasonable or unreasonable.

it’s about you trying to get him to change how he dresses. That’s just not on. And frankly if it bothers you so much, you should have said as much to him before getting married.

Eek.because they don’t! I don’t have a say in what my husband wears or vice versa. We may ask each others opinions but that’s very different to what you are doing.

Completely controlling. It's up to him what he wears. Would you like it if he tried to control your clothing choices? I somehow doubt it.

There are some items of clothing my DH wears that I don't particularly like, but I wouldn't dream of telling him not to wear them. He's an autonomous adult. It's part of having a good relationship to respect each other's choices.

Have you asked him to stop?

I just can't understand why you've married him. It's one thing for their to be a few items of clothing you don't like. But to 'despise' the way they dress sounds like you are embarrassed by him. So why marry him? You could suggest other things for him to wear. But you can't make him. And doing it all the time would be awful. Its not even like he is just a guy who doesn't care what he wears. It sounds like he has a very clear sense of his own sense of style and you just hate it!

This

Interesting use of the word "slightly"

and this

What, a middle aged man wearing rocker stuff and marrying a much younger woman isn’t typical? Thought you liked tropes?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Chelsea boots!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Now I really like a bloke in a band tshirt and jeans. The problem you’ve got is once a rocker always a rocker and trying to dress a way that isn’t a nod to rock music is hard. I bet he looks fit and hot

Hahahah don’t she misread what I was saying which is that I got DP out of his (mainly…)! I quite like them though just not as constant casual wear….

This

Its a tragedy that he cuts about with his washed out iron maiden t shirt and the arse hanging out his jeans. Id much prefer him in his scrubs too. 😆 🤣