Am I being controlling?

[Limmies]

I’m 31. Recently married my slightly older partner (47).

I absolutely despise the way he dresses. He wears scrubs for work so that’s fine. But he sees himself as a bit of a rocker. Was in a band back in the day. So wears a lot of band tees, leather jackets (ugly ones), boots, plaid t shirts etc.

I just hate it. It honestly looks a bit silly and man childesque. I make an effort with my appearance.

I have bought dh so many clothes and do give him suggestions on nights out. His older his sister came to stay and really put me in my place. Telling me to “leave him alone”. I don’t mind the tees at home but when he’s out I think I’d like him to take a bit of inspiration from the likes of David Beckham which is what I prefer the look of. Some nice knitwear and some smart-casual trousers.

When I say he looks like a man child I’m not joking. I’m genuinely trying to help.

Or am I being a controlling wife?

Well 96% of the vote thinks she’s being unreasonable so not seeing double standards here

You’re missing the point. The point is that it is controlling to tell him what to wear. Regardless of what it is you’re telling him to wear.

You want him to look townie and dull. Honestly if it matters that much how did you come to fancy him?

I dress like a crazy grunge hippy and have done for many years. I know i have an eclectic style but it's mine and I'm comfortable. If my husband was trying to change me because he was embarrassed/thinking I was childish despite being well aware of how I dressed before marrying me, I would be hurt and angry. I DO think it makes you controlling, unkind and judgemental. Presumably you find him attractive and he has good qualities? Surely they AND his own personal comfort/sense of style mean more than him looking a certain way.

If my other half told me he didn’t like the way I dressed because it was childish and I needed to be more sophisticated and put together I would tell him to fuck off!!.

So I guess that makes me team sister.

Nearly post so far has said exactly that 🙄 what fucking double standard?

Can someone explain the pictures please. Is one supposed to be good, one bad?

His sister is right, you need to leave him alone.

How do you account for most of these responses then?

Mn in general

16 years is not slightly older. Telling someone what to wear is controlling.

I dated a man once who tried to change my style by buying me clothes where everything was on show. Everything he bought me I took back and exchanged

It’s not just controlling it’s rude and judgemental. You’re basically telling him your idea of style is better than his - very unpleasant

Have you heard this saying OP?

Men marry women thinking they won't change.
Women marry men thinking they will...

Think it's quite common for this kind of thing to happen but if it bothers you that much you should have sorted it out before marriage. Your opinion on what he should wear is not more important than his.

Could be that you're suddenly disliking it cos you're spending so much time together and because he is now your husband so his style reflects on you. Are you embarrassed around people your age maybe?

I'd try and remember the things you like about him and ask for some reasonable tweaks when it's not important to you. You do have to accept him to some extent though

And despising an aspect of him isn't good for your relationship at all

Team sister here! it is very controlling- you married him like this!!

But, you must have been aware of his personal style before you married him?

And it didn't put you off marrying him... which makes me think this isn't the hill to die on.

If you're otherwise happy and in love, I'd leave it and embrace his style.

I love the rocker look. I find the leather jacket look quite attractive.
If I tried to get my other half to dress as a rocker he’d look like a right tit because it’s not who he is.
If your husband was telling you to grow up and start wearing this outfit instead of that outfit you’d 100% find it controlling. Because it is controlling.

Imagine you are a casual jeans, doc boots and tee shirt girl and your new husband asks you to dress like Victoria Beckham? Unreasonable.

So let him dress the way he does, that's who you married, it's unfair to make him change, otherwise it's unreasonable and controlling behaviour.

Btw you husbands clothes sound much cooler than what you suggest imho.

Slightly older? I’d say that’s quite an age gap. His clothes sound fine to me. Yes you are being controlling.

The pictures you posted are awful @Limmies.

Yes trying to control what your partner wears is controlling. I'm sure it'd not be acceptable if he told you what you could or couldn't wear. Yabvu.

That’s not what I said.

Agree. Absolutely genetic and bland with zero style or personality.

I would hate a man dressing so dull and meh

Yabu
imagine this in reverse, him saying this to you. You are being controlling and a bit mean. Why do you want him to dress differently? Do you have a preconception of what “put together” “responsible” people look like? Is it a status thing?
I think I occasionally encourage my husband to wear a shirt if we are going to a formal family dinner because it would please his mum, otherwise I stay well out of it apart from giving compliments…because I love him and fancy him whatever he wears.

Yes you are being controlling, there’s be uproar if it was the other way round. I’m a bit like your oh and would genuinely leave if anyone commented on it because that’s who I am. My oh is from a different culture and dresses different to people here too but that’s him, I knew what he was like when we got together and even if he changed, that’s who he is and what he wants. If you’re wanting someone who dresses to your ideal, you should leave him so he can be with someone who accepts him for who he is

Also, for his sister to notice OP must be very persistent and probably very unkind about it TO HIS FACE in front of others, not just venting on MN