Am I being controlling?

[Limmies]

I’m 31. Recently married my slightly older partner (47).

I absolutely despise the way he dresses. He wears scrubs for work so that’s fine. But he sees himself as a bit of a rocker. Was in a band back in the day. So wears a lot of band tees, leather jackets (ugly ones), boots, plaid t shirts etc.

I just hate it. It honestly looks a bit silly and man childesque. I make an effort with my appearance.

I have bought dh so many clothes and do give him suggestions on nights out. His older his sister came to stay and really put me in my place. Telling me to “leave him alone”. I don’t mind the tees at home but when he’s out I think I’d like him to take a bit of inspiration from the likes of David Beckham which is what I prefer the look of. Some nice knitwear and some smart-casual trousers.

When I say he looks like a man child I’m not joking. I’m genuinely trying to help.

Or am I being a controlling wife?

Wow! Accept him for who he is, or not but rubbish to try and impose a make over post I do…

Well, 47 is not old for a start.
As for wives having a say in what their husbands wear, I think you are going back to days when wives were supposed to also wash and iron everything and be smiling and welcoming their DH when he arrived home from work. Certainly looks like it from the outfits you have selected. I think you need to re-read the post on coercive control because telling someone what to wear is just that.

Your DH wears what he feels comfortable in and likes, which is the end of the story. My ex used to try to get me to wear what he wanted me to wear and commented on the way this that or the other looked on me, and he is an ex for a reason.

[edited to add: obviously 47 is a lot older than 31, my comment was quoting the post where OP said he wasn’t a typical old bloke but the quote did not show up).

My DH has a certain style of jumper he loves, (think Val Doonican). He has loads all different colours. But he is happy in them. I personally am not keen but I still got him one for Christmas when I happened to see one in a colour he didn't have because I knew he would like it and that's what was important

Your poor husband. He can dress however he likes. If you have an issue with it yoy shouldn’t have married him.

There are certain things of DH’s that I don’t love, but it’s his style and I’m happy he’s confident and happy in his style so I say crack on. I have a bit of an out there style and he respects that and would never try to change me.

TBH it doesn’t sound positive. Was this said before or after getting ready. For the sister to comment I am guessing it sounded critical.

He doesn’t sound like a smart causal kind of guy. I guess you knew his style when dating. Did you think you could change him to suit your ideal of what he should be like? Sounds controlling to me.

I’ve never told my DH what to wear, nor has he told me. Why the focus on what your DH wears? Why does it matter so much?

Now he sounds like a cool guy!! Is he a maiden fan?

You sound very shallow. Hopefully he’ll realise this and give you the boot sooner rather than later, free you up to find someone who dresses more the way you like.

yes you are.

Trying to change someones entire fashion aesthetic because you don't like it IS controlling.

jfc.

I know men in their 50s & 60s who still dress like that and look damn good in it.

if you want to be seen with 'david beckham (vom) leave your H and go find a peaCOCK to dress.

"Typical old bloke" He's freakin 47!!! 😂

I think you’re just gonna have to suck it up. I’m sure everyone feels this way about at least one of their husband’s outfits - for me it’s the fugly fleece that makes him look like a geography teacher. I’m sure there’s a few of my more “out there” outfits my husband doesn’t love, and that’s okay. Telling him what he can and cannot wear isn’t really okay though.

Im going to serenade you with the Beatles darling..have you heard of them?

I honestly think you should be careful, I am not saying you are, but in my Doctors surgery they have a poster about coercive control, and one of the questions they ask is, are you allowed to wear what you like. I know you would like him to change his style, but you are fixated and going on about it. Even his sister has told you to leave him alone

Okay.. I'm going to read between the lines here and assume that you mean that there are times he dresses too casually for a particular restaurant or occasion and you'd like him to smarten up on a night out, rather than just wear the same outfits he wears day to day..??

In which case you can get smart rock style clothing, smarter shirts etc rather than t-shirts.

Overall I don't see why you married him though if you despise his clothes? As surely he's always dressed this way?!

And I thought you'd written that you like the style of David Bowie... So I was then reading replies and wondering why everyone was harping on about David Beckham 🤣

I think a gently conversation about having a variety of outfits, some casual for daytime and some smarter for date nights etc is fine.. But trying to change his whole style is not on and is controlling.

What a lovely jumper! I’m sure OP will approve

This is so mean. How would you feel if he told you what you could and couldn't wear or what you looked good in or not? It's very pushy of you to want him to change his style and appearance. Assuming you dated for a while you would have known what his style and preferences were? What was you expecting? Marry and then tell him you don't like the way he dresses and expect him to change? If this was a man saying this about his wife, he would get flamed!

I suspect you are not getting the feedback you thought you would.

I think women that are shallow like you clearly are, are dangerous. I don't care what my partner looks like, as long as he is happy and comfortable and I would love him regardless of his chosen clothing! Why try and force someone to not be their authentic self? Just to make you more comfortable. No thanks.

I would often gently restyle my partners. They are all the better for it, including husband. You go for it OP!

BTW.. as a 'typical old rocker' of 45.

If you want a rocker to dress smartly, might i suggest a black shirt, some black jeans, and a smarter leather jacket, then let them accessorise.

You are NOT going to get them to dress it like Beckham.

most of us would rather set those clothes on fire than be seen dead in them.

I think he sounds great . I wouldn’t be see dead with a David Beckham look a like or, God forbid ,nice knitwear. Perhaps, right now, he’s on dadsnet asking for advice about his younger but woefully unhip wife? 😀

My ex was okay until we lived together, and started to make comments on the way i dressed.
His comments i looked old in that, do you really like that, are you honestly going outside in that, you need to take pride in what you wear,you look like a granny, thats a childish look.
He got me clothes but they was just not me.

I like my comfy jumpers that have pitchers of sheep on and other prints, i like my funky color jumpers, my silly childish pjs, my baggy jeans and baggy slacks.

Finale straw was when he said you need to up your barr on the way you dress as its embarrassing.
I said yes your right i do need to up my barr pack your things and get out, that was 7 year ago.
Im going to change for any man or woman except me for all and who i am or fuck the fuck off.

Yes the school boy look is so grown up

They aren't better for your controlling behaviour

This. OP does sound controlling and shallow but then not many stable, well-rounded 31 year olds would marry someone that much older. Husband should have seen someone that much younger being interested as a red flag and should have known better!

"All said in a nice positive manner" sounds patronising.
And if he's really handsome and fit, he should be able to carry off the clothes.
You do sound controlling, unfortunately.
Occasionally I will say to my OH "Are you really going out in that?!" And he will do the same to me. And we each get told to STFU! But it's an individual piece, like a certain top or something. But you seem to want to change his whole look, which is different.
I sympathise with you if you think he looks naff but ultimately he gets the final say. And you wouldn't like it if he tried to dictate to you. It's a situation where it's easy to have double standards.

Because it isn't? I've never come across the idea before. I think you're trying to bend the world to your view but, as you see here, very very few people don't think you're controlling so you won't succeed.