Ex doesn’t want our child more than every other weekend!

[SassyCrab]

Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago and he has said he can only have our child every other weekend which is usually a 7pm pick up Friday and late drop off Sunday. But I’m just find it overwhelming at the minute doing everything by myself accept 4 times in a month, when I try to have an adult conversation about it he will just say “this is what you wanted so you will have to suck it up” and that “he still needs a life” it’s not fair that our child only sees his dad every 2 weeks for a short space of time. I understand he works 5 days a week and his hours are long but something needs to be done as I’m doing absolutely everything why he basically lives his life as he wants. If I took this further with court, I’m not asking 50:50 I just want more than 4 times in a month! Would they honour more time or take it as he still doing something?

Just a thought you say your son is a toddler - are you a SAHM?

If so is a playgroup or something for a few hours a week an option to give you a break? Or an adult hobby so you can speak to grown ups rather than just being in toddler world

I was widowed when expecting my son. I had no choice, no father no CMS.

I brought him up on my own until I started dating when he was about 8 years old & married my (no XH) when he was 10.

As others have said, you can't force him to have your child EOW or whatever. Presumably reason you're separating is because he's a crap partner & I would put money on him being a crap father as well. His comment about time to himself speaks volumes. At least your child has one parent who puts his needs first.

Be prepared for him to cancel or change contact at the last minute.

What did he mean by “this is what you wanted so you will have to suck it up”? Did he initially want more time but you refused, or did he only agree to a child because you wanted one?

Realistically the best you can do is ask if he’ll have ds at extra night or two for half terms/school holidays.

Have you discussed the summer holidays yet? Is he likely to want to take ds on holiday for a week or two?

But by not doing anything they are forcing the mother to have more time with their child?

Yes. I think they should. And they should be held accountable for doing a shitty job too. Men should be held to the same standards women are, why don't you think that??

Weaponised incompetence is a thing, we all need to stop pandering to it.

If the person in question is criminally neglectful or homicidal then this is quite another matter. However mostly it's a case that men just don't want the responsibility or the hard work so they shrug and say 'cant be bothered'. And we all let them. And when they do a shit job of it, we don't expect better, we say 'oh I'd best do it myself, poor dad can't possibly be asked to do any more'

Exactly this. OP has said that the dad plays with the kid, presumably feeds him properly and all that too. He just doesn’t feel like doing 50/50. So he’s not doing it. I doubt OP feels like it a lot of the time, but she does it.

My ex was the same, OP. He only worked a stones throw from the children's primary school so I suggested he see them EOW and also after school during the week on Wednesdays (more if he wanted to). He declined anything other than EOW as he had a hobby he did with his gf which was his priority, and like yours he said it was 'what you wanted' as I had ended the relationship (due to his abuse). It was an excuse, of course, he just wanted his freedom and wanted to make that my responsibility. The children are adults now and do have a relationship with him, but their opinion of him is really quite poor and they feel let down in many ways.

Court can force a parent to make a child available for contact, but they can't force that other person to turn up. However in my experience you reap what you sow.

not even a child is at stake
by forcing someone who is openly saying - I do not want to care for this child, it’s the child that is put at risk

I'm assuming he meant that the OP wanted to break up with him, and in doing so was breaking up the family unit - and therefore this is his offering.

I agree with this.
Of course this man OUGHT to want to be a decent parent to his child, but he doesn't and you cant turn him into a decent person.
Why do you want your child to spend time with someone who is only going to make him feel unwanted?

All about yourself. Why would you force someone to have your kid when they don’t want too? Way to make your child feel unwanted.

No they aren't. The ultimate responsibility for parenting children sits with both the parents. Both should be prepared to parent 100% of the time if required to. Any arrangements to share the care of the child is between the two parents. One parent abdicating responsibility doesn't mean the court is forcing the other parent to parent their child!

Do you work FT? How old is tour toddler? How long until they get some nursery time?

Well when the child is with Dad, you can always say you don't want him back yet and refuse to collect / take him back. Or turn up on his doorstep, and as soon as he opens the door shout a cheery goodbye and leave.

Because being with a parent who resents him and doesn't want him is really gonna be good for him.....

Are you working op? Does dc go to nursery? Perhaps people can help you come up with strategies to help rather than you and ex fighting over who doesn't have to have the kid

Have you taken him to CM services? Court can’t make him have his child. Getting lots of his money might help? He might suddenly realise that it would be cheaper to have them more often.

What would happen if both parents only wanted the kids every other weekend and not during the week?

Is he 2 years old - why would you even talk to your ex MIL

He pays CM - OP has said: It is what it is I guess, he does give me decent child maintenance but just don’t feel like it’s beneficial to our son to see him every 2 weeks

I don’t disagree, but how do you enforce that? Literally walk away from your child for 50% of their lives? And what happens if the other person doesn’t pick up the slack? It’s not a game of chicken I’m prepared to play when my child’s wellbeing is in the centre.

You have to sick it up for now.
He might be a bit afraid of having him too long. It took my ex a year to build up to having overnights. And he's the best dad now a true 50/50 coparents.
You can't force change but you can encourage, praise him, tell him your son seems happy after a weekend. He's hurting, it's so recent - we all say and do horrible stuff at the start. Think long term

The mother would ususally step up and do the majority of it.

And that's what they're relying on. They walk away, they know you'll put up with it.

I agree, it's not at all a reality in the present system. But it SHOULD be, we SHOULD expect more - men SHOULDN'T be allowed to just shrug and give up. We need to raise men better, we need to expect more, we need to have real and actionable consequences when they don't pull their weight. Don't want to look after your kid? Legal sanctions it is. Don't do a good job and put them at risk? Legal sanctions it is.

@Empthydo you have children?

This is Insane

you can’t force someone to WANT to care for their child
if you do, it is the CHILD that suffers
And of course there is a legal consequence for not caring for a child in your care and putting them at risk - child neglect

I can’t help but think you’re not very bright @Empthy