Ex doesn’t want our child more than every other weekend!

[SassyCrab]

Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago and he has said he can only have our child every other weekend which is usually a 7pm pick up Friday and late drop off Sunday. But I’m just find it overwhelming at the minute doing everything by myself accept 4 times in a month, when I try to have an adult conversation about it he will just say “this is what you wanted so you will have to suck it up” and that “he still needs a life” it’s not fair that our child only sees his dad every 2 weeks for a short space of time. I understand he works 5 days a week and his hours are long but something needs to be done as I’m doing absolutely everything why he basically lives his life as he wants. If I took this further with court, I’m not asking 50:50 I just want more than 4 times in a month! Would they honour more time or take it as he still doing something?

I imagine you felt very worried handing them over!

That's twice a month, isn't it? Not four times?

4 nights a month i presume the op meant

You can’t force this. What you can do though is try and stay on good terms and as DS gets older suggest it might want to see him more, especially if they develop similar interests.
DS is still small and will get easier. Do you work or are you at home with him all the time?
You eventually won’t want him gone every weekend as when he’s in school you would hardly see him. These are hard years, they are very reliant on you. Soon he’ll be in school, he’ll go to activities, friends houses and you might be glad that all his free time isn’t at ex’s.

The one thing you will have to think about are school holidays if you do work as they are hard to manage on one set of annual leave.

It’s not about letting men off the hook, though sadly that is the consequence. It’s acknowledging that your child needs care, and providing it. Sure, I could do the same as exDP and only see my DC for 48 hours in every month, but I’m not a shit human being. I love my child, and I want what’s best for them - which is to be with at least one loving parent, providing warmth, and shelter, and consistency.

If both parents were refusing to look after the child then a) the child would probably end up in care and b) the parents could be arrested for child neglect. At least one of a child's parents has to be an adult about the situation and look after the child.

I agree. If a man can stand in court and say i don't want or cannot have my child 50-50 then the woman can stand in court the same.

I think if this happens the court needs to force both parents to do 50-50. Or at least force the father to recognise he cannot walk away from his family as easy as that. If they do jail them, if they disappear and move to the other end of the country jail them - make them responsible. If they want to be sticking their willies everywhere they need to accept the consequences that goes with that.

The default shouldn't be that the woman/mum picks up the child care however that would effect the amount of money the mum will get in any separation.

At least I knew my parents in law could look after them, even if their father couldn’t!

Did your in-laws see the children more than once a year?

There have been cases where the woman has walked away from her children and the man has been left solo parenting

Hes not a good dad though is he, if he sees them as an inconvenience, doesnt want to do any of the mundane parentint and is prioritizing his own social life. It's very common sadly and is something that my husband and I discussed before having children, although I wouldn't say that's any indicator of how someone can behave post break up

Hang in there @SassyCrab. It won't always be so relentless and overwhelming.

More fool your ex for not helping out more. He's the one that will lose out when your child doesn't have a close relationship with him. I hope your ex is paying decent CM. I know some fathers who go for 50/50 so they don't have to pay CM and still don't parent their child properly. Be grateful you know your child is being cared for well by you the majority of the time.

He’s not a bad dad but he does this to spite me for breaking up with him and rather take it out on his son.

bloody hell. Your benchmark for what a “not a bad dad” is - is in the gutter

Court aren’t going to force him to have your child more, it’s basically impossible to enforce.

My advice as a former single mum with a useless ex- get used to doing it all by yourself, discuss important things via email or similar and make sure he’s paying his child support in full and on time. Oh, and most importantly enjoy your life now that this useless selfish sack of shit is no longer living in your home.

This with bells on. He’s a terrible father. Please raise your standards.

Make sure he’s paying the required child maintenance

My son’s dad and I split when my son was 2 and our arrangement was every other weekend, 10am Saturday to 4pm Sunday.

I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

It IS hard but you will find your groove.

Like your ex, mine worked long hours. It wouldn’t have been meaningful time with our son if he had him mid-week and it wouldn’t have been fair on our son, just going to dad’s essentially to sleep. Not quality time for either of them and massively disruptive for my son.

Do you have any family near by that can help out? Mine didn’t live close by at all and it was tough, as I worked full time in a demanding job. If you had family close to hand, ask for help.

But. My years of solo parenting gave me and my son the closest bond that’s still in place now, at 17.

You can’t force his dad to see more of him and it’s his hard luck that he won’t get the chance that you have now to enjoy a deep relationship with your child. Good luck and try and enjoy it.

Oh yes, I used to see them several times a year, most school holidays and some weekends in between. Ex lived abroad and came over once a year to see the children and his parents. As he couldn’t take them to his parents more frequently, I did.

He’s not a bad dad but he does this to spite me for breaking up with him and rather take it out on his son.

He's a shit father for whom spiting you is more important than spending time with his own child.

Ah, I’ve seen your family isn’t really an option.

my advice is to parent him like he’s a springer spaniel whenever you can - outside and running around. He’ll sleep better and it takes the edge off the crazy. My son was always on. Didn’t want to watch TV - I’d have loved to dump him in front of Mr Tumble for an hour… nope. You need to run them like dogs… ;-) My mum used to say, you do too much with him. Stay home. Rest. And I’m like, no. Being outdoors and going places keeps both of us sane.

Presumably he pays CM if he’s working full time
and doing long hours? If so could he drop his hours down to part time, and do more of the childcare / have more custody, whilst you work long hours each day and pay CM to him? You’d need to have your child every weekend though, as by your logic he’d really need a break after parenting all week.

I am sorry and have been through a similar experience. A court will not enforce that he has to take your child more and even if they did he is not required to take up contact. My ex threatened arrest when I missed one and only time in 8 years but it was ok for him to book a holiday on his scheduled weekend. The system is unfair in that regard yes but you need to prepare yourself to be the sole parent

What do you actually want to do? And have you actually spelt out this is what you feel would be best for your son

So if you are just saying 'I want you to have him more' - he may be thinking that you want him to have every weekend so you can go out and he can't

If you were to say 'son really misses you in the week, is there anyway you can arrange to have him on Wednesdays(or Tues/Thurs) for his tea/overnight and can we have a set time you'll pick him up as he's looking out the window from 4pm and if I can say Daddy will be here at 7pm then he's got that to look forward to' it comes across as you are wanting it for your child, rather than for you

Child neglect, cruelty and possible murder come to mind

These are crimes, and very extreme reactions to being told to step up. If you treated a child this way you should expect to be prosecuted, fathers are no different. I don't want to solo parent sometimes, it does NOT mean that murder is the inevitable outcome.

If the person in question is criminally neglectful or homicidal then this is quite another matter. However mostly it's a case that men just don't want the responsibility or the hard work so they shrug and say 'cant be bothered'. And we all let them. And when they do a shit job of it, we don't expect better, we say 'oh I'd best do it myself, poor dad can't possibly be asked to do any more'

It should be a criminal offense NOT to adequately and equally parent and care for a life you are responsible for making.

It should be a criminal offense NOT to adequately and equally parent and care for a life you are responsible for making.

it is. Child neglect