Ex doesn’t want our child more than every other weekend!

[SassyCrab]

Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago and he has said he can only have our child every other weekend which is usually a 7pm pick up Friday and late drop off Sunday. But I’m just find it overwhelming at the minute doing everything by myself accept 4 times in a month, when I try to have an adult conversation about it he will just say “this is what you wanted so you will have to suck it up” and that “he still needs a life” it’s not fair that our child only sees his dad every 2 weeks for a short space of time. I understand he works 5 days a week and his hours are long but something needs to be done as I’m doing absolutely everything why he basically lives his life as he wants. If I took this further with court, I’m not asking 50:50 I just want more than 4 times in a month! Would they honour more time or take it as he still doing something?

He doesn’t love his child enough not to have abused their Mother. No good Father does that. You abuse the Mother then you are abusing the child by proxy. Personally while understanding how incredibly hard your situation is, I wouldn’t want someone capable of domestic abuse spending more time with my child than necessary.

Exactly

You really don't understand the family court if that's what you think. You're completely wrong.

But he won't be punished. There is no legal mechanism to punish a father for not turning up for contact.

It doesn't matter whether it would or not. The court CANNOT order a parent to step up.

Fuck him. I wouldn’t want my son to go somewhere that he was only barely tolerated.

Does your son want to see him, cos if he doesn’t, I wouldn’t let him go?
Your ex can have all the adult time he wants, then.

Yes @ShawnaMacallister

I know that. I am saying imposing punishments on a father that admits he wants fuck all to do with his child is insane. He will see the child to avoid the punishment

That seems extremely unlikely seeing as i am very much part of making those orders you say do not exist... There is a big difference between a father who wants nothing to do with the child (in which case it is unlikely to be in the child's best interests to order contact) and a father who wants contact but only on his terms, in which case there is definitely room to order contact and that may be more than what the father wants or a different schedule. That may be ordered as being in the best interest of the child. I am not saying the system is perfect but the OP has already said the father would want to look good for the Court and the current arrangement is frustrating because it varies at dads whim. So yes there is room for the Court to step in and order something more rigid and this may involve more contact than dad currently has, if it is in the best interest of the child.

No court will force more than every other weekend. You get the money he gets all the fun.

My partner was taken to court by his ex, he had his kids every weekend for years and the court agreed that he had to reduce it to every other wkd as she wasnt getting quality time! So now he sees them 4 days a month. So court will really not do anything about this

Yeah that's fair enough
both parents should have half the weekends and half the holidays. Presumably he was offered to have them midweek too?

Because he ONLY wanted them over the weekend @Suzjspik

That’s a reasonable decision by the court.

I’m going to assume that the kids don’t live local enough to make mid week contact a possibility but every weekend contact when the parents don’t live close was always going to end at some point as kids might want to get a part-time job, see friends for sleepovers, do hobbies that might have a early/late start time etc

Plus each parent deserves quality time and to have weekends to take the kids to their extended families. (I’m assuming both parents work Monday to Friday so weekends are quality time)

Doesn’t your partner have them for extra days during school Holidays and half terms? There’s 13 weeks of school holiday a year.

And it would be unreasonable for court to say he must have weekday contact.

Exactly

So this chap has fed @Snorlaxo a load of crap and she’s fallen for it

Jesus wept.

You can not be court ordered to see a child you don't want to see.

OP i really feel for you because parenting a toddler is hard even when you've got a partner living with you. I was a child who's mother only visited every 2-5 weeks from being 8 years old and my dad had a hard time raising us. As a mother now i cannot understand how anyone could choose not to see their child, as as result I'm a bit obsessive about being there for my child!

If your ex won't step up how could you improve this whole situation aside from that? Could your child have an extra day at nursery? Are they going to school soon? Are they going to stop napping soon meaning earlier bedtimes? Would your exes family have any interest in looking after your son here and there? Do you have any friends or siblings to support you? Could you get a cleaner? Take some holidays from work?

Think about which bits you're finding the hardest and look for a solution to them.

Maybe suggest they do taco Tuesday or Wednesday hum day dinners, weekly.

This. Mine tells me at every sodding opportunity that he is desperate for more time with them. Reality he will only see them if he has them overnight. When offered them overnight for an extra two weeks in the summer he was suddenly not available. (He was off work he’s a teacher and he has no other family or partner). The CMS also only reflects the order and thus mine has by court order he has 50% of all holidays but does not take all of this yet my CMS payment assumes he has them 6 weeks a year - the reality is he has them 3 weeks a year yet they give him 42 nights allowance to reduce his CMS payment. I went to CMS with 5 years of written proof through emails that he has them less than 21 nights a year and not 42 nights and they said ‘nope that is what the court allows him ‘ I said I know but here is written evidence from him that he had them for 17 nights 2022-2023 and 10 nights 2021-2022 and she said sorry we don’t get involved if there is a court order we assume he takes the contact on the order. That bites. He gets a reduction based on a certain number of nights in the order and the reality is he could refuse all contact and he still gets an education in his CMS. I would have to return to court to reduce contact - at my cost and a court may not reduce it.

Men like this are bastards. They really are. Mine had the nerve to complain to me that he was upset he had to pay me to do my own job of parenting - that’s what he sees CMS as / paying me. He used to say to my youngest - I pay mummy £200 a month for you - ask her for the money, it is supposed to being spent on you- you want a new bike tell her you want it £2400 a year is yours from me - it’s my gift.

Fortunately my youngest was good at maths and soon figured out that daddy pays for fuck all. He earns £65000 a year and I get £200 a month - total joke.

Are you in touch with his parents? Would they want contact and a relationship? Or are they suitable. My exes parents weren’t suitable but I would have considered it if they were ok and lived closer.

* oh and they will tell everyone YOU are stopping them from seeing their kids.

I have repeated told my ex as a teacher he is welcome to take them on holiday and they have passports. He responds every time ‘I will take them if you let me’ every time I say yes of course you can. In 12 years he has never taken them abroad ever yet manages a swanky 4 weeks abroad on his own every year.

Feel your pain.
My ex only sess them 7 hours a week, no overnight stays ( blaming his mum who is 'lives with' apparently ( i think hes living with the ap). He books his own leave from work so he can go on holidays away all the time. Oct half term last year he had booked the time off ( the year before) but cancelled it and made it early Oct so he coule go away with the ap.
My children are asd. I get little break but tjank god I have great parents.
My ex is a c* as is his mum. Neither care or help. It shows their true character because a tired broken mum will affect the children.
Court should force the absent parent to go 50.50 unless there are safeguarding reasons. Why is it ok for my ex to say...I cant see them in the week coz im working....well...I also work but somehow have to juggle.

I tell my single friends not to have children unless you are willing to be a single mum.

If men in the UK had to pay more maintenance, I bet they'd suddenly be interested in 50/50 just like in America lol.

no court can force .. in fact two weekends out of 4