Ex doesn’t want our child more than every other weekend!

[SassyCrab]

Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago and he has said he can only have our child every other weekend which is usually a 7pm pick up Friday and late drop off Sunday. But I’m just find it overwhelming at the minute doing everything by myself accept 4 times in a month, when I try to have an adult conversation about it he will just say “this is what you wanted so you will have to suck it up” and that “he still needs a life” it’s not fair that our child only sees his dad every 2 weeks for a short space of time. I understand he works 5 days a week and his hours are long but something needs to be done as I’m doing absolutely everything why he basically lives his life as he wants. If I took this further with court, I’m not asking 50:50 I just want more than 4 times in a month! Would they honour more time or take it as he still doing something?

An a court can’t force a mother either

if both parents refuse to parent up - then the child is handed over to social services

Christ, when you can refuse to see your child more than once a fortnight and your ex still says "he's not a bad dad" the bar really is on the floor. He is a bad dad. If I refused to see my children for 12 days out of 14, I would definitely be seen as a bad mum!

Unfortunately you can't make him see his child, though. You'll have to consider what support you can put in place for yourself as. He is refusing to help.

I can't see you have a leg on stand on here, the other way of looking at this is 'why should he lose every weekend?'. You'd do better in many ways of trying to get him to do 9 days straight Sat->though to 2nd Sun.

Yeah! Imagine if men were forced to be accountable to their responsibilities and do their fair share! Imagine if we, as a society, expected the same and didn't just shrug out shoulders pathetically when men do so little and say 'well, boys will be boys!'.

Imagine.

My friend has a similar scenario
she paid to go to court and I went with her
it went like this:-
She wanted more access by the dad said not 50/50 but Tuesday and Thursday night and every other weekend….. and half the school holidays

ex said he can only do every other weekend and as he doesn’t get back home until 7pm it would be 8am Sat to 6pm Sunday and he gets 5 weeks annual leave and he said he will do separate weeks to have the kids and he pays her a more than fair amount of maintenance, has let her have the house (signed it over to her for the 2 kids) he lost about £60k he could have had if they’d sold it and went 50/50 but to be honest he’s been more than fair financially
BUT I understand it doesn’t help practically and I get it’s hard but ultimately my friend ended the relationship and he said that in court - he said he was doing the best by his kids financially but his job doesn’t allow him to do midweek teas/ sleepovers as he’s working
judge said all reasonable and he was being more than decent!
my friends kids are 4 and 6 they were 2 and 4 at the time and I’ve said to her hopefully as they get older it’ll be easier.

It’s shit and so many men walk away and leave the woman to raise their children. My ex has just decided to move to another country. So that’s that!

No it’s not fair. But no court will force him to have his child. He will simply say no and that’s that.
it’s tough but it’s better (in my opinion) to accept that now and plan your life accordingly.

Well if that’s the case then men have it so easy
Yes. They do. It is the patriarchy.

He’s not a bad dad but he does this to spite me for breaking up with him
He is a bad dad. He isnt parenting. And he is refusing to be a decent parent just to make your life harder. He is a selfish arsehole. And absolutely a bad dad.

What you need to do is build a community around you both so you can flourish without his father. Build a career. Find a decent baby sitter. Build a friendship group of similar women. Build up a social life with your ds.

You’ve honestly hit the nail on the head with this!!!! 👏

This I laugh when I read on here 'divorce and you'll get 50% of your time off'

my kids dad sees them about twice a month, for a Saturday. And that's an increase on when we split when he buggered off for 10 months.

All you can do is make sure you're getting what the child is owed in maintenance.

My ex used to take them to Mcdonalds for an hour every Wednesday, that was it. You can't force him to see them.

It does get easier as they get older. At first when they're young, you get absolutely no time that isn't meticulously planned. Now mine are early teens, and I can leave them at home for a few hours - even go out for the evening (if I'm not going to be late). They can make dinner if I'm knackered, largely put themselves to bed and dress themselves etc.

But when they are young - it is relentless.

It should happen, imo.

Everyone is telling the OP, "why would you WANT the father to have the kid if he doesn't want them? The courts can't force them" blah dee blah.

But what is the mother ALSO says, "I don't want the child more than twice a month"? Do the parents get charged with neglect/abandonment? Does the judge enforce an order covering both of them?

No what I meant is not a bad father to our child when he has our son he will take him out and spend time with him & play with him. But yes he does things to spite me which makes him a bad dad! It’s easy for people to say just get on with it, but when my toddler is crying for his dad most nights it’s a hard watch for me!!

Yeah, imagine a system where parents who don’t want to have their kids are forced to have them. Child neglect, cruelty and possible murder come to mind.

It’s tough when the other parent fails in their parenting duties but I hope you can find a support network to help you navigate those issues and create some space for yourself. Do you have any mummy friends who may be able to help? Just for a play date or someone who you trust to babysit for a few hours? Could you ask for help at your local playgroup or church?

Well no, if mum didn’t want to either then the kid would go into care

I just want him to have him more than 2 weekends a month to give myself some breathing space so I can be a good mum to my child and not overwhelmed. It’s also more because he will turn up anytime he feels like it on a Friday & I want something set in stone! But yeah it’s really unfair men don’t have to step up so we have to carry all the weight of being a parent! Then when there ready to be more of a dad then they can just court and the court honours it! Ridiculous

hes a rubbish dad but they can’t force him
to be present. You can only use the child maintenance to buy respite or tell his mum on him. Those are your only options!

That's rubbish. He's a shit parent.
Don't let him know he's getting to you. Maybe try some reverse psychology. It worked for someone I know who's horrible, controlling, bad parent ex wanted 50:50 just to spite her. She acted happy to get a break and get her life back. Would send her child to him with her gym clothes on or make an effort with her outfit, hair and makeup like she was going out, smiley and relaxed. Worked like a charm.

Act like you're happy to have your child more and miss them far too much on "his" weekends.

I mean yes he should want to see his child more and it’s sad that he won’t but you can’t force him.

Could he pick up from school Friday and drop there on Monday morning on his weekends at least?

My GC's dad chose to see them for only 24hrs once a month from when they were out of nappies. No other time. Now GC is nearly an adult and has chosen to put their dad at the bottom of the list (after sport, dating, college and a part-time job) and hasn't chosen to see him since October half term. These dads reap what they sow.

Have you wilfully misunderstood
my point @Empthy

or do you actually think a shitty father who is open about wanting nothing to do with his children should be forced to have children in his sole care?

You honestly think a parent who stands in front of a judge and says - I want NOTHING to do with my child beyond paying the required CMS, as I have NO desire to care for them at all - should be FORCED to have his children?

That is… terrifying

and engage brain. If both parents are saying - I don’t want my kid and have no intention of looking after them then the child is thankfully removed from them

My ex had the children one week a YEAR, and then only when with his parents!

How in the hell do posters that think parents should be forced to parent their children envisage that working out?

You can't force a parent to parent without a very high chance of the child suffering.